Living apart but staying together?

(5 Posts)
minxthemanx Sun 04-Sep-16 17:50:02

Has anyone tried this? I'm on the verge of separation - too long a story to go into here, but have posted many times over the years and have been unhappy for too long. Now have 2 kids with complex medical conditions, and cannot cope with DH in the same house any more. However, whereas I used to think he was selfish twat, I've come to the realisation over the last couple of years that he has Aspergers. Undiagnosed, but quite definitely. His GP was useless and he won't come to see mine (in true Aspie style.) So I'm at the end of my tether as relationships in the house are tense and pretty grim. He drives the DC and me round the bend. BUT he is essentially a good person, and tries hard to be a good Dad. He still loves me and will not want to separate. I've no idea if I still love him, as it's buried under years of anger, frustration and the stress of dealing with the kids medical problems. I just don't have the energy to live in the same house with him and we need a break, otherwise it will be divorce. I actually think we would all get on well, if he just didn't live here! I know that sounds silly, but other people with partners on the spectrum have gone down that road. It won't be easy, will cost a lot, and he'll shoot the idea down in flames, but has anyone tried it? I'm envisaging him in nice flat nearby, with his own friggin tv, Sky, etc etc.

VioletBam Mon 05-Sep-16 00:55:23

I think it could work. I haven't tried it but my inlaws do it. They bought an investment property 15 years ago and 4 years later, FIL moved into it as MIL couldn;t live with him any longer.

They have a routine now....they eat together about 4 or 5 nights a week...he still brings her flowers every friday and he mows her lawn.

They go out with their friends sometimes too. They're much happier.

SIL lives with FIL and has a child too so MIL likes visiting there....it's a good idea and in your situation, seems very sensible.

minxthemanx Mon 05-Sep-16 09:40:46

Thank you, that's really interesting. We couldn't buy a second property but I've done a bit of calculating, and if I pay off half the remaining mortgage (30k) with the critical illness payout we got for Ds1, I can afford the rest of the mortgage and DH could afford to rent small flat. There's actually a really nice one a 5 minute walk away available now. I'm convinced the whole family would get on better and be happier; set nights of the week together for dinner plus some of the weekend. But ultimately he has somewhere else to live/be a prat. (Example. Ds1 age 14 carefully wrote out his timetable for new school year yesterday. Is determined to be more organised this year. DH wrote cricket facts and figures on the same piece of paper . Wtf? Ds1 furious.) If we could do this for a year, it would give everyone space, mend relationships and enable me to see if there's any love left. Unfortunately he will never agree to it😦

VioletBam Mon 05-Sep-16 11:16:01

If he doesn't agree to it and it's making you this unhappy, then you'd be better off divorcing now OP. sad

S1lentAllTheseYears Tue 06-Sep-16 10:49:45

Hi, don't really have any advice but I am in a similar situation sad though not as extreme as your by the sound of things.

Violet's in-laws set up would be my dream but I have no idea how I might go about getting it - if I win the lottery I'll be buying myself a bolt hole!

You seem to have your finances more sorted than I do. Could you tell him you want a trial separation and ask him to move into the flat for six months and see how it goes? Then you could gradually build in asking him round for dinner, days out etc.

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