Petitioning for divorce

(10 Posts)
GoldenOrb Thu 11-Aug-16 19:00:42

I feel like I am asking questions at every step of this process - sorry!

Quick backstory - I told H I wanted to split up in Jan. It's not what he wants, certainly not a divorce as he is Catholic, so he offered a judicial separation. After serious consideration I have decided not to do the JS; I don't want to stay married to him, and also pensions can't be part of the financial settlement with JS.

So I need to go about filing for divorce. He's going to hate it. I'm prepared to petition on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He won't like that either because, quote "I haven't been unreasonable and if you file on grounds of unreasonable behaviour that I don't agree with I will contest it". I do have grounds that I feel are unreasonable, and I'm not prepared to wait for 2 years incase at that point he refuses to agree to a divorce, and I'm certainly not waiting 5 years, I need to be independent (financially and otherwise) from him long before that.

He refused to move from the house, so I have rented a place for me and the kids on a 12 month tenancy. I have a solicitor and he knows about this and said that although not ideal, it's ok.

So, my question is, how do I go about telling him I am going to file for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour? Part of me thinks I ought to do it in person, but it will be a horrendous conversation, he will go beserk, and I can imagine him saying when I tell him the grounds that he will change all of those things in order for me to stay. (I'm not going to change my mind, but he is desparate). So it feels as though it would certainly be easier for him to get a letter from my solicitor notifying him. Is that an ok thing to do? We have 3 DC together so need to maintain some sort of civil relationship for their sakes.

Squabblesallaround Thu 11-Aug-16 19:13:54

Let your solicitor deal with all issues and communications pertaining to divorce, you don't have to tell your EXH anything directly, particularly if you feel he will 'go beserk'. You are well within your rights to refuse to discuss things face to face without a solicitor present.
Sorry if I sound cold but having been with a similarly 'unreasonable' ex I found it best to detatch as much as possible in this area. Still perfectly willing and pleasant when discussing DC's but the adult relationship.....no.

I'm sure it will eventually return to civil once he has stopped hurting but for now I think you need to be clear about the break so he has no misconceptions, or think he has the opportunity to railroad you into doing what he wants. It's A tough road but will be worth it, stay strong.

VitreousEnamel Thu 11-Aug-16 19:27:27

Squabbles is right. You have done the decent thing leave it up to solicitors.

But you should expect to prove the unreasonable behaviour and why it makes it impossible to live together.

If it is embarassing for him he mihht come round when faced with the inevitable.

VitreousEnamel Thu 11-Aug-16 19:30:06

..sorry i dont mean prove,i mean provide evidence.

TimeforaNNChange Thu 11-Aug-16 19:34:48

I didn't tell my ex I was filing. He'd moved into temp accommodation. so I bundled the petition, which was posted to him at the FMH, in with the rest of his post which was handed over by a third party.
He was furious about the grounds I used. Insisted he'd contest. Until the mediator pointed out how much it would cost and reminded him how much debt we were negotiating over.

GoldenOrb Thu 11-Aug-16 19:55:53

Thanks, good to hear it's not unreasonable to let the solicitor inform him.

I don't think realistically he would contest it, he doesn't have the money to do it and my understanding is that they are rarely successfully contested anyway.

Minime85 Thu 11-Aug-16 20:44:10

I did show my ex the things on the petition so that when it arrived on the doormat it wasn't such a shock. Even though we were amicable I think it was better to do as he himself said that it made him sound awful even though it was nothing major, it's the wording and it sounds so cold.

GoldenOrb Fri 12-Aug-16 07:52:09

minime did your solicitor help you with the wording or did you do it yourself?

Minime85 Fri 12-Aug-16 08:10:07

I didn't have a solicitor I saw one to find out where land lay etc and she said to me she could do it but I was more than capable myself and would save me the money. I didn't have a complex case though and amicable with ex. I got wording from looking things up on line

VitreousEnamel Fri 12-Aug-16 08:24:17

The important thing is to sort out the money and possessions pensions etc between you as longvas you feel assertive enough. It will cost every time one solicitor writes to another....but ensure you get everything you are entitled to including pensions and dont be intransigent if he is asking something reasonable.... agree what you can reasonably there will be a certain amount of wheeling and dealing.

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