Can I refuse the contact?

[MyPeriodFeatures]

My ex didn't see his son for 7 months. He's not actually his son, the child was born using donor sperm but was adopted before conception..

We left after Ds first birthday because ex was abusive.

We went to court and there is a contact arrangement in place.

However, there was no discussion in court about whether or not I should know where DS will be staying when he is with his Dad. His Dad lives 250 miles away. In the past He has refused to tell me where he is.

I'm not happy for my son to be at an unknown address.

Would it be unreasonable of me to say he needs to tell me the address of where they are staying and if he refuses then not allow DS to go.

Ex has got a non molestation order against him for smear campaign against me. He's a horrible bloke. What will the courts likely do if I refuse to send him to his dad's on grounds that I don't know where he is?

[TheUnsullied]

I think the technicalities boil down to you not needing to know and your not knowing being no reason to stop contact. I agree with you though, that situation sucks and I'd be doing everything I could to see if there's an argument that would hold up in court.

[Marilynsbigsister]

If there is a contact order - child arrangements order as now called. Then you have to make the child available for the period stated. End of. If it is not stated in the order that he has to give details of where, then he doesn't have to. This is not a reason not to comply with the court, neither would they see it as such.
The 7 months without seeing him is almost certainly to do with the time the mediation/court process takes. So not really accurate to say 'he didn't see him' as you were not permitting him to be seen, hence the court process.

He absolutely Is his dad. As he adopted him. Adoption isn't an opt in/out process. It's for life regardless of his relationship with the mother.

How on earth do you adopt a child (regardless of being donor insemination or conventional) before conception ???? Before conception, there is no child to adopt. You can't adopt a child until they exist. I am pretty sure this can't even be done in-utero , that they must actually have been born. Some rather glaring inconsistencies in your story.

[Lunar1]

Has the 7 months no contact started after the court case or before?

[MyPeriodFeatures]

Thanks marilyn. I really appreciate your supportive, empathic and understanding message.

The seven months not seeing him is because it took 4 months for him to even file the application. During this time I offered to support him to see his son twice and he didn't. The first time he verbally abused me and went home.

I was trying to tell him out son had had chicken pox and he started effing and blinding about being a trained nurse. I walked away, then contacted him about 5 minutes later with arrangements.

The second time he also turned down as I said I'd rather he saw him on his own without his GF (my son has no relationship with this woman) as he hadn't seen him for 5 months and needed to build up again.

With regard to adoption. Yes, there is some paperwork that is signed when one goes for IUI. My ex husband says it is effectively that he has adopted him. I have taken his word for that.

I know I'm clutching at straws but we have a settled and happy life and bringing my abusive ex into the picture is certainly going to give this boy some confusion.

[MyPeriodFeatures]

Thanks unsullied. Thanks for being understanding of the predicament! Yes, I knew the answer already really. I just wish I could change the situation.

[Marilynsbigsister]

OP, I am being practical. You stated that he 'adopted' your son. I understood that to mean he went through the official adoption process . 'Signing some papers at the IUI' is NOT adoption by any stretch of the imagination. To 'adopt' a child, there has to be a full court process. At the time of the IUI there is no child to adopt as there is no child. Your child hadn't even been conceived. !
If your child is not your ex husbands but you have named him as father on the birth certificate, you can ask the court for a DNA test to disprove paternity. In which case he has no PR and therefore no right to contact. You need to tell the court the true situation regarding your child's paternity.

Depending on the age of the child and for how long he has been in his life acting as a parent, he MAY be able to apply for PR and then, if successful apply for contact. Until PR has been granted you are under no obligation to let your child stay or have contact with him. That is a fairly lengthy court process.
Apologies if I came across as harsh in previous post but I have 'legal mindset' and when someone states 'facts' like 'adopted before conception' (which is an impossibility as there is nothing to adopt) it jars rather.

[Marilynsbigsister]

I have just re read your OP and think I have worked out was has happened. You state that DC was conceived by donor sperm. If this was done in an NHS clinic AND you were legally married at the time of the procedure, then the paperwork he signed was his consent to be named as legal second parent. It is not adoption but a legal anomaly granted to married or registered civil partners of children born by IUI donor. If this is the case and the court has recognised his paternity and granted the order, there is little you can do but comply.

[MyPeriodFeatures]

marylin this issue of paternity was never raised in the court. I didn't raise it.

When we went for the IUI we agreed that the child would be told that his origins were IUI.

This is part of the contract. I raised this with husband again. He said 'it's nothing to do with you, it's between me and my son'.

I left two weeks after sons first birthday and during 1st year husband was very hands off.

Thanks. I appreciate your legal mindset!

[MyPeriodFeatures]

Husbands name was on birth certificate. I feel absolutely stuck. I wonder what the long term impact of this on my son will be. Either way it isn't very good.