separating, not sure children, house etc - is it always 50:50?

(11 Posts)
MrsMiss Fri 01-Jul-16 09:37:35

My h earns significantly more than me. We've been married 11 years, and most of that time I've worked one day a week, using the rest of my time to look after the children, now 9, 7, 5 and 3. I've already made arrangements to increase my hours at work from this September, but because of the childcare costs of a pre-schooler, I won't be working full-time.

We have a big mortgage on our house, but there is some equity. H seems to think that it is very straightforward - I should move out and rent somewhere, we should share childcare 50:50, and in a year or so he will pay me my half of the equity on the house and 'buy me out'.

I have struggled with my mental health over the last few years. H was diagnosed with ASD just over a year ago, and the four children all seem to have varying degrees of this. I've been in a very lonely place, and we've had couples counselling etc, but nothing that shift his way of thinking. My main concern is for the emotional well-being of the children. I don't think they are at all happy, and I think if H and I were separated they would be more settled and have a more 'normal' life if that makes sense!

I have discussed with him that I feel I should stay in the family home with the children, as I am mainly responsible for them - with him working full-time. He thinks this will change as I'll 'have to work full time' and I just feel like I'm being pushed around (again) by his way of thinking.

I've suggested to him that perhaps we can't decide on arrangements without some help - family mediation? I want to work with him and be amicable, but am really worried about agreeing to things to keep the peace, and then ending up with nothing. Feel financially very vulnerable and not very strong emotionally. I know I need to seek legal advice, this is just a general toe in the water to see if anyone else has experience of this kind of situation. It will just help me to formulate my ideas and questions. Thank you for reading.

ConfusedAboutThis1 Fri 01-Jul-16 09:42:32

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, except I'm a few years down the line. I'd suggest seeing a solicitor to get an idea of what you are entitled to and then come to an agreement in mediation.

Everybody's situations are different of course but I'm sure you'd be entitled to more than 50% given you different incomes

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky Fri 01-Jul-16 09:43:58

He's trying to bully you op.

You need to get a SHL and some proper advice before you do or agree to anything.

You took a hit on your career while he didn't. This can be factored in and you can end up with more than 50/50.

MrsMiss Fri 01-Jul-16 09:47:00

sorry I should know this but what is a SHL?

maz210 Fri 01-Jul-16 09:49:57

I'm guessing at Shit Hot Lawyer grin

MrsMiss Fri 01-Jul-16 09:53:08

Got it - thank you!

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky Fri 01-Jul-16 11:18:42

yes Shit Hot Lawyer grin - sorry was on phone before!

millymollymoomoo Fri 01-Jul-16 13:25:53

At least in the immediate and near term you should not move out. You are primary carer to the children and you and they should stay in the house and if anyone is to move it should be your husband.

In the longer term, the house may well have to be sold as part of the divorce settlement if you are not able to pay the mortgage yourself but it is likely you would receive a much higher share than 50% (you also need to factor in pensions and any other assets)

In the interim it is unlikely you would be expected to work full time with a pre-schooler but longer term a judge might look for you to increase hours with the aim of becoming financially independent.

Is your husband a very high earner? How much equity is in the house and with a 65%/70% share would that provide enough for you to buy something smaller with a mortgage you could afford? Its not about what your husband wants its about the needs and welfare of the children and courts will always put their housing needs first.

You also need to factor in child maintenance - is 50:50 really an option that meets the children's needs? It can work but also can be very disruptive for the children. Have you discussed this from your children's point of view?

You really must seek legal advice and do not agree to anything without doing so

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 01-Jul-16 14:15:37

You have been given really good advice.
Has he really thought 50:50 that he would be totally responsible for the children on his time, so paying for childcare and collecting if they are ill. I would suspect not. Financially he wants you to work time, but it is highly likely he wants you to pick up the balls when the children are poorly.

Minime85 Fri 01-Jul-16 18:52:10

Set seek legal advice and don't move out. You have every right to be there. You name is on the mortgage and deeds

minxthemanx Thu 14-Jul-16 12:55:13

Golly this is exactly the situation I'm in. Feel for you OP. DH refuses to leave. Both DS have medical needs and DH has (undiagnosed but definite) aspergers. He is impossible to live with, drives teenage DS insane, and it's affecting our health. Like you, just don't know what to do next.

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