Learning how to live after his lies

(5 Posts)
charlotte7465 Fri 10-Jun-16 13:53:57

Last year I separated from husband due to adultery with an old school friend of his and another woman he met at a wedding. We have two little girlsage five and seven.

I later found out from looking at his computer and phone he was looking at prostitute sites for yearsand had a secret credit card account with a lot of debt. I went to get a STD screen shaking and crying the next day. At the time I didn't take a copy of any of the information I found or text messages between the prostitutes arranging meetings. I have no proof as a result now. I was too shocked at the time to think about getting evidence. When i confronted him He denied seeing prostitutes, said thei made the text messages up and said that all men look at sex sites. He says the credit card was spent on things for the family. He says he likes sex and women etc. He turned it around and made it sound like I was small minded and closed off to sex.

When we were together he never helped with the house, always drank heavily and complained aout the girls being noisy. He would say nasty things to me. But in public he always looked like a nice guy and husband and people would tell me how lucky i was and how he loved his girls.

He has admitted to friends and family that he had an affair with the woman from school and another one night stand at a friends wedding. He tells them he was undert stress at work, very remorseful and wanted to work to save our marriage but that I overreacted etc, he's turned it around so it makes it look like i didn't try hard enough and took the girls away from their daddy and now they are suffering because I have done this to them. But he has hidden the money issues and the prostitutes from everyone. I dont want to expose my daughters to lots of stress and create a war with his family and friends by trying to convince people he's lying. I just think they will think I am mad, as he seems such a nice man. So i keep quiet about what I know and cry every day. I feel so weak and worry so much for my girls.

So how I live with the fact he will never admit to all this and that I can;t prove it? That no one will ever know what kind of person he really is and that people blame me, even friends I knew well? He;s so good at hiding the real him.

I find it hard to function every day. I'm so alone with what has happened to me, trying to understand why he did this. All I can think it that I need to stay strong for the girls and try and be happy around them, but when they are at school and after they go to bed, I just crumble. How I move on and make a life for myself again?

paap1975 Fri 10-Jun-16 13:59:57

One, this is not your fault and two, you don't need to prove it to anyone. He has no right to treat you like this, you deserve better. If your friends can't take your word for it, then I'd say they're probably not very good friends. I know it's hard, but please but him behind you and move on. There are plenty of decent, respectful men out there. flowers to you

lifeisunjust Fri 10-Jun-16 14:15:23

Sorry to hear of your story.

I wake every day and pinch myself, years later it is still hard to accept. But I find this website quite inspiring and I always turn here to boost my confidence and to know I am not alone.
www.chumplady.com/

charlotte7465 Fri 10-Jun-16 18:10:45

Thanks for your replies. They helped. The chumplady website was interesting because he has said very similar things if not exactly the same, so it was really useful for me.

He's arguing for 50 /50 shared parenting now so that's why I feel like I will never be free of him. I have to find the strength to stand up to him.

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 22:48:49

He wants 50/50 because of child support. It is reduced if he has them half the time.

Never mind his lies and proving to others. You know what you saw. You are not obligated to forgive infidelity even if he is sorry.

He wanted to stay married and have a lover. That's a selfish immature attitude.

Be kind to yourself - you deserve it.

The link below will help you move and detach from him.

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

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