mediation tomorrow and I am very anxious

(4 Posts)
ConkersDontScareSpiders Thu 09-Jun-16 10:22:40

Just that really-I have my first joint mediation session with h tomorrow. I have found out over the last three months that he is far from the person I thought him to be. He is very bullish but unfortunately very articulate and convincing. I am suffering with massive anxiety and having recently found out about his affair with my best friend am not in a good state at all.
We had previously agreed (between us-not legally ratified ) a rough financial settlement that I know believe-having found further information on his salary etc, to be unfair. He has accused me of lots of things but most hurtfully of exaggerating my reaction to the thing with my friend on purpose, (I suppose I have had a bit of a break down-have had to start taking medication for anxiety and depression-feel quite poorly), losing my job on purpose in order to somehow fleece him for money (I failed my probation as I was a huge mess following discovery of their affair on the morning I started my new job), and wanting to alter our agreement purely for revenge. None of those things are the case and I just feel weighed down by the whole thing.
Don't know why I'm posting really except for maybe a bit of a handhold. And I guess can anyone with experience tell me what their joint mediation sessions were like so I know what to expect?

Fidelia Thu 09-Jun-16 12:43:11

If you're worried, why not ask to be in separate rooms? Explain about the affair and that there is an imbalance of power and that you;re concerned about whether you'll be able to think clearly & unemotionally whilst he's in the room.

My joint mediation was a horrible, horrible experience. But my Ex was EA to me and I found that something within me was just fighting hard to not say yes to everything. I cried during it too when Ex scoffed at me and rolled his eyes (I was trying to explain how the dc and I couldn't manage on benefits & trying to pay a HUGE mortgage with no help). And I had no chance to show all the evidence I had, because Ex just talked over me and, again, the mediator fell for his charm.

So the next time, I asked in advance for separate rooms. That time I was able to explain to the mediator when Ex was lying/not telling the full truth and show evidence of that. Ex had brought very little evidence of anything with him, probably assuming he could talk his way into what he wanted. I had brought tons of evidence and could refute what Ex claimed, and back up what I said I needed....This is how it should have gone in the original joint mediation, but being in the same room just made that impossible. Once in separate rooms we made huge amounts of progress.

ConkersDontScareSpiders Thu 09-Jun-16 19:07:02

I didn't even know you could ask for that-thank-you!-I think that would definitely be helpful in my situation. I will certainly request that I think.
I'm feeling very sick about it now...I've seen him today and he lied to me about something (that I 100%know to be a lie) and he's so good at it that even I was nearly convinced despite having seen written evidence to the contrary. I have real fears as to how this will go...

user1464519881 Thu 09-Jun-16 21:21:25

I also emphasise as said above take the evidfence. Print it all out, bank statements, P60s, tax returnss, pension details and anything else relevant. If possible take 2 copies so you can hand over some but keep yours.
Take 2 copies of the initial "agreement" you wrote.

Also perhaps type out and print out bullet points of what you think is a reasonable deal. You may well be able to get a full time job which will help finances and any children as the probation failure was probably just a temporary blip.

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