initial separation money/tenancy situation

(12 Posts)
sigmaFTlabarinth Tue 07-Jun-16 00:19:49

DW and I don't work, she has an alcohol and money problems (pdl debt overspending) I have an anger problem.

DW is a SAHM I work we have two DDs 10&7. The tendency is just in my name (dickhead letting agent, not listening). If I move out into a room and pay water/electric/council tax/rent what else should I do? the children need stuff and I need cash to move away from DW.

What would be a fair, amenable and decent thing to do regarding money. I'll be going NC with DW because... issues. So any suggestions as I've never done this before and yes lawyers will become involved at some point.

wheresthel1ght Tue 07-Jun-16 19:38:39

I don't think she can stay in the house if the tenancy is only in your name. You would need to get your landlord to amend the agreement to either add her name and make it joint or terminate your agreement and start a new one with her.

As for everything money wise I would look at the csa calculator at what you should pay based on your earnings and nights your girls are with you. Work out how much of that you are giving her as rent/bills and anything over that give her as a bank transfer. If it comes out to more than csa the. You need to assess how much you can afford to give her. However she will be entitled to housing benefits, child tax credit and child benefit so that might need to be taken into account in your calculations regarding how much you give her for rent and bills.

sigmaFTlabarinth Tue 07-Jun-16 19:54:17

thank you I just did the calculator and £176 per week seems a bit low. I guess the easiest thing would be to sort out swapping the tenency to her.

wheresthel1ght Tue 07-Jun-16 19:58:11

£176 a week is quite high ime so you must be a high earner so if you am afford to give her more then do although if her alcohol and money issues are severe you might be better suggesting you keep the house and girls and help her find somewhere else?

sigmaFTlabarinth Tue 07-Jun-16 20:30:36

Yes high earner, we've discussed separation and it's a flat no on her part I've spent years tidying up her drink and money disasters and the fact that she's about to be ccj'd and is ignoring it is a final straw. I think if I pay all household bills move out and go NC will be the best for both of us. How I manage the emotional disaster for the children is a separate thing which I haven't thought about yet. I don't really know what to do

Mycatsabastard Tue 07-Jun-16 20:41:39

If her drinking is that bad and her management of money is that bad, is leaving the children with her the best thing for them? Surely a stable home environment with a parent who doesn't drink is better for them?

You could easily afford child care and could then arrange for the children to see their mum when she is sober.

Quite honestly I don't think it's fair to leave them with a parent who can't stay off drink and is likely to lose the house because she can't manage money.

You need to think about what's right for them. Not what they want (if they want to stay with their mum) but what's in their best interests. And quite honestly I wouldn't be leaving any child of mine with a person who can't stay sober or keep a roof over their head.

sigmaFTlabarinth Tue 07-Jun-16 20:55:18

catbastard what you have said is the crux of a lot of our argunents. I have planed for the scenario you've said and it's my ideal. But we are at an impasse. I don't know what to do next so I'm exploring this option

millymollymoomoo Tue 07-Jun-16 21:47:09

You would leave the children with their mother who has an alcohol problem ? Seriously? What do you mean by you have anger issues?

Financially in the short term you'd probably need to keep paying everything, at least till dw claimed benefits and ultimately seeks employment - which seems not likely if she does have an alcohol problem. Longer term you'll have to pay child maintenance, possibly spousal maintenance and share any assets you may have .

However. I think you need to seriously think about the children's welfare and who can meet their needs best and if there are any safety concerns

Mycatsabastard Tue 07-Jun-16 21:54:34

Then what you do is seek legal advice asap and apply for a residency order. Maybe it would be better if she left the house and you remained there with the children. That way you could maybe fund a flat for her but the children have the stability of remaining with you.

Either way you need to put their welfare first and I don't think leaving them with a parent who isn't capable of doing that is a great idea.

Bear in mind any spousal support or child maintenance could likely end up being spent on alcohol and you'd effectively be funding her habit. Maybe this could be the shake up she needs to actually seek help for her addiction but a) you can't force her to change or seek help, she needs to do that herself and b) your children should not be there to witness any further decline into alcoholism.

See advice on this. Don't say 'she won't agree to it' because of course she won't. She will fight tooth and nail to keep her children (and the money you provide for them) but ultimately it's what is best for THEM not you or her that matters.

wheresthel1ght Tue 07-Jun-16 22:30:21

You definitely need to see a solicitor.

Leaving your kids with an alcoholic who refuses to do anything to curb their drinking could be classed as abandonment. You could be just as liable should anything happen to them in her care.

Prepared for a battle but it is one you can win if her drinking etc is as bad as you suggest. Your kids mental and physical well being is paramount and as such you need to be seen to be acting on their best interest, that isn't necessarily caring for their mum. I say that as the child of an alcoholic father. He has been in recovery for 18 years but he will always be an alcoholic and the memories will never leave me!

I wish my mum had had the strength to leave and protect us. Please make sure you take your children and protect them! Do not be beaten by fear or threats from her

sigmaFTlabarinth Tue 07-Jun-16 22:35:18

millymollymoomoo of course I don't want to leave children with someone who has an alcohol problem. I have anger issues because it makes me feel very angry knowing that alcohol is ruining things for our family. She's done rehab twice and still the drinking continues with lots of denial. And is in denial about the impending ccj where I will snap and end up paying for it even though it's nothing to do with me (see anger right there). I've put forward already what you and catvastard have suggested. So what are my options?

millymollymoomoo Wed 08-Jun-16 09:54:21

then you need to seek good legal advice, stating clear, evidenced welfare concerns about leaving your children with their mother and CAFCASS etc will need to be involved if necessary.
My advice would be not to leave the house and children in this environment. Have you sought good legal advice yet? You absolutely need this.

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