Should I mediate with a controlling abuser?

(13 Posts)
maybelemonade Fri 27-May-16 19:23:33

Horrible history. Abusive ex for 10 years. Daughter born, he continued, harming both of us. Final separation. I initiated negotiation re contact. He breached it by harming my daughter. Then matter went to court. He won - he had solicitor, consultant and barrister against me as Litigant in Person. Court process continued, I defended myself - lost some, won some, but then lost - his legal team kept keeping out my evidence and then used clever legalise. Anyway, now, I'm in an awful position. He is wealthy, I am not. He's using his wealth to continue control over me, as well as abuse - but so difficult to 'document' as there is only him, me, and dd as witnesses.

So, here's my question. I know that if I went 'back' to him, all this awfulness would stop. But he would be 'winner' and would continue his 'control' with this 'victory'. I don't want to be part of this, but the more I stand up for myself, the more I get pummelled.

(He used to shove me to the ground, twist my right arm around me, sit on me and spit on me - normal Friday night sadly) and I feel as if this is still happening metaphorically via the court process.

I'm out of energy. I want my life back. I want to be free. But the only way I can be free of this legal madness is if I am nice to him.

Do I mediate and get a solution to end legal madness (he has outgunned me) or do I stand my ground and continue the legal battle knowing that I have no hope as I am a Litigant in Person with no resources for legal counsel? All CAB / Rights of Women / Women's Aid advice and help bolster my perspective, but courts bolster his.

What do I do? Still stand up and lose my life, or lie down and let him spit on me so that at least I get a semblance of independence back?

Any thoughts?

DoreenLethal Fri 27-May-16 19:25:21

No don't lie down. Never.

What is the situation at the moment regarding your daughter?

maybelemonade Fri 27-May-16 19:37:59

I know, I have said 'never'. But the problem is that the court process has been through and he has 'won' because his legal team left out my evidence (never thought this could happen, but hey, it did).

Re my dd - she comes home just wanting to hug, and I am just there for her, and I learn later the things that he did to upset her, some very aggressive.

Then he takes her away on holidays, to Hamleys for shopping spree, lots of games on her ipad etc - i see it his as 'buying' her compliance - but I can't do anything except be there for her.

However, if I am 'nice' to him, then the awfulness towards dd would stop as would the court stuff between us - but then I'd have to accept his 'perspective' - think Rob Titchener in Archers - ..... and even as I'm writing this, I know it is wrong - but I need the court stuff to stop and the only way is for me to be 'nice' to him.

AnyFucker Fri 27-May-16 19:41:07

Don't cave.

Don't show your daughter that women must submit to men.

Have you good female friendships/family to support you emotionally ?

Sparkletastic Fri 27-May-16 19:41:45

Urgh what an awful situation. My first instinct was to say run away and disappear with DD but that would be pointless. Could you instead become a temporarily devious person and secretly gather recorded evidence of his abuse. Is there any family member on your side that could pay for legal representation?

VenusRising Fri 27-May-16 19:47:25

No don't mediate with an abuser.
In fact a mediator won't work with him and you together.

PrisonercellblockH Fri 27-May-16 19:51:34

I completely understand how you feel, courts can be used as a tool to abuse you and it's impossible to explain how that feels.

So I can see the appeal of going back.

However there's no guarantee the abuse will stop, it may just make it worse because he's won.

Be careful about doing anything rash like running away, or secretly doing anything - Courts don't like it.

What I would advise is making use of the support that there is, encourage your dd to confide in teachers or other trusted adults. Children's Services can really help in this situation.

You're doing a fantastic job of parenting, don't give in just yet.

maybelemonade Fri 27-May-16 22:31:39

Thank you all. I live separately with dd, and there is no way I'm going back to live with him - my query was based on principle. Sad history, complicated court process, made awful because I was a litigant in person. But we have one more court process to go through and my query is this - do I open channels of mediation so that he wont's use his wealth to trounce me again, or do I stand up (as I feel I should because it is on the par of when I stood up against him to say no to his violence and got non-mol to get him away from me) because if I stand up, then I'd be very poor, but no longer under his control.

Am I cutting my nose of to spite my face? On principle, how to deal with a controlling abuser? Knowing that they are 'stronger' than you because of their relative wealth?

fryingtoday Sat 04-Jun-16 20:20:16

I am a victim of abuse and mediation was not considered appropriate. Imagine same will be true for you. Forget the money and barristers - my ex has them all but cafcass are 100 per cent ensuring my kid is protected, no matter how much money he throws at this.

FV45 Sat 04-Jun-16 20:51:43

Ditto on not going to mediation with an abusive partner.

lifeisunjust Sun 05-Jun-16 08:04:27

I mediated with an absusive and violent husband. It worked. It took 2 years to get him there but it worked. I would not be in receipt of maintenance, had he not been finally persuaded to mediate.

I don't think you can just say no. Especially if the alternative is court.

FV45 Sun 05-Jun-16 12:33:54

Yes you can just say no.

There should be absolutely NO pressure for anyone to mediate with someone abusive.

I am glad it worked for you and I do appreciate that it can be complex.

adviceneededmums Wed 22-Jun-16 23:12:28

I know exactly how you feel. Money and abusive men are a perfect match sad

The problem is the children don't understand the manipulation they are going through. My son is told he can go live with his dad whenever he wants X is bought the equivalent to Christmas most months and he doesn't work making him more available where there is me working 40 hours a week barely any money but all the love and emotional support in the world X

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