What things did you do/do you wish you had done beforehand to make separating easier?

(11 Posts)
LazyCake Fri 27-May-16 13:54:22

Just that really. I am seriously thinking about leaving H and want to be as prepared as possible. He has told me that if I go he'll 'make it as hard as possible' and has already threatened variously to never see DD again, to give up his job, refuse to negotiate a settlement, go for majority custody, etc. I am a SAHM and he owns the house, plus all savings are in his name, so I am a little scared!

If you have gone through/are going through something similar, how did you prepare yourself? Or are there things you didn't do but wish you had of?

brodchengretchen Fri 27-May-16 16:45:13

Yeah, I wish I had taken no notice of what ex threatened and had more faith in the court system.

LazyCake Fri 27-May-16 21:52:46

Thanks, brodchengretchen, that's encouraging. smile Hope it all worked out for you as you wanted.

FV45 Sat 28-May-16 07:51:37

There's nothing you can do to change his behaviour, you just need to arm yourself to be able to handle it.

For me (EA divorce) my friends, family and running has stopped him breaking me entirely.

You need someone or somewhere to go when you reach a crisis.

Also look up injunctions - you may have grounds for a non molestation order.

Keep a diary.

Good luck OP flowers

LazyCake Sat 28-May-16 15:07:06

Thank you, FV45. I am glad you had a good support network to see you through.

I shall follow your suggestion of a journal.

FV45 Sat 28-May-16 15:21:54

lazy it's still ongoing unfortunately.
My support has changed over time, as it's gone on so long and I can't expect people to be there all the time.

I've had both professional and non-professional help and support.

Take what you can. Doctors, women's aid, counsellors, friends, family, neighbours.

LazyCake Mon 30-May-16 12:26:16

FV45, I am so sorry to hear that you are still in the midst of it. flowers I get what you are saying about there being a limit to what can be reasonably expected from supporters when these things go on and on...

BTW, I have already found your suggestion of a journal very helpful. Sat down last night and noted all the weird lies/threats/manipulations I can remember from the last few years. Really helped to clear my head and hopefully - if I do manage to separate - I'll be able to re-read it whenever I have a wobble to remind myself why I needed to go.

Good luck.

nuttymango Mon 30-May-16 12:31:15

Another one saying take whatever support you can. When I went through it there wasn't the support there and it was hell on earth. It probably would have been anyway but without the support it all seemed much harder.

PurpleWithRed Mon 30-May-16 12:35:35

View the separation like childbirth: messy and painful but over relatively quickly and worth it in the end.

Gather financial evidence: list all the property of the marriage. It doesn't matter whose name it's in. Includes pensions. Ideally get account numbers and exact values but if not just knowing the account exists is very helpful.

Find yourself a good solicitor: phone them up, see them for half an hour, find the one you gel with best.

Have a plan for the moment you separate: a very short speech + an exit route.

I wish I'd done all these things!

DearTeddyRobinson Mon 30-May-16 13:13:35

Ok firstly you need to arm yourself with the facts. As you are married, all marital assets will be split 50:50, this is the default position and the basis upon which any judge would decide a settlement. This includes the marital home, any savings, pensions and other assets.
There is a strong case for you to remain in your home, as you are primary carer for your DC. The default split of custody/parental responsibility is also 50:50 these days I believe but subject to various factors like age of children etc.
Your husband is making threats based on thin air, and a good solicitor will clear that up pronto. Get yourself a lawyer tomorrow and retake control of the process.
Good luck flowers

LazyCake Mon 06-Jun-16 08:17:17

Thanks to everyone who has posted here. Sorry it's taken me ages to reply - was unplugged for half term!

Definitely need to get a lawyer by the sounds of it. I have called round several to find out about initial consultations, etc but haven't summoned the nerve to make an appointment yet. My sister has said she'll come with me, so that'll be a big help.

PurpleWithRed, the childbirth analogy made me laugh. Found it oddly reassuring! grin

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