husband has just woken me up to tell me he's leaving

(37 Posts)
ilyacailly Fri 29-Apr-16 03:11:44

I just went downstairs to change the baby's nappy (so I wouldn't disturb our 4 year old).

Husband is there, drunk after a night at the pub plus more alcohol at home, stating that he was about to come to bed.

I remarked that he hadn't turned off the Sky TV and tried to do it for him. He then turned on the actual TV set, so I laughed and told him that it was the wrong bit.

Well - he went mad. Called me a fucking cunt and stormed off outside.

I knew that if I argued too much with him that he'd upset the baby and wake our son, so went back to bed.

He's just come up now (I pretended to be asleep so I'd avoid a massive drunken argument'.

He just shook me to wake me up and tell me that he's leaving me tomorrow; that I'm just like my Dad (who is a controlling, nasty person at times) and that he's 'not being treated badly anymore).

I didn't do anything wrong - I feel he's trying to justify his actions of what he's about to do in his head.

I told him that I won't be spoken to in the way he just did and I won't have that behaviour around the children.
I also told him that I won't beg him to stay as I won't be treated in the way he just behaved.

Since our daughter was born, 4 months ago, he's been awful. Really horrible - pretty much from the second she came home. I'm suffering with very bad SPD but he's still making me do all the school runs and take our boy swimming, whilst he works from home and lies in bed until at least 10 every morning.

Where the hell do I go from here?
This is going to break my little boy's heart.

Spandexpants007 Fri 29-Apr-16 03:17:52

Make the break now while ds is young

Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo Fri 29-Apr-16 03:32:21

Spandex is right. You poor thing. How on earth have you been managing? It would actually be easier without the deadweight and the drama you now.

ilyacailly Fri 29-Apr-16 03:32:50

It's going to be really hard. The only way I can financially do it is by moving 200 miles away, back to where both our families are. We have no one where we live, so there's nothing to keep me here. Could I do that or would a court stop me? It would be better for the children as they'd have both sets of grandparents nearby, whereas here I'd have to go on benefits and I'd have absolutely no help or support.

I'm really upset but, to be honest, if he does go I think it'd be a bit of a relief as he's been so awful recently. I'm fuming that he's trying to make out that I'm the one at fault. I know I'm snappy but I've just had a baby, I'm shattered and I'm in constant pain. Surely he should be helping me/being loving and attentive, rather than being like this? It's almost like that because life is suddenly not all about him, that he's throwing his toys out of his pram.

ilyacailly Fri 29-Apr-16 03:38:14

Just15minutes - to be honest, I don't really know how I've managed to cope. I've had my mum/his parents down staying with us on and off to help out, as I have days where walking is hard. He's behaved better when they're here but has been nasty under his breath/in quiet corners.

I've not been reacting, at all really, when he's been like this as I'm too tired to deal with arguments, so I think I've been protecting myself.

In some ways he's been good - cooked dinner most nights and done bath/bed routines, but hasn't been very emotionally supportive to me at all. I've been called a shit mother, a waste of space and an idiot on several occasions.

Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo Fri 29-Apr-16 03:39:38

TBH, I wouldn't wait around for a legal opinion, I'd just pack up the children and go to where the support is. It doesn't sound as though there's a speck from 'D'H. I can't see a court ordering you back to a life of benefits and a drunken dad and would he really organize himself as far as court?

Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo Fri 29-Apr-16 03:42:26

I've been called a shit mother, a waste of space and an idiot on several occasions.

X post.

A shit mother and waste of space who is carrying the whole show of a baby and 4 year old single handed with SPD? Yes you sound awful hmm He on the other hand sounds a prize.

I'm not sure if I've ever actually typed 'LTB' before but you and the DC really do need rid don't you?

ilyacailly Fri 29-Apr-16 03:44:19

I think he'd fight me, legally. He's a very clever man who does, when he gets up, work very hard from home. It infuriates me, though, that when he doesn't have work coming in (he's freelance), that he'll lie in bed all day. He won't offer to have the baby so I can have a nap. Actually, now I'm really thinking about it - he's not done that once in the four months she's been here. He'll stay in bed until the early afternoon sometimes and I can be pretty much dead on my feet.
But he's not offered. Not once. I'm actually getting angry just thinking about it. I think I'm been in too much of a post natal fog to realise.

Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo Fri 29-Apr-16 03:44:33

I did leave a drunken arse taking a baby and toddler with me BTW, so I'm not just cheerleading without benefit of experience. Life got much better. Not easier exactly - two under five is never easy, but happier.

Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo Fri 29-Apr-16 03:45:18

What are his parents like?

ilyacailly Fri 29-Apr-16 03:46:40

He goes to the pub about 4 times a week. He doesn't go until about 9pm, but he won't see if I'd like him at home. He works from home so it's his way of being around other people. But it's so financially draining and so selfish.

ilyacailly Fri 29-Apr-16 03:48:34

His parents are lovely. But I think he'll be able to persuade them that I'm a bitch, as he's they're little golden boy. But, then again, they've seen him when he's drunk and they aren't happy with how much he drinks. To be honest, I've protected them a lot from what he can be like.

Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo Fri 29-Apr-16 03:49:32

4 times a week with a new baby in the house is seriously OTT.

Stylingwax Fri 29-Apr-16 03:50:09

I'm so sorry that sounds dreadful. I also had a baby 4 months ago, and feeding her now and listening to my DP snoring (bless him), I can't imagine someone behaving so badly.
I think I would also pack up and go. I presume he'll be sleeping it off tomorrow morning so that might be a good opportunity to pack a quiet bag and take the children?

Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo Fri 29-Apr-16 03:50:16

Time to stop shielding him at the very least?

ilyacailly Fri 29-Apr-16 03:51:10

Yes. Yes it is. But he won't listen. I don't think I'm going to stop him if he does go tomorrow. I love him, but this isn't healthy. I'm just terrified about how the hell I'll make this all work.

ilyacailly Fri 29-Apr-16 03:53:21

If I took them, what would happen regarding school? I can't just up and leave mid-term to go miles away? That would be very unsettling for my son. If this had been a year ago, he'd still be in nursery so it'd be simpler.

Just5minswithDacreandhugeDildo Fri 29-Apr-16 03:59:18

Loving a drinker never really gets you very far. It certainly never saves them from their worst behaviour.

As far as schools go, I'd maybe look at it like ripping a plaster off quickly. This marriage sounds doomed from your description. It doesn't even sound debatable. If that is accurate, then it's really a question of when the end will come and where you live afterwards. If you really think you'll have to move, then a school move will be on the cards at some point. Do you see any hope for the relationship? Sometimes it helps to get really analytical.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Fri 29-Apr-16 04:03:53

Your H sounds awful. Lazy and unsupportive, rude and nasty. Does he realise how far he has pushed you and how much he has got to lose if you move away? Perhaps he thinks you are trapped in the situation and have no options so just have to take it.

I would give him the chance to redeem himself- better behaviour, no nastiness and counselling for him/both of you would be a start. If he isn't interested then there's your answer and you wouldn't have to feel guilty at moving away.

Regarding the moving- there is never a good time. Best to just get on with it.

mathanxiety Fri 29-Apr-16 04:04:34

Don't talk yourself out of it. There are practical difficulties, yes. However, there are huge difficulties right now that re deliberately inflicted on you by someone who should be your best friend.

Your DS is young. It may seem like a big upheaval, but moving when your DCs is young is much easier than (1) trying to go it alone far from your support, (2) trying to create a healthy and happy family life or even trying to keep all the balls in the air with a heckler and an entitled drunk for a partner, and (3) moving when they are older and have established friends and settled well in school.

He isn't likely to go anywhere. He is just making threats to establish who has all the power in your home sad. He clearly thinks you have no options but to stay and get dumped on by him.

So make plans, sort out a school for your DS, see a solicitor and call Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) to get some counselling for yourself and some moral support and possibly a referral to a solicitor.

ilyacailly Fri 29-Apr-16 04:05:39

It's so sad, as he can be a really lovely man. But his recent behaviour, plus how he is after alcohol, isn't good. I think he's depressed, but he's not listening to me at all. However, he's always been a drinker and I don't see that improving.

I'm going to try to sleep before the baby wakes up. Thank you for everything tonight xxxxx

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Fri 29-Apr-16 05:12:10

He's not acting like a lovely man - the opposite. Make plans to leave when you can.

AugustaFinkNottle Fri 29-Apr-16 05:15:24

If he's leaving, do you need to? Can you stay where you are, at least for now? For sure he's going to have to pay child support, and also maintenance for you, and the children's need for a secure home comes first.

Brightside65 Fri 29-Apr-16 05:44:15

What a selfish drunk twat!

Wake him now while he's mid hangover and tell him to leave before children get up!

Hopefully by then he'll realise what an idiot he's been

Atenco Fri 29-Apr-16 06:36:28

Oh course he is depressed. Alcohol is a depressant, but only he could change himself.

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