Newly seperated. Help.

(41 Posts)
Cb112 Mon 21-Mar-16 20:05:24

I'm 26 and met my now ex husband at 16. We only married in March last year so we were blissfully happy. He sent me and our two children to portugal for a nice long holiday before our move to london in October last year. He said it would help us save for the deposit in london. I didn't see him for the first 6 weeks because he couldn't afford to see us while moving jobs. After that was every 2 weeks and we had a lovely happy time. Christmas new year was great. All of a sudden January he started ignoring me. I didn't know when I was getting out of Portugal and day by day if he did make contact with me he'd be nasty. Every weekend he'd see me he'd say sorry. He said he was so depressed I believed him totally. Then he stopped telling me he loved me. I asked him. Then he dropped the bomb shell on me by text. He fell in love in October with a Swedish with blue hair and sent me off back to my mum's in Essex 2weeks ago. So now I'm here. I'm so lost. As if its a dream. He's giving me 2weeks to get my head round it so no seeing us. Which is what I need.
7 months he stayed faithful in my marriage to him. He I said pressured him into moving.
He lied to me for months giving me hope and still made love to me on his visits.
I can't express how crushed I truly am. I feel so alone. Devastated.
I don't think I'm ugly. Not fat. All I can think of is it must be my personality. I must have a boring one. Our boys are great. He has a good relationship with them and I will help him with that but I am broken and i don't want to be.

holeinmyheart Mon 21-Mar-16 20:29:56

Ok first of all it is not you. Most men are unfaithful because they have the opportunity. Your DH has had the opportunity. Often when they have had the excitement of a new romance/ or their dick has, they realise that it is not what they want and come slinking back.
This is extremely painful and humiliating and a terrible blow to your ego.
So now you have to think more about your feelings than his. You need to seek professional advice. Try your utmost NOT to contact him and do any grovelling. If you want him back then you need to have seen a solicitor because any money that he has is also yours. You need not to make it easy for him in the hope that he may come back.
Try very hard not to involve your children ( try not to cry in front of them) as it will distress them and despite him being a grade one waste of space, he is still their Father. He will be sorry, as even if he doesn't come back, his children will never forgive him.
Cry and rant on Mumsnet as much as you like.. We are loving and kind and sympathetic. Try to restrict telling friends for the moment, as if you do take him back, then they will feel very awkward having hated him and despised him on your behalf.
If you can't sleep, then go and get some mild sleeping tablets from the Dr. You need to rest from the mind churning horrible situation. Naturally you will feel anxious and depressed, try and go out for walks as much as possible.
I wish I could take the pain away, but I can't.
Lots of hugs.......he is a grade one bastard.

Cb112 Mon 21-Mar-16 20:43:44

Thank you. My confidence is knocked totally.
Even if I did want him back he would never come back to me. When I saw him before our son's 3rd birthday I did want him back and wanted a hug so badly. He said this is why I didn't want to do this as I knew you'd never let me go. And told me how many times they had sex and that he does not love me any more. He said he loves her. She got the phone call as he also lied to her about his family. Apparently she cried and broke it off. I'm quite certain they will get back together as she was flying from Sweden to see him. Sounded serious and that he told me he keeps texting her to say sorry. He is good at self pity and crying that sensitivity was attractive to me and probably other women too. He told me he is a compulsive liar and is stopping now. He said he still cares for me but does not love me any more and even if he was not with her he would not be with me again.
Thank you for your reply. He calls my mum's to talk to the kids so I have to leave the room. I'm thinking of having a family member deal with him for a while as it stops me moving on. Sets me back. I am utterly lost. Feels like my best friend of 10 years is dead.

holeinmyheart Mon 21-Mar-16 21:16:20

Well I think you should become as difficult as possible. It is early days yet and he is in the honeymoon stage. When he has seen her bending down naked to pick up her socks, farting and some more of her less than desirable habits.....the shine will rub off.
She sounds like a possibly sensible girl anyway, as she gave him up briefly as he is a lying cheating bastard. Lovely ! She may give him the push and then the boot will be on the other foot. She will never be free of your kids anyway. I think you should let them look after your two for a week, having fed them on sugar before hand. That should finish her off.

You really need to stop any contact with him. He needs not to know what you are thinking and you need to concentrate on what you want.. Don't think about him and what he is doing, try and think about you and your needs.
Horrible as it is, you won't always love him as you can't go on loving a cad .

Go to a solicitor and get a breakdown of your options. Don't rush into anything but if you have any paper work relating to your marriage ( bank statements) that would be good. Don't invite him to family dos where you will be present. He is getting you running after him. I want him to KNOW what it would be like without you.
Of course you are going to mull things over. We can really beat ourselves up with very negative thoughts.. Ask your Dr for a free Mindful course. That will help the anxiety and meds for sleeping.
He is behaving like a selfish shit so you return the favour. NO CONTACT! NO TALIKING TO HIM? LET HIM WONDER AND WORRY?
Hugs and lots of love.

holeinmyheart Mon 21-Mar-16 21:18:07

I am glad you have a Mum. Hope she is being supportive

Cb112 Mon 21-Mar-16 21:39:53

Yes I am going to do that. But I just know he doesn't wonder or worry about me. You can't care or love someone and treat them like this.
I pretended for our son's birthday we are all happy and friends but it hurt too much as was all like normal.
I tried to help him and sent him an email yesterday said he had to go to a councillor for his lying.
He said he won't. He said its just he can't help the way he feels about me and nothing else.
I knew that already I just don't want him to keep saying it. Any way sons first day at school today so he called to speak to him twice.
But come tomorrow I won't make contact until 2nd April when he is seeing them next but I have decided I won't be here my mum will be and he will get 2 hours a visit each night. Is that fair? Limiting contact? He's messed my head up so much by leading me on.
I think he knows what its like without me and prefers it. We did have pressures and I did pressure him to move.
But never imagined in my wildest dreams he would send a text to tell me he is in love with a girl called Matilda and she lives in Sweden :-(

Cb112 Mon 21-Mar-16 21:42:01

My mum is great. She looks after my boys and gets me out of bed. Sometimes I'm so down I do not know what to do with myself.
I wish and hope it takes me 5 months to get over this like it did him x

holeinmyheart Mon 21-Mar-16 22:07:00

Well I know you are upset... But whether you are upset and beat yourself up or not , it is still happening.....so you need to practise switching off. Hard as it is ... Why should you punish yourself, after all you haven't done anything. Keep away from him. When you feel like phoning or emailing him DONT. Please don't as absence makes the heart grow fonder, not crying and begging and losing your dignity.
I am sure that you are a beautiful human being and he is a lying cheating lump so shite. He doesn't deserve you.
Hugs

Cb112 Mon 21-Mar-16 22:38:39

Thank you. I know you are right. I can do this and when I get my moments of feeling like I cannot I will be right back here talking to you. Thank you!!

holeinmyheart Mon 21-Mar-16 23:38:08

Well sweetheart I will be here for you ad infinitum. Not all men are disgusting faithless gits though.
You really need to get to a state of total indifference to him, as soon as possible. Have you got friends who will take you out? Even if you could forget for a moment what has happened to you, it would give you a little bit of peace. Is there No boyfriend in your past who would help put arnica on your bruised heart?
Of course you should be able to live alone, but that can come later.

You need a laugh.
What would be really great is for you to have another bloke on your arm and next time you see the lying toad, the other bloke is all over you like a rash.
( before the rest of the Mumsnetters relationship police flame me as in ' one should get over one relationship before starting another,) I am not saying it has to be anything serious as long as you both are honest.
Does he see you on Facebook. I would work on posting as many out at the pub/ club pics as poss. Looking as hot as poss.
I always found that when you thought someone was your devoted slave and suddenly they are not........mmmm it suddenly rekindles interest. It is human nature. The gloves should be off.
I wonder how the slug would react to you saying that you had shagged someone 52 times and his penis was much bigger than the slugs?
He doesn't deserve you.......practice saying that.......lots

Cb112 Tue 22-Mar-16 07:42:12

Thank you that made me laugh! He deleted his Facebook whilst my stay in Portugal now I know why. Thank you so much xxx
My first night without a sleeping pill last night squeezing my babies tight. Talking about it on here really helps. Xxx

holeinmyheart Tue 22-Mar-16 08:41:44

Don't worry about abandoning the sleeping pills as there is no shame in taking them. You have been dealt a massive blow to your ego. If you broke your leg, you would get plaster on it. Taking the sleeping pills is temporary , until you feel stronger.
If you sit at home wailing and feeling sorry for yourself ( which you have every right to do by the way) it will not make any difference to the situation, one way or the other.
So you might just as well get out and try and enjoy yourself. I would explain to your Mum what you are doing , as if you go from a sad lettuce leaf, to a mad flapper over night, she will be puzzled.
Call in all your favours from all your friends. Ask them to go out. Go and have fun. Try odd things like go cart racing, trampolling etc. If you have no friends around about get a temporary job, one night a week in a busy pub. Get your lippy on and enjoy being out.

If your babies can go to a nursery for a few hours then get to a gym. Walk very quickly for at least two miles a day and play your fav (cheerful) music through ear phones as you go. Get fit mentally and physically. It helps to feel and look your best to do combat with the shite.
DONT CONTACT HIM? CUT ALL CONTACT?
So far, he knows exactly where you are......you have been a doormat.......don't answer any of his texts, or just answer curtly. This is war and he is the enemy.

So now is the time to reinvent yourself. Don't have a dialogue with yourself that starts....I want him, he hates me...I am not good enough for him....he wants other women more than me,....etc etc. This sort of thing is beating yourself up.....why ?

You are totally innocent of any wrong doing, so why should you beat YOURSELF up? He is already doing a good job, so why do it to yourself on top?

So , a horrible thought comes into your head.....STOP it, scrub the floor, listen to your music and dance around the room madly, run around the block. Etc but no thinking negative thoughts.
Your mind controls your body, so you can do this.
You are going to get past this and one day when you are back on your feet with DCs who love and respect you.....you will have contempt for the lying SOB who dared to treat you like this.
You are a Princess......remember ! and you deserve better.
Hugs

Cb112 Tue 22-Mar-16 12:04:51

I will practice my best. Eldest son is 6 and in a new school now. Youngest is 3 and in nursery after Easter.
Seeing my friends again next month. Need some space.
I don't want to see him so when I know he visits I'm going out.
Until I'm settled in a new home and new life.
It just hurts the most when I know deep down he does not love me any more. I don't know when he stopped either.
I've been going on a run 3 days in a row.
Still fragile and close to tears. A bit up and down like a yo yo.
Thank you for your positivity x x x

holeinmyheart Tue 22-Mar-16 18:24:25

Running and swimming are good because it is difficult to think when you are doing them.

Don't be sure that he doesn't love you. He would probably like his cake and to eat it. It is a strange thing, but as I said , when he has got his hands on the other woman for a few months, he may find that he would rather have his hands on you.

Every relationship starts out rosy and then changes into a mature relationship with its ups and downs. This new relationship of his will change. I am afraid he may be back grovelling and begging forgiveness in a few months.

At the moment he is pretty confident that you would have him back. It is time to make him unsure....if you keep away from him, it might make him realise all that he is about to lose.
Also I would only allow him to see the children when it suits YOU not when it suits him. He is doing what suits him, so you do the same.

I do know that it is no good grovelling and begging as it is undignified and makes you feel bad. You are putting yourself up for being rejected again and again. So DONT
What is important now is your feelings and the feelings of your dear little boys.
Hugs

Cb112 Wed 23-Mar-16 10:49:04

Kids out at school and I've done everything I need to do. Now my loneliness has kicked in. I must have been an awful wife to deserve this pain! I'm so painfully lonely. Not talking to him. But he's not talking to me. I know he doesn't love me and its totally over.I just wish I wasn't lead on and lied to by my best friend! Wonder if I will be lonely forever.

holeinmyheart Wed 23-Mar-16 19:50:55

Good grief, you are not an awful wife. He is at fault, not you. Come on cheer up......try not to beat yourself up.
I don't want you to be jealous but I have just completed a long journey to a warm country and feel whacked, but will write more tomorrow.
Don't watch horrible sad films either. Don't go to bed too early and lie there thinking negative thoughts. He has done enough to you without you doing it to yourself.
Hugs

Cb112 Thu 24-Mar-16 09:52:23

Gave myself a slap this morning and I am bloody fine!! Lol!! Just can't wait to get the money I'm owed off him to start a new life!!! Once I get my money I will arrange a night out xx

holeinmyheart Thu 24-Mar-16 14:40:18

That's more like it. Feel angry with him and his stupidity , rather than sorry for yourself. He will be sorry, IMO and it will e too late when he comes crawling back. You will have forged a new life for yourself and possibly met someone who deserves you.
Please don't contact him.

Cb112 Thu 24-Mar-16 15:52:05

haven't contacted him at all. Don't even want to. Thinking of when he gives me money of moving near my friend in Newcastle. He works in London so he can still visit the boys. Thinking this new life will be so good for me :-)

holeinmyheart Fri 25-Mar-16 07:29:19

Hi, well I am proud of you. You seem a lot stronger and positive. You must be dead fit running. I am not fat but I am not very fit. Practice smiling.
You know it is likely that your Dh will come crawling back. If you have known each other since you were 16, then neither of you have experienced the excitement of lots of boy/ girl friends, being dumped and doing the dumping.
You don't actually die of love or being dumped. It is painful but if you think.....this is a painful part of my life but I am going to survive this, it helps.
I am having a painful part at the moment and can't wait for it to be over.. I know it be eventually be over and I will be alright. I have done a Mindful course and that helps with my mindset.
Anyway, take each day as it comes and be very cold towards him. It will make him think about what he is missing. No crying and begging as as he is in the honeymoon ( or so he thinks) period of this new and exciting relationship, it will NOT make any difference and you lose your dignity.
So practice being cold, nasty and selfish........that is what he is, so you be the same, and plan your new life with your lovely boys.
Hugs

Cb112 Fri 25-Mar-16 08:59:34

Thank you. I do hope you feel better too. I thank my lucky stars that I have my children to hug every night and without them I would fall apart. If he has been seeing this Matilda since October and only us every 2 weeks he's realised he can be without me and can move on. Since his new job in London it's given him a massive ego and made him stronger. Our relationship was over in October I only found out by text 2/3 weeks ago. He won't come crawling back and I won't wait for it. But if he ever does I will write on here and tell you, you were right. Any way I've made an appointment with my doctor so we can get some councilng too. Once I'm settled in New home I plan to do child maintenance legal way and then ask him for divorce. I don't plan on seeing him for a good few months at least if I can help it. He can just deal with my mum. But a new life for me alone without these mind games and stress sounds lovely. Life in the county, kids in good schools and me getting up to date with being a receptionist would be great. Next week I may even treat myself to new hair :-) I can do this. Forgot who I was being with him now I can find myself again and not talking to him or seeing him gives me time to get my head together and get stronger :-)

holeinmyheart Fri 25-Mar-16 17:00:03

Well you are young and have time to create a new life without this loser. It is not easy being married and responsible for two children, and he ran away. I think he will realise what he has missed and what he gave up. He hasn't seen much of the OW and she hasn't seen much of him. No relationship can sustain an endless honeymoon. I think he will be back grovelling. I know you don't but I do.

Anyway, what he or she thinks or feels is irrelevant. To me you are the most important person in all this and your boys. Your ex has forgone the opportunity to see them on a daily basis and watch them grow up. They will never forget that he abandoned them and you, without even trying to work on your relationship.
I think your resolve to become strong and concentrate on yourself and your future is a good move.
So he said he didn't want you.....well so what.....what a big mistake he has made. I know many people who did the same. They threw away something that was precious and when they came to their senses and realised, it was too late.
If you want to waste an emotion on him it should really be pity.
He is exceptionally cruel, as well as being stupid.
So don't let's think about him any more.

Tell me what are you doing now you don't have think about him any more? I hope you are off out as much as possible. I so want you to laugh and have some fun. Your boys need to laugh as well.
I also want you to get a good solicitor who will take him for every penny.

Cb112 Sat 26-Mar-16 00:22:18

Tuesday he gives me money apparently. Mid April he gives me more apparently. After that whether he does or not I go to a solicitor with my mum and see what more I can get and then I will go through csa for maintenance.
Wednesday I plan to go to Newcastle for a week with my boy's to see if we like it there for a new life. Haven't told him yet as he's made it clear he does not want us there. I don't care I can't be in essex living in our past. It's either new life in Ireland where we use to live near my dad (which he can still afford to get to every weekend, and can't be a problem seeing as he was willing to see us every 2 weeks in Portugal) I hope I like Newcastle. I can afford it there alone. Boys have an auntie there and I have my friend. Just seems somewhere where I can move on.
My mum cries to me about it as she can't get over our wedding day. It was beautiful, 6th March 2015. Our children 5, and 2 at the time were there. My eldest. Says "mummy do you remember our wedding day" he's 6 now. They're the most sensitive, kind boys you'll ever meet. I intend on keeping them that way.
I'm positive on a new life while heartbroken. But my boys keep me strong.
I can't go out drinking yet as I have 20p to my name until next week. If I like Newcastle and find somewhere I like within a week I will put the deposit down for a place. And give my boys security. No more moving. Xx

holeinmyheart Sat 26-Mar-16 14:01:00

Hi, you don't want to live near your Mum then? Wouldn't she help with child care and be really useful if you got a job?
Remember you don't have to tell your ex anything about what you are doing or discuss it with him, or ask his permission. He didn't ask your permission to have an affair or discuss it with you. He has lost the right for his feelings to be taken into account.
In fact if you could afford it I would correspond with him only through a solicitor or a third party. Delete his number from your phone and send him a text saying that if he wants to contact you, then he can do it through your Mum. If you have access to him it will be too easy to call him up in the early hours, sobbing and begging.
It will do him good to wonder what you are up to.
You are sounding good. Well done.
Xx hugs

Cb112 Sat 26-Mar-16 22:40:28

My mum has her own life and is busy. I can't face living in the area my husband and I grew up in.
I need to start a fresh. Ireland or Newcastle.
He's moving to Brixton apparently. Starting his new life.
I need to move on.
My son who is 6 is devastated about Daddy leaving. He was sick today. Asking me why daddy won't live with him. Telling me "but daddy promised to love you forever" breaks my heart but makes me be strong to look after him.
I know. I live for us 3 now. Such a tragedy as we were a happy family. He messed up. But I still have the boy's. I'm so fortunate.
I can't afford to see solicitor yet. My mum can deal with it for now xxx
Hope you're ok. Xxxxx

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