War between my ex's and I moved away from son...

(43 Posts)
needadvice255 Thu 03-Mar-16 14:51:46

I got divorced from my husband of 15 years — 2 years ago. We have a 10 year old son together. I was the breadwinner of the family and I worked and traveled while HE was a stay at home dad.

Not long after the divorce was filed I met and fell in love with a successful man who lived 2 hours away. In the divorce decree I had given my ex 50/50 but I was primary parent with jurisdiction rights, so I could move anywhere with my son.

Well, when my new boyfriend (now husband) asked me to quit my career (making 6 figures) and move with him and have my son — I said yes. I started the process and my ex went nuts. He couldn’t BELIEVE that I was planning to move away with our son. So, he got family money and a high powered attorney to issue a TRO for my son to stay in his current school etc.

So it began a war….and I spent about 20k in legal fees in 2 weeks. My ex was trying to say there was a problem with the original decree and that he wanted a bill of review — essentially a “do over”.

My fiancé (now husband) originally told me that he would put up the money and help me fight. But, then backed off and said if we couldn’t be assured by my lawyers that we were going to win — he wasn’t going to put his money in it. THIS news came after I already quit my job and MOVED 2 hours from my son to be with my then finance...because he said he could take care of me...until I found another job.

The REAL problem began when my attorneys wouldn’t talk with him. They wouldn’t allow him in MY mediation with my ex etc. He said “if I can’t be a part of this…I’m not paying.”

So what happened? I had to give up and I granted the “bill of review” and it’s been in a standstill ever since. We had temporary orders and I worked with my ex to just fire our lawyers, come up with our agreement and hire ONE lawyers to draft it - sign it and be done with it.

Mind you — I was supposed to be paying 1000 in child support per month. I was making 175k a year and this standstill didn’t require me to pay any child support.

Anyway, my new husband has been livid about this. I haven't been paying a dime to my ex who is NOT happy...and my new husband STILL won’t let me pay for anything including my son’s tuition or tutoring etc without a major fight. Again, I got another job making about 175k a year and he makes 300k. Yes we have expenses that are nearly all we make (he has big house and sports cars etc). Virtually no money in the bank.

So that’s the back story. NOW - my new husband has been told that his contract won’t be renewed in the fall. And he is fearing he will be broke. I tried to get him to get a job near my son. Again 2 hours away. He has been reluctant. He says if we do that — he will have to rely only on my income at that time until he can build up his own practice.

I said sure, let’s downsize — that’s fine. I will support us. That seemed to be the path until 2 days ago he freaked out on me and told me that he has 2500 in child support himself and that with my child support etc — we will go bankrupt on just my salary.

I told him to go to the judge (if he isn’t making money) and tell the court that you need support lowered temporarily. He said no. He won’t do that. SO, I said — listen — I don’t know what you want from me. I make 175k. I can only do so much. I will support us and do whatever I can — but I can’t make miracles happen. He said “okay” let’s try to move and I will try to make money as fast as possible.

That was 2 days ago.

Well, yesterday I got a PLEASANT surprise (or so I thought). I found out from my divorce attorney that since a year had passed and my ex had not made any moves on the “bill of review” that the ORIGINAL DECREE will go back to being in place. So Again I will have full custody and right of jurisdiction for my SON!

She said that she felt my ex would fight for the bill of review AGAIN — but this time I should NOT grant it and I should use whatever money I can to fight him and get and KEEP full custody this time because I am no longer working those horrible hours that would make it hard for a judge to give me my son. I work from home mostly!

When I came out and told my new husband this — he felt that I was “up to something” He said that he thought this was very “suspicious” and had tried to say that he felt I was in there planning to file divorce from HIM! I told him it was ridiculous!

He said so if this is all true…what you are now telling me is that you need more money to fight?

I said yes, but I just go through my retirement first. I only have about 50k left, but I will do it. I told him the fight will be MUCH less expensive if we just live (as planning to move) in my son’s town instead of uprooting him 2-3 hours away from his dad. THAT scenario would be a awful fight.

He said well if you are going to fight at all…. and you are supporting me too because of my new business …this will be a disaster. He said I am not going to move then. You fight it out and I will get a JOB (not start a practice) in HIS town.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said….”WHY can’t we continue this plan of living near my son’s dad. It won’t be a costly fight and we were ALREADY planning to move there…”

He said no. Then he asked where I was planning to get the money -I said my retirement…I will do whatever I can.

He said I think your whole plan is to use the proceeds from my house sale (he owned it before we married)! He said you aren’t touching a dime of that…just FYI.

I said oh…so I can support you….help you start a practice and you won’t dig in anywhere to help with this? He said, well I am moving FOR You… so I don’t think I should be required to use any of my money from the house to help. You will “save us” …remember?

Then he started making fun of me and said that I have a chip on my shoulder about being able to support us …and I said nope…sorry, I don’t…I am being the BEST woman that you will ever find by OFFERING to support you in YOUR city or my SON’s…regardless. I have REQUESTED we move to be near my son…but if you won’t….fine. I will just pay for everything and support us until you get on your feet.

The fight was horrible…I actually told him to stop the car because he and I were screaming so much…I was about to nuts. I could not BELIEVE what I was hearing. He didn’t stop the car…but he continued to tell me that I was selfish, condescending and “up to no good” and then demanded that he talk with my attorney to verify the information I am telling him.

And there’s one more layer here…. my ex husband knows that my new husband is a bit crazy. He “accidentally” broke my finger during a fight by pulling on my bag. I was trying to leave and he grabbed the bag and was yanking it — and he was also yanking my hand. It not only broke my finger but twisted it and deformed it. I had to have 3 screws and a plate in my hand. He maintains it was an accident. He didn’t KNOW he had my finger….

Well the surgeon had to report it and there was a police investigation that my ex heard about. So, I know that he will use that against my husband — and so my husbands answer to that?

What’s the point of fighting for custody of your son — if you KNOW this is going to come up? We are going to lose….and I am going to be embarrassed publicly…and we are going to be further broke.

And he says that this is all proof that I’m secretly on my ex husband’s side.

I know i’ve rambled a lot here….but I need perspective. Is my husband making any sense here? I feel completely manipulated and gravely disappointed about all this….

The good news yesterday was transformed into “I didn’t expect another thing and another bill…out of this meeting…something is wrong here.."

TheJiminyConjecture Thu 03-Mar-16 14:55:16

Your ex husband isn't the bustard in this story

TheJiminyConjecture Thu 03-Mar-16 14:55:47

Bastard - obviously.

needadvice255 Thu 03-Mar-16 14:58:09

I know... I see that. Trust me...but what do I do?

I feel so twisted and turned upside down.

Common sense says to leave my new husband...but I love him...despite all this. But the drama is off the charts!

TheJiminyConjecture Thu 03-Mar-16 15:12:48

Dump the new husband. Move closer to your son. Work on co-parenting with your ex.

I know you say the drama is off the charts, it doesn't have to be. Get rid.

Yohoodlum Thu 03-Mar-16 15:33:49

You new DH doesn't sound very nice. It's a shame you raced into a new relationship so quickly.
I think the most important thing is to move closer to your ex and work on co parenting your DS.

Not sure why you thought it relevant to mention your salaries - it will make people think you are a troll.

BTW you didn't 'give' your ex 50/50 custody. confused it doesn't work like that.

needadvice255 Thu 03-Mar-16 15:41:01

Not a troll..only to put that in there to show that I am not someone who is leaching off of him...I make good money and I can support my son and I can TRY To support him...

Also, our child support levels are high because of the income we have made.

TheHobbitMum Thu 03-Mar-16 15:52:40

Wow, I feel for you. That's an awful situation live in sad If I were you I'd be leaving your husband, moving back to be near your son and rebuilding the relationship with him and your ex-husband. You don't have to live like this, good luck xx

AliceInUnderpants Thu 03-Mar-16 16:00:55

Please leave your son living with his dad. If you are serious about becoming his primary carer, you need to get rid of the husband first and re-establish your priorities. Clue: it's your son!

starry0ne Thu 03-Mar-16 16:03:30

Well to be honest you and DH don't come out well from this..

No mention at all of your DS wishes..

You see what DH is and you have to make the choice to leave or not..

I would not consider moving my DS into your relationship and assuming your DS is settled where he is why does your wants trump everyone else's...

Fishface77 Thu 03-Mar-16 16:08:28

Leave your son with his dad

AuntieStella Thu 03-Mar-16 16:08:49

I rarely post so stridently, but I can see no good points about your new husband whatsoever.

Financially, controlling, acting like a bully generally, and he 'accidentally' broke one of your bones.

Get out now.

Move right away. Restart your career. Rebuild your relationships with your DS's and his father.

Fishface77 Thu 03-Mar-16 16:09:15

And leave your "D" H

Canyouforgiveher Thu 03-Mar-16 16:12:29

have you made any decisions that prioritised the needs of your son?

How about doing that and seeing whether it works out any better for you.

Your current husband sounds seriously unbalanced.

Why should your son have to uproot to live with you and this nutjob?

I would seriously doubt your judgement too considering you gave up your job on a whim for this guy and expected to be able to move your child without as much as a thought to the consequences.

needadvice255 Thu 03-Mar-16 16:16:09

I knew it wouldn't go well and honestly that's why I didn't fight hard. I didn't want my son uprooted and that is why I am currently asking my new husband to still MOVE to my son's town. There won't be much of a fight and my son will get his dad 50 percent of the time too. He's actually a very good dad and I know that he is right about a lot of this.

BUT -- my new husband now doesn't want to move there? He says if I move there ...."ex husband wins..." "Fuc* me!" I said NO this about me and my son...not my ex!

He said it is about my ex and he WON the fight --- AND he will get child support.

Eggsandketchup Thu 03-Mar-16 16:17:31

Fucking hell. Do not bring your poor soon into the relationship you are in. Your current husband is an abusive, vile man. You need to pick, your husband, or your son.

Duckdeamon Thu 03-Mar-16 16:22:16

Wtf were you thinking with the new bf and husband?

Wake up and move back to where your son is living immediately, and concentrate on your relationship with him.

wannabestressfree Thu 03-Mar-16 16:23:36

They sound like rutting stags and you sound like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I would focus on your son, move to where you can Co parent and let him have a tantrum.

needadvice255 Thu 03-Mar-16 16:25:32

I havne't....that's the point. That's why I didn't fight very hard to take him with me....I knew he was better off with his dad. Now I do NOT believe that -- if I am alone. I am a very good mother -- but I have been very unstable because of the many fights I have had with my husband. I had to work yesterday and instead I didn't even go to half the meetings I needed to because we were screaming at each other all day....he was so mean -- and it got SO MUCH WORSE after I got out of the lawyers office. I thought this was GOOD NEWS. If I move back to my son's town....I get my son back 50 percent of time and possibly lower child support.

But no -- not good news...he saw all this as very bad because it will cost us money...and he is thinking that I am doing something "suspicious" or "setting something up behind his back" ...it's ridiculous.

AuntieStella Thu 03-Mar-16 16:33:42

It's not about a 'fight' with your XH.

It's about the interests of your DS, and how highly detrimental it would be for him to have any exposure whatsoever to a man who breaks his mother's fingers.

You don't have to accept his description of what is going on. Indeed, you would be highly unwise to. The key thing is that you get safely away from this man who has broken your bones, controlled you career, stymied your financial independence and is wrecking your DS's experience of mature child-focussed co-parenting.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 03-Mar-16 16:33:58

You left your financial security, your sons home to move him two hours away with a new man when you had just broken up from his father?

His father wanted to prevent you from leaving town with his son and you spent 20k trying to get your own way? Trying to remove your son from his school/friends and his primary carer?

Words fail me.

If you do anything at all, how about putting your son and his feelings first instead of worrying about your own and your husbands desires. He has kids?

So do they live near?

You earn a combined income of 460000 yet you are both skint!

Come of it love

coffeeisnectar Thu 03-Mar-16 16:34:06

Leave your dh. The relationship sounds hellish and he seems like a 5 year old trying to score points.

Move nearer your son and see more of him. Don't remove him from his dad's care, he's probably settled and happy. Don't uproot him and please don't drag him into a home if you still live with your dh.

What does your son want? Apart from not being in the middle of three warring adults?

hownottofuckup Thu 03-Mar-16 16:35:15

Leave DS with his dad. When you (hopefully) finally leave your abusive DH you can start trying to rebuild your relationship with DS then.

Whatever you do, do not bring DS in an abusive household.

lunar1 Thu 03-Mar-16 16:37:09

What ever you do, if you stay with this
Man leave your son with his dad for goodness sake. Your life and relationship doesn't sound like a good life for a child right now.

God on you ex for stopping you leaving with his child.

lunar1 Thu 03-Mar-16 16:37:23

Good not god!

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