50/50 shared care but for how long??

(4 Posts)
bella1968 Tue 23-Feb-16 10:47:20

I have a court order in place for this but still suffer under the moans and groans of my ex who I know is trying to do all he can to discredit me, I'm sure he has a little black book somewhere where he jots down what he thinks I do wrong starting with I won't get a car which means that I'm not looking after my children right, I don't ever do the right thing and my children are suffering. He's constantly twisting things to my ds who takes his side, my ds now wants to live with my ex permanently because he has more fun there! I asked him this morning what he can do there that he can't do at home and he said, here is boring I only have my xbox, the tv, my ipod, my laptop and that's all!! (wow doesn't he sound spoilt!!) at my dads I can go out meet my friends and have the freedom to do whatever and he takes me places in his car! So I said you come home from homework club at 5.30 you have to be in bed between 8-8.30 and you have to eat tea, all your friends around our home have the same things, homework, tea, getting ready for the next day so don't have any time and nor do you to go out wandering the streets meeting your friends and I know that you don't do this with your dad either (my dd tells me this) So I ask you, what on earth am I supposed to do, I don't think he has actually said anything that isn't just a normal 12 year old boy's moans and groans and the fact that now he has 2 homes makes him think that he has a choice as to which one he wants to live in.

Do I say, no you don't have a choice we are all court ordered, I know that if he lives with his dad permanently he won't be allowed to see me or not much anyway, I don't believe that not having me in his life would be good for him, every child needs a Mom don't they?

I feel like I'm being manipulated because I am worried that he will just up and leave and live with his dad and there's nothing that I can do about it, his dad is tarnishing his feelings towards me and he won't want to come back to me at all after living there full time, I will have lost him altogether. I want to do what is right for my children, I never thought I'd be in this mess and know that my ex will stop at nothing to get both children to live with him permanently. He tells my dd that he can't tell her what I've done and what I am doing to him until she is 16, this messes with her head because she thinks what if I did something bad and he's allowed her to live with me all this time knowing this but she says she doesn't think that I have done anything so is not worried about that more that he may have done something bad and she has to live with him until she knows what's happened. I on the other hand have told her exactly why we are split, he verbally, emotionally abused us and sexually harassed me to the point that I didn't want my children or me living that kind of life so I took him to court to get him from the house. It may well be damaging to have told her this but it's the honest to gods truth and I'd rather she know this rather than live in a life she doesn't know if it's real or not and then be told the truth at 16. She is 12 1/2 and although still a child, very grown up through all this, some of that is my fault I know because I'm the one that decided enough was enough and broke us up, I tried to make my marriage work for many years but I couldn't do this on my own.

Gosh I'm sorry this is so long, hopefully someone has managed to trawl through to the end and can offer me some advice. Should I hang on to my son, I don't want to keep feeling that I have to pander to his every needs or get into a competition to make my home better than my ex's just so my son stays with me at home but what can I do? this is not right.

LaurieLemons Tue 23-Feb-16 11:05:25

I'm sorry this has happened, when I was growing up I didn't know what to believe as my parents were always bitching about each other. Don't give up, he's only 12 and if he wants to spend more time with his dad for now then so be it but he is coming up to an age where he will be more aware of what's going on, just set him straight if he has questions and be honest. I think I was about 14 when I started to make my own mind up.

Justdisappointed Sun 28-Feb-16 15:36:27

I think you should remind yourself that you are the parent and you are doing what is best for him. At 12 your son doesn't have the emotional maturity to know what is in his best long term interest so you have to make those decisions for him.

valL123 Thu 03-Mar-16 11:59:22

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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