He blames himself for the separation - is this normal?

(15 Posts)
Worried1305 Mon 07-Dec-15 12:45:40

Been seeing my current partner for a couple of months now and he just (a week and a half ago) moved out of his wife's house into a new flat, leaving behind his 10 yo daughter. They had agreed months ago to separate (i.e. before we started seeing each other) but were getting everything sorted with lawyers etc and he had to sort out somewhere else to live.

They only told their daughter a few weeks back and she was naturally very upset.

We had already got quite serious about each other and he was talking about me moving into the flat in a few months time once the dust had settled.

However since he has moved out he is refusing to talk to me or see me. The one time I finally managed to get him to talk he says he misses his daughter, and he's angry with me as he feels like it is my fault (he also says it is his fault, apparently it is both our faults because we caused it?) He seems overwhelmed by guilt even though previously he had said many times how unhappy he had been and how he knew this was the right thing for everyone.

I realise now that we should never have got involved until everything was formalised, but I now care very deeply for him and I'm so worried.

Just wondering from others who have been through it, is this a normal reaction to a separation? How long is the guilt and him being angry with me/himself likely to last (forever)?

BYOSnowman Mon 07-Dec-15 12:56:01

Had they really agreed to separate or did his wife only find this out at the same time as the dd?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 07-Dec-15 12:58:22

I think you need to back waaaaaay off until he has his head straight
Sounds like he was maybe less separated than he said he was

shoeaddict83 Mon 07-Dec-15 13:00:28

Youve been seeing each other long enough to discuss moving in together but the DD was only told a few weeks ago? If he really had agreed to separate a while ago and was just waiting for it to be formalised surely he would have been sleeping in a spare room, not socialising, there would have been changes in the house that DD would have noticed at the age of 10?!!

I agree with BYO - sounds like perhaps the wife did not really know until teh DD either.

If they were separating was he regularly able to stay with you as surely he would rather be with you than his STBXW if they had agreed to separate? in which case how was his absence explained to a 10yo?

Worried1305 Mon 07-Dec-15 13:01:09

He says they had agreed to separation months ago (& I believe him) but not met his wife obvs!

Worried1305 Mon 07-Dec-15 13:06:07

Thanks for the replies. My housing situation is a bit complicated so it wouldn't have been possible for him to stay over with me. But he was sleeping in the spare room for several months & they were not socialising at all - e.g. they were both having DD one day at the weekends - so I agree that she must have noticed something.

MoriartyIsMyAngel Mon 07-Dec-15 13:12:12

They'd split, and he's blaming you for having to leave the family home? Fuck him. And I don't mean that literally.

You're looking at a lifetime of being blamed for whatever goes wrong in this passive-aggressive manchild's life, whenever it happens. Some people deal with their own issues, others look around for a convenient whipping boy. You know which kind he is.

shoeaddict83 Mon 07-Dec-15 13:21:28

He blames you for the split? Where you the OW in this split then? Surely he should shoulder some of the blame too?

Sorry but i just find it strange, he slept in the spare room for 2 months, they did not socialise and they shared 'custody' of their DD by spending separate days with her at weekends, and youre telling me a 10 yo did not question this? My SD is almost 11 and nothing gets past her so i just dont understand how she could not question this huge change in lifestyle until she was told a week and a half ago?

Sorry if i sound so sceptical but it just seems something does not add up - it sounds to me like he left with you, but is now either regretting his decision or is not ready to really come to terms with his marriage being over and is lashing out. He clearly needs to sort his head out before your relationship gets more serious.

BYOSnowman Mon 07-Dec-15 13:22:48

Regardless of the true situation (which I don't think you'll ever find out) it sounds like your relationship will always be linked to this in his mind

And what moriarty said

AuntieStella Mon 07-Dec-15 13:34:43

You've only got his word about what was going on with his marriage, and it's possible you don't have the full story. And it's pointless trying to find out more, really.

Because you've also got his actions to go on. He's severed contact.

If that isn't a damned clear message, I don't know what is.

And at least you've found out only a few weeks in to a brand new relationship.

Lweji Mon 07-Dec-15 13:40:50

I'd walk away not and see what happens, but don't get stuck waiting for him. Act as if it was a definitive split and continue to date and go on about your normal life.

Arfarfanarf Mon 07-Dec-15 13:59:40

if he's blaming you (wrongly btw!) then that means that in his mind, if he hadn't been with you, he would still be in the marital home.

So that does not tie with his claim that they had agreed to separate months ago, does it? That they had been sorting out lawyers, that it was known that he was sorting out somewhere to live.

It cannot be your fault he and his wife made a decision together before you were in any way involved with him. Can it? How can it be? The only way he could claim it was even partly your fault would be if he began a relationship with you prior to separating with his wife. The only way it could actually be partly at your door would be if you knew it at the time. Which you did not.

I also can't believe that they wouldn't have spent time preparing the child together. They know for months this is going to happen and they drop it on their child at the last minute? Either crap parents or a load of bollocks.

I suspect the guilt he feels is as a result of him being a big fat liar.

How do you know they were sleeping separately?

How do you know that they were splitting weekends?

Don't tell me "he said so". How else do you know. Remove what he said. What evidence independent of his claims do you have that anything he told you was true?

I think things are not quite as he presented them, tbh.

Lweji Mon 07-Dec-15 14:12:51

His wife probably found out something and kicked him out. That would be my conclusion from his behaviour.

wannaBe Mon 07-Dec-15 14:17:45

A slightly different perspective:

If you got together before he moved out of the family home, even if it was after they had agreed to separate, it's very likely that he actually started seeing you on the rebound, and that you felt like a safe haven to go to once he'd moved out of the family home. Except once he did move out he realised just what it was he was letting go, and that his feelings for you weren't as real as he'd thought, and as such has stepped back from your relationship.

I can tell you from experience that living in the family home even after a split brings all manner of feelings with it. When I split from xh I stayed in the house for almost nine months until finances/house etc were sorted, It would never have occurred to me to go out dating at that point, esp given me and xh were both still living under the same roof with ds, even though we had separate bedrooms, separation agreements and such in place. It was only really when i moved out that the reality of being single again hit home, iyswim.

I didn't owe that loyalty to xh at that point, nor he to me, but even living in separate spaces you are still under the same roof, sharing parenting of children etc.

It really does sound as if his talking of you moving in together even before he'd moved out was him creating a new safe place to be iyswim.

I would step way back, and just let it go.

Mamapotter2008 Tue 29-Dec-15 15:58:59

I met my husband's other woman before I knew who she was (or that she even existed). She seemed very sad and surprised to see me as his plus one at a social event. Funny thing is I actually like her and I don't think she'd have knowingly gone for a married man.

I think this is sadly what men do - string the wife and the ow along, pretend all is well at home and tell his girlfriend the wife already knows so she doesn't feel bad. From what I hear, the ow has backed off - I don't blame her.

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