Potential separation

(7 Posts)
J1234567 Tue 24-Nov-15 22:36:29

Hi I'm hoping someone will be able to shed some light on my particular concerns. Me and and my partner have not been civil in a fair while and I've finally lost hope that the our relationship is to continue. The only reason I have put up with the constant control, insults and paranoia is that I know that if we were to break up she would immediately attempt to prevent me and my family seeing my daughter as she has threatened this on many occasions. I do not go out at all except to go to work and the moment I walk through the door I am to 'watch my daughter' as if I never spend time with her when only time we are apart is due to working a standard 8-4 days. I am always made to feel that I am somehow treating them badly. I love my daughter more than anything but my partner always scrutinized when I am spending time with her and prevented for doing things such as feeding her at certain times but when we argue she'll used the fact I don't really feed her (although I always offer to) and it is like a constant trap with I'm set up for which I have pointed out but ignored. I want to have some form of custody but I know this will very difficult with partner. If anyone can help me understand how I can go about this as I believe we are both great parents but things are too hostile between us as a couple.

redteddy Thu 26-Nov-15 11:20:24

Start a diary right now. Write down your every day involvement with your daughter. Did you dress her, play with her, teach her something, take her for a walk, what food you cooked/fed her.
If you're expecting a custody fight, it sounds like this woman will make it look like you were never a parent so it's important you have proof saying otherwise.
Needless to say, don't let your wife find this diary.

If at all possible, try and take your daughter out once a week with just yourself. Not only will it remove you both from this hostile environment, but you will build a separate father-daughter relationship which will be vital for the future.

MotiSen Thu 26-Nov-15 12:39:13

Yes. Difficult situation. Looks like you got yourself involved with a sociopath or at least borderline. They look to place blame on others, always outside themselves, never themselves. Hence, you'll always be the bad guy. Whew. I hate to say it, but if she really is, you're in for it. Speaking to a psychologist once, he told me sociopaths are near impossible to fix, because they can't see anything is wrong in themselves.

Sorry you got into that. Best of luck going forward.
Don't waste a lot of time expecting her to be reasonable.

J1234567 Thu 26-Nov-15 13:24:35

Redteddy- Unfortunately at present I am away alot this past week or so doing a lot of work on a new house for us which she has had no part as she will not speak to anyone over the phone and I am always the 3rd Party so I know that this small absence will come up. I am however the only one who has actively spoke the nurses (LO has a chronic disease) and I have actually weighed up the pro and cons of all the treatment options available to manage the condition which she will not discuss. Also when we ended up in hospital regarding the condition I was there 24/7 and again worked as a 3rd party speaking to the nurses and relaying it back to her. This usually irritates her as she does not have the patience to listen and then blames me for not understanding what is going on. Also however may work my advantage as they're will be extensive phone and hospital records of them exclusively speaking to me.

Motisen- You have described her well. When our LO was diagnosed she was constantly badgering if anyone in my family had the condition (Which they do not and neither do I) and ignored that she has a family member with condition. I am waiting til after Xmas before I consider any action so best get this diary started. That is also easier said than done as she is close at most times.

winchester1 Thu 26-Nov-15 13:29:14

Could you email to your work address and compile it at work?

MotiSen Thu 26-Nov-15 14:09:26

I responded because I have a friend in the same situation. And, it has been pretty painful to watch her erode his life. In fact, I stopped asking about it, because I don't want it to affect me.

I've often thought to myself ... Is he handling this, i.e. her, in the best way possible, psychologically speaking?

So, your post moved me to Google, "What is the most successful way to deal with sociopaths?" And, now I wish i would have done it 5 years ago.

Yes, she has been making his life hell for 5 years.

www.sociopathworld.com/2013/02/donts-list-for-dealing-with-sociopaths.html

Might help. Again, I wish you the best of luck.
Try to focus on the positive things in your life whenever possible, so you don't end up depressed.

redteddy Fri 27-Nov-15 18:25:18

Sadly, speaking from experience with a female narcissist:
Everything he did was wrong because it was not 'her way'.
She truly saw the child as her's only (despite being educated enough to know how biology worked).
She believed that if he separated from her, he separated from the child too.
But, ALL of the child's 'shortcomings' were his fault.
She behaved like a chameleon - 'normal' in front of people she needed to impress and psychotic in private with her husband.

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