cant afford to separate

(14 Posts)
heregoesnowt Sun 22-Nov-15 19:10:16

I am just starting to look into trying to find a way to separate. But in all truth I am not sure I can actually afford to.
The problem is we have a lot of joint debt, this is slowly being paid off but takes up a big chunk of our take home pay.
We have no equity in the house. It is unlikely that I could find anywhere cheaper to buy and would not get a mortgage now as credit rating totally screwed, and even renting would likely not leave me much better off. (although obviously I would also prefer for dc to be able to stay in the family home) Because my salary is very decent I would not be entitled to any benefits, but again the problem is so much of it is taken up with debt repayments (and yes I realise this is totally my fault and trying to shirk responsibility for this)
If I was to take on all current payments(direct debits, debt repayments, bills etc) and mortgage etc individually it would basically take pretty much all my salary leaving nothing for food etc.
but if dh was to contribute enough needed for us to carry on living in home I am not sure he would have enough to live reasonably on himself. Another problem is it is going to hard for him to find somewhere to rent that would allow for him to have all dc to stay, and I would want that and so would he.
Oh god, it is all such a mess. I am trapped in this relaitonship forever do you think?

heregoesnowt Sun 22-Nov-15 19:15:25

NOT trying to shirk responsibility for this!

Newbrummie Sun 22-Nov-15 22:38:42

Ok I was in your shoes three years ago and didn't start divorce proceedings and I'm here to tell you this will not get better it will get worse.
Don't worry about the house, you'll keep that providing you can pay the mortgage, other debts will have to accept smaller payments, freeze interest all that sort of thing. If I'd bitten the bullet three years ago at least I'd be on the road to recovery now instead of the back foot having put myself through three years of shit.

Newbrummie Sun 22-Nov-15 22:39:49

Oh and my ex still doesn't have anywhere he can have the kids over night, probably never will so that's just how it is

shoeaddict83 Mon 23-Nov-15 08:53:25

Have you thought of looking into debt management? if your credit rating is shot anyway it wont matter, IVA's take your debts and consolidate them into affordable repayments and after 5 years you can rebuild your credit. Its much better then ending up in the bankruptcy route and they do it on affordability so you only pay what you can reasonably afford. Just an idea, if you get this in place, or even ring and speak to an advisor (its free) you may see a bit more light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel for you, when i split with my ex years ago the house was in neg equity so i ended up having to sign it over to him so he took on the debt (still in negative equity 8 years later!) and i moved into my parents until i could find somewhere to rent, however i had no children to think about so was much easier for me, i understand you have a totally different situation. but a debt management plan may be something to think about?

Runwayqueen Mon 23-Nov-15 08:58:12

This was me 4 years ago. I still left, it was hard but sorting out a debt management plan was by far the best thing I did.

heregoesnowt Mon 23-Nov-15 10:48:57

Thanks all. We are already on a debt management plan, and payments are ,an age able on that. The trouble is I just don't wee how we could afford to have 2 houses, even if dh rents cheapest possible option nearby. I have been looking and even if we sold house, finding somewhere to rent even basic would cost me almost as much as current mortgage payments. I could afford to pay current mortgage, bills, direct debits and maybe half of current debt rpayment each month but that would literally take all my salary. I would the be reliant on dh giving me enough for everything else ie food, clothes etc for dc. Dh would then also need money for rent, bills,food,living expenses etc and I just don't think his salary would cover that.
I think I am basically trapped. Has anyone ever sort of emotionally separated but continued living under the same roof. Think that may be my only option for next 10 years or so.

heregoesnowt Mon 23-Nov-15 10:52:23

Been on debt management plan for around 10 years. Credit rating still totally screwed and no prospect of it getting any better any time soon. Not that I ever want any more credit.ever. I feel I have so totally messed up my life on so many levels. And the worst bit about it is all the stress is just making me a grumpier and grumpier mummy which hurts me more than anything. I think I am just going to have to emotionally totally cut off from dh and try and work on my own happiness and self esteem.

purpledasies Mon 23-Nov-15 11:11:50

Is getting a lodger in your current home an option? I put my DS up in the loft for a couple of years and that freed up space to rent a room out which helped a lot financially.

My ex has never really had proper space for the DC at his - but still has them regularly - they share a room, and used to share with him when they were younger, when he was in a shared house. It's manageable - most of their stuff is at mine. A bedroom in each house would be lovely, but isn't practical. Personally I'd rank getting your own space from someone you're fighting with and making each other miserable as more important than DC having a bedroom in each house.

It's worth checking out what your DH would have to pay you in terms of child support, and working back from that to work out how much of the debt you could then afford to take on each. Taking on all the debt on condition that DH pays you three quarters of his salary would be risky.

Also worth checking whether either you or your ex would be entitled to any tax credits or housing benefit if you separated. You should at the least both be able to get 25% off your council tax for being single adult occupants.

heregoesnowt Mon 23-Nov-15 16:03:52

thanks purple we wouldn't have any room for a lodger.dc already share rooms.
due to the ammount we both earn on paper we wouldnt be eligible for any benefits/tax credits. I would split the debt repayments 50/50 with dh - that would be only fair way. we were both equally responsible for accruing them.
what a bloody mess!

Alfiemoon1 Mon 23-Nov-15 21:07:51

Iam in the same boat although I only work part time so would be able to get tax credits but I heard they are stopping these. Op is it a mutual decision with your husband that u both want a divorce ? When I mention it to mine he just laughs and say ok u know where the door is so I have a feeling it would be an expensive divorce As he would be difficult

Newbrummie Tue 24-Nov-15 12:15:02

Tbh how he rents a room isn't your problem. I stayed with a man for 10 years because I could see how he would manage and guess what he hadn't managed but it's not my issue.
You just have to worry about you, assume you won't get any Maintence out of him but look at your situation, do you qualify for tax credits etc on your own ? The debtors will have to take less money, they have no choice

Newbrummie Tue 24-Nov-15 12:16:17

Couldn't see

SoupDragon Tue 24-Nov-15 12:18:25

I think some people rent a small flat and then whoever is having the children stays in the family home whilst it's "their turn" with the other parent staying in the flat.

I would have found this intolerable but is it an option for you?

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