Child contact and LIES.., advice really needed please

[Homely1]

I have posted before and I have had great advice, support and a lot of love. Ex is pursuing the legal route for contact. DC is a toddler. He's been absent and not bothered. I have received correspondence with pure lies ... Not slight deviations of the truth. LIES on paper. He is a manipulator but how low can a person stoop. He has accused me of things that have NOT happened. It is his word against mine. He is a master manipulator and I worry that people believe him. What do I do?

[TooSassy]

Hey Hun.

Ok. Without disclosing too much info, do the lies have any foundation? Don't think emotionally or defensively but rationally. Does he have any evidence/ background that a lawyer could spin to underpin any of these?

What advice has your lawyer given you?

[Suziki]

Sounds like emotional and psychological abuse to me. Does not reflect at all well on him as a 'parent' to be treating you as the Mother like this. What is coming through is that he is keener to upset you with his lies than wanting to be with your child.

Keep cool and objective and look after yourself. Best not to respond as will get you embroiled in a to and fro. He wants to occupy your mind now that he cannot occupy your life and your mind.

Do have a look at the Women's Aid website and Rights of Women are very busy but give excellent and FREE legal advice to women on a range of issues.

Wish you peace and strength

[Homely1]

Thank you.

[throwingpebbles]

In the same place. I was shocked at how fictional ex s statement is!!! Clearly he had a very good imagination in there. I am a terrible liar and wouldn't want to anyway so have stuck to the truth. Just praying now that the judge sees through his rubbish. In a orevious hearing it did work and my barrister had him tied in knots as his lies just didn't make any sense and the judge gave him a proper telling off xxx

[Homely1]

Hope it all goes well throwingpebbles. Are there children involved in your situation? X

[goddessofsmallthings]

Are you still in the mediation process?

[TooSassy]

Homely. How are you getting on?

[throwingpebbles]

Yes homely
His family have form for this, his cousins didn't see their mum growing up and now I really doubt their justifications

[Homely1]

Goodness.... I was always taught that liars get caught out but some people are just masters ...how old are your DC? X

[throwingpebbles]

5 and 2
I left him because he was emotionally abusive, but this just feels like a new form of abuse
He is lying to get out of paying maintenance too

[Homely1]

Goodness... Same! How much contact does he have?

[throwingpebbles]

One night in the week and one night every other weekend
But he constantly changes his mind about things as well. And also any toys etc they take with them never come back but he berates me in front of the kids if I refuse to send stuff

[Homely1]

... Emotionally abusive. How do kids manage?

[throwingpebbles]

Little one fairly oblivious still but the 5 year old looks v distressed by it. We have such a close trusting bond and it must be so confusing for him.

Thing is, it's his word against mine in court

How about yours?

[Homely1]

DC 3... I have the same issue. He word against mine. I'm a terrible liar. He is emotionally abusive, manipulative and can thus be charismatic

[throwingpebbles]

Yes I am a terrible liar too! I can't even bring myself to exaggerate never mind lie.
I am just hoping he will be exposed in court but it is very hard to have faith in that. I just feel exhausted by it all, I thought I had escaped the abusive relationship but it feels like I am still stuck in it in many ways

[Homely1]

That's he nature of emotional abusers I'm learning

[throwingpebbles]

Yep. It's a hard thing to accept, that he will probably never change
I just don't know why the courts seem unable to recognise this pattern. I have a new partner and watching him how he treats his ex, the contrast is so clear. He sees his kids less than my ex, yet he wouldn't dream of making up a string of lies and going to court all the time
I am getting medical reports which will refute his latest lies but it is all so draining. I feel like we are unevenly armed, as I am trying to fight lies with the truth.

[Homely1]

Yes it's so unfair.... They lie do well that they get believed...

[wallywobbles]

You need to take a step back. Emotionally this is terrifying because you are fighting for the well being of your children. Against someone who you know to cause harm. For me this was the definition of stress.

However, this is just a battle, it is not the war. And even after court, things will evolve. I'm not in the UK, but France, so different thing but same abuse.

Keep doing the best you can for the children. Keep a diary of everything, calls, visits etc. In fact just plain old keep a diary; children's behaviour pre and post visits, anything and everything that might be pertinent. Type it out in a nice clear time line for the lawyer and courts.

Here we have witness statements - I'm not sure if you have that in the UK. People that know you and the kids say how you/he are as parents/people. Doctor, psychiatrist, the cleaner, my 3 closest friends, grandparents (both his and mine), your siblings, school, child minder.

Generally just work on the information you can get and give to the courts and dont worry about the rest. Much easier said than done.

[tiredmum46]

Hiya Homely,

I hate to say this but you're in for a tough time. My ex-husband is a manipulator and they're a nightmare to deal with. Stay strong though you'll get through this :).

What lies is he saying? Depending on what it is it might count against him in court because it says something about his character.

How long's he been absent for? If he's been gone a long time it might not be good for him to suddenly be with your DC lots, especially if DC is still just a toddler.

When you say legal route is he taking you to court? He should be trying mediation first so he might not be able to take you to court even if he wants to.

Don't worry about people believing him, the courts have heard all these nasty lies before and know they're not to be listened to. Stay strong :).

[Homely1]

Thank you so much. With regards to witness statements, is that about me as a parent or about him being rubbish?

How do you actually be strong? How do you manage? How do you actually stop feeling scared?

[wallywobbles]

Witnesses can choose to just say that you are good or they can say he is a total wanker. Remember I'm in France though so you need legal advice for the uk.

[Homely1]

Yes of course, thank you!