Shared care: 7 days with me 7 days with stbxh

[bella1968]

I wondered if there are any other ladies out there who are in the same position? My stbxh has finally found a house to rent and the children started living with him Friday 11th September. He's been an absolute pig, they went to his with only the clothes on their back which was their school uniform and the books in their school bags! he refused to collect their suitcase that I'd told him to pack or anything so I was worried sick all weekend ended up feeling quite sick, anxious and pannicky all Monday!

I ended up taking their books to them at school in the end as I didn't want them to have detentions, they are in secondary school year 8.

I feel alot better having spoken to them and seeing my daughter but apparently he's told them not to see or speak to me whilst it is 'his' week with them, now my son's school just called to let me know that they had met with him at school and my stbxh said that it wasn't a problem if the children wanted to speak to me whilst they are with him, what an absolute liar!!!! He's also provided them with a blow up bed but told me that they are sleeping on the floor!

Does anyone else have to cope with xh's like this and how do you manage being away from your children for 7 days and coming round to the idea of it not being unnatural for your children not to be with you. I think it's just wrong, I guess I'm old fashioned but nothing could have prepared me for this and I always thought from the moment of conception to when they left home that they would be with me every day (except hols of course). It's such a wrong decision that the judge made, I shall never forgive him for it. I don't care what people say I'm afraid I'm on the side of children should ALWAYS always be with the Mom.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

However, much you dislike the decision it has been made and my feeling would be that for the sake of your children you have to make the best of it.??If they are year 8 do they have their own mobile phones in which case they can give you a call if they want to. I previously had shared care with my Ex and even when my DD was in year 3 I was delighted if she phoned me, but never expected it. It can be very hard for children to be caught between two parents and I believe as a parent we have to try and reduce that effect.??He is clearly trying to push your buttons saying the children will sleep on the floor etc. I would step back from engaging in that.??Make sure when they go off school on the Friday they have all the books for the week as he requires no clothes that's fine no need to pack cases.??Initially I found that making myself very busy was the best thing to do whilst DD was away, now it is much easier.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

However, much you dislike the decision it has been made and my feeling would be that for the sake of your children you have to make the best of it.??If they are year 8 do they have their own mobile phones in which case they can give you a call if they want to. I previously had shared care with my Ex and even when my DD was in year 3 I was delighted if she phoned me, but never expected it. It can be very hard for children to be caught between two parents and I believe as a parent we have to try and reduce that effect.??He is clearly trying to push your buttons saying the children will sleep on the floor etc. I would step back from engaging in that.??Make sure when they go off school on the Friday they have all the books for the week as he requires no clothes that's fine no need to pack cases.??Initially I found that making myself very busy was the best thing to do whilst DD was away, now it is much easier.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

However, much you dislike the decision it has been made and my feeling would be that for the sake of your children you have to make the best of it.??If they are year 8 do they have their own mobile phones in which case they can give you a call if they want to. I previously had shared care with my Ex and even when my DD was in year 3 I was delighted if she phoned me, but never expected it. It can be very hard for children to be caught between two parents and I believe as a parent we have to try and reduce that effect.??He is clearly trying to push your buttons saying the children will sleep on the floor etc. I would step back from engaging in that.??Make sure when they go off school on the Friday they have all the books for the week as he requires no clothes that's fine no need to pack cases.??Initially I found that making myself very busy was the best thing to do whilst DD was away, now it is much easier.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

However, much you dislike the decision it has been made and my feeling would be that for the sake of your children you have to make the best of it.??If they are year 8 do they have their own mobile phones in which case they can give you a call if they want to. I previously had shared care with my Ex and even when my DD was in year 3 I was delighted if she phoned me, but never expected it. It can be very hard for children to be caught between two parents and I believe as a parent we have to try and reduce that effect.??He is clearly trying to push your buttons saying the children will sleep on the floor etc. I would step back from engaging in that.??Make sure when they go off school on the Friday they have all the books for the week as he requires no clothes that's fine no need to pack cases.??Initially I found that making myself very busy was the best thing to do whilst DD was away, now it is much easier.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

However, much you dislike the decision it has been made and my feeling would be that for the sake of your children you have to make the best of it.??If they are year 8 do they have their own mobile phones in which case they can give you a call if they want to. I previously had shared care with my Ex and even when my DD was in year 3 I was delighted if she phoned me, but never expected it. It can be very hard for children to be caught between two parents and I believe as a parent we have to try and reduce that effect.??He is clearly trying to push your buttons saying the children will sleep on the floor etc. I would step back from engaging in that.??Make sure when they go off school on the Friday they have all the books for the week as he requires no clothes that's fine no need to pack cases.??Initially I found that making myself very busy was the best thing to do whilst DD was away, now it is much easier.

[kittybiscuits]

Your ex sounds like a bastard. It must be horrendous. Maybe in time you will get used to it. But more probably he will screw it all up with abusive behaviour and maybe school will involve social care. I'm very sorry you're in this position

[Homely1]

I'm with you Bella... How was this decision made. Did he ask for this? Does he live near you?

[bella1968]

HI, sorry I've only just read your messages. All literature says that the share care decision of 7 days each is a rare and unusual one, however my son said that he would like this kind of arrangement to CAFCASS and to me and her Dad she'd said termly so they got what they wanted really. The judge knew that my stbxh wouldn't encourage the children or even allow them to see me if he gave him full residence and knew that he wouldn't leave us alone if I had it so I think he did the best he could. Having said this, neither children had lived with their dad for a long time and after being at his for 3 of the weeks now, every week so far my daughter has said she hates him and doesn't want to go back and every week I have to encourage her! She's more scared of not going than going so she just puts up with him shouting and swearing at her. He's told them they are banned from seeing or speaking to me whilst they are with him and they are not allowed in his home when they are with me.

We had the final hearing (which was adjourned because he couldn't get his paperwork in order and was trying to evade full disclosure) Friday, I am in a good position whereas he's been left with over £70,000 debts to pay off because of his stupidity of paying for stupid things, his credit card has been suspended, £8,000 on it, current account over £2,500 overdraft, £26,000 solicitors fees and £6,000 more to mine! and that's apart from £22,700 soft loans to his mom and dad! I can't wait till the house is sold and then I can write to the credit agencies for financial disassociation!!

As far as the children are concerned, a social worker has visited us both now and spoken to the children at both addresses, my daughter told her that her dad shouts and swears at her and she doesn't want to live with him so we'll just have to wait and see what the outcome of her report is, however I fear that we will have a social worker for a long time if stbxh doesn't settle down! Along with that he's had a girlfriend for at least a year now although didn't say anything until the end of August this year and Friday night she and her son slept over at his place, the son slept in my daughter's single room rather than my son's double room, all seems very strange to me. I can't help but think it's a rebound thing but it doesn't seem to have stopped him from being abusive to either Me, my daughter or my solicitor!??

[PotteringAlong]

Why should children always be with the mother? That's just nonsense.

[bella1968]

I don't think they are always with their mother now potteringalong

Did you have a point that you wanted to say?

[iamanintrovert]

I agree with you, I believe that children belong with their mother most of the time unless they really don't want to be, or if it's obviously unhealthy for them to be. But from what you've written I think your ex will screw it up for himself before long and the children will want to be with you anyway. In the meantime try and give them strategies to cope with the difficulties at their dad's house and to maintain their safety.

[nooka]

I think in general shared care is the best solution, but there are likely many arrangements that work for different families. However I think shared care only really works when both parents want them to work and make significant sacrifices to make them work too.

When dh and I separated we had our children for half the week each, and we always phoned them at bedtime. A week is a very long time for both the parent without the children and the children without the parent. Of course that assumes that both parents are looking out for the interests of their children and are able to be at least civil with each other.

With older children I can see why their choices need to be taken into account, but it's a very large responsibility to put on them, especially if they are effectively in the middle of a war as these poor children appear to be.

[throwingpebbles]

So sorry to hear this.
I think this whole move towards shared care, and assumption of equality towards parents is just a disaster really. It can't be nice for children to shuttle between houses the whole time

[inchoccyheaven]

My ds1 does a 4 on 4 off pattern with ex and I as that is what my ex changed his work pattern to and ds1 wanted to split his time between us fairly. Ds2 also used to do the same pattern but after not coping with ex behaviour decided to stop staying over night with him and then stopped visiting altogether. He is 13, so i would have thought if you daughter is year 8 that she is old enough to decide if she wants to go to her dad.