Am I in the wrong?(7 Posts)
I'm looking for some opinions advice. I've been with my husband for 12 years married for nearly 10. We have three daughters and run our own business. The problem is we do not get on at all....we seem to disagree on everything...the only way we seem to get on is if I just sit quietly and agree to everything. (Of course he would disagree to this). When we do occasionally get on things are great but it just doesn't last...
The latest argument is over him being into boxing and coming home with a black eye, I think this is completely unacceptable for both family life and running a business. He says he does everything for us and he should be able to go and do what he wants in the evening. He goes either boxing or swimming every week night Til about 10pm. Every night I have to run the phone side of the business...look after the children taking them to clubs etc which often are on til 8.30/9 and that means keeping the baby up as he is doing his down time. I can't bare to look at him I think he looks like a thug and is a poor role model. He used to box before we met but had stopped...he's literally got back into it in last few months....this is the third black eye he's come back with. He's told me I'm pathetic and stupid for feeing the way I do...
I literally have no time to do anything for myself as all my time is spent on the children and doing the paper work.
I could go on for hours with all the problems between us and this really is just one of them...
I'm literally at my wits end of going round in circles with pretty much the same arguments every week just over different things! Maybe I'm being completely unreasonable?! I will say it is always me that starts the arguments because he has done somthing to upset me and i just try to keep myself to mysef...but he always pushes to get me to say what's wrong to which I always say there is no point in saying as you will disagree with me....then it starts...the whole time I'm calm but he swears at me gets angrier throws things and does a lot of imitating me and calling me names. I walk away and he says typical you...you start an argument and the. Walk away! I didn't want to argue in the first place!
Sorry this is so long...and probably doesn't make much sense!
People will probably disagree but on the black eye front I think you are being unreasonable
He shouldn't be leaving everything to you in the evenings though
The only thing I think YABU about is the black eye, which is perhaps born out if the unfairness and disappointment at the rest of the situation?
It depends what parts you want to change really - I think once you are trapped in the cycle of starting and repeating patterns in arguments its awfully difficult to see a way out - add that to living and working together I would imagine its hellish. I suspect his escapism is the boxing and swimming but what's yours? It all sounds horrendously claustrophobic. In my experience the best way to reflect on relationships is to be able to get a bit of distance from the problems and see it with less emotion - hard to do and with your arrangements probably very difficult. Have you a plan of action?
The black eye thing YABU. Him being out pleasing himself every evening is him BU and extremely selfish. Him calling you names is also U and makes him sound like a bully.
As for the rest, you sound very unhappy. Do you think you think you'd be happier if you separated?
I can see why people would think I'm being unreasonable about the black eye but I really just find it so thuggish and I think when you run your own business and are going to customers houses it looks so unprofessional.... Would you be comfortable with a plumber turning up with a black eye?
The annoying thing is when he doesn't have one he completely agreed with me but his want for boxing is more so he doesn't care.
As for me time there is none....and to be honest that's fine we decided to run our own business and have children and that's fine ....I think we have just grown apart he is so obsessed with his down time he doesn't like to talk when he gets home I can only talk and ask questions about the business at certain times....i guess I just feel very lonely...in an ideal world if we didn't have financial commitments and children I would walk away but it's not that straight forward!
Is it just the mundane life of being married and having a family or do people after all those years still have fun and enjoy their relationships?
Well I'm with you on the black eye thing and I wouldn't like it very much.
And definitely YANBU on the rest of it.
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