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Divorce/separation

Very sad

5 replies

Indianlady · 23/05/2015 00:49

Hello, im new to this site and hope someone is online to hear me. I have been married for nearly 17years and and have a 10yr old daughter who will be 11 soon. i left home to marry my husband and coming from an indian background my parents were not happy and cut me off from them. My mum came around 5yrs later but my dad never did and he has not seen or spoken to me since.
I thought i would have a happy life but instead it has been up and down and mostly full of fights, me crying and feeling unhappy. We fight about everything and anything, mostly about how unfriendly his family were to me when we married and him blaming me for everything. When my daughter was born i told him we should never argue in front of her and he was the first to break this. Things have been really bad the last 5 yrs and im at a loss at what i should do. We came back off holiday and as soon as we got home we started bickering which lead to a full blown shouting match, he then didnt talk to me for 2 months, we started talking again before my daughters birthdat and then a month later argued and didnt talk for almost 5 months, in that time he decided to enrol in a 3yr degree withiut discussing with me, this meant his evening and saturday were booked with studying and lectures, when we started talking i told him how shocked i was he would just do this. On and off we have argued and the last 3 years it has affected my dd, she tells me she is sad and does not like us not talking i have promisded her i will hever fight with him again in front of her but i can see she is still unhappy. We have not been talking now for 2 months. Today ge phoned me and we argued and he blames me for everything. Everything is my fault and nothing is his. I want to leave him but i suffer with anxiety and dont think i can luve on my own. I hate him. I dont love him but i dont know what to do.

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Lweji · 23/05/2015 08:57

The not talking between you too is probably more damaging to your daughter than any fights (unless they are violent).

What are you specifically afraid of if you leave?

It is often recommended that you make a plan to leave. Make sure you have money put away, if you haven't already, find a place to stay (if you leave), check out what benefits you may be entitled to get, what child maintenance, any possible spousal maintenance, what the financial split may be (the minimum).

Woman's Aid may be able to help you or guide you in the right direction. But also contact CAB, check online calculators.

If you aren't yet, you could get some help for your anxiety, although, I'd suspect that it is made worse by being in this relationship.
At some point it doesn't matter who is to blame, what is important is that it's not working.

If you are not yet prepared to walk out, you could try couple's counselling. Would he be prepared to go if you book it? If not, then that is probably your answer in terms of being able to go on.

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Indianlady · 23/05/2015 13:22

Thank you for replying to me. My anxiety is what stops me from leaving, i panic when i am alone and feel safe at home. The fighting is not physical just shouting. I have always been one to talk things through but he cant sit and talk but just shout and blame everything on me. Today he has planned to take my daughter out for dinner with his family to celebrate her birthday. I am not invited. It breaks my heart because my daughter does not want to go without me but she wont tell him because she thinks he will start arguing again.
He wont go to any councelling sessions so we are stuck in a rut where we share a house and child but nothing else. I hate my life and hate seeing my daughters face when she sees me crying. He says he is unhappy but wont do anything to change this, he just thinks i am to blame and he has done no wrong.

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Lweji · 23/05/2015 14:25

It sounds like he is actually happy making you unhappy.

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FlabulousChix · 23/05/2015 17:14

Surely living alone is better than what you have now. How can you allow this to affect your daughter so much. Are you aware that what you both are doing are going to cause her problems as an adult emotionally and that what she sees is how she will view relationships. You have to end this not for you for your child she should be your priority stop being so selfish both of you