My husband left me and my 12 week old son 7 months ago!

[fost1983]

Hi there lovely ladies!

I'm hoping someone out there can offer me some sound advice. I have the best family and support network round me but none who have been through what I'm going through so its hard for them to empathise! apologies in advance if this appears lengthy!

Some background! I have been with my husband for 13.5 years married for 3.5 years he was 16 and I was 17 when we got together! I'm 31 now and he is 30 this month. We have always had a happy marry some might say perfect and people often described us as Barbie and Ken as there was never any arguments or issues or anything between us. We decided to have a family as that is what we always wanted and felt it was the right time. Unfortunately I suffered a miscarriage which was heartbreaking and lost my job of 6 years at the same time which was tough on us but we knuckled down and got on with things! 3 months later we got pregnant again and it was wonderful at first but now when I look back I should have seen some of the warning signals as he didn't seem that interested towards the end even missing or not prioritising important growth scan appointments! To cut a long story short once the baby arrived after being very supportive in the delivery room he was a great dad for the first 8 weeks then I noticed a change in him when I confronted him he said we didn't seem as close anymore and that was his fault but agreed to work on our marriage! For the next 4 weeks I did just that but he closed up and became even more distant from me (he isn't the most emotional person anyway).

He decided to leave when my baby was just 12 weeks old still claiming our little boy was his priority. He swears there was no one else involved and nothing has materialised as of yet and gave the following reasons:

He didn't love me anymore
It was a change in him that he couldn't explain
He thought having a baby would make it better
He was being selfish for once in his life
He was miserable and didn't see a point in trying as didn't see a future with me anymore

This had come as a complete shock to me and all my friends and family as no one could have guessed it was coming.

Since he left he comes to pick up our son weekly and I still allow access to him on certain days he is paying child support but claimed he just wanted to be single and not be in a relationship. Since we split I found out he had been seeing a girl a couple of months after we split for 3 months who he called irrelevant and that ended and now he is seeing a new girl who he has been seeing for 8 weeks but he won't tell me anymore as he doesn't want me to sabotage it, he must be serious about her either that or he is filling his spare time as he is back living at his mum and step dad's full time in a single bed.

He has just decided to get rid of the family car we bought together to but an Audi A3 but reckon he is to young to be having a mid life crisis although he is showing all the signs! He is so cold towards me one minute then messing with my head the next texting messages asking how "our" little baby boy is doing and asking to come round more to see him, clearly using me to get more access now my little boy is getting more of a personality!

He still maintains all the above feelings and expects me to have moved on from this but I can't, please help, does anyone has any helpful advice to give me as I'm falling apart here at the seams and I didn't sign up to be a part time mum and have some strange women in the future play happy families with my son.

Me and his mum were close at first but now realise she has been manipulating me so she can see her grandson and telling me the things she thought I wanted to hear so I would hang around in wait of him coming to his senses. She has also been playing the victim despite my life being in tatters where I feel like I has had to console her on lots of occasions.

Any help will be much appreciated.

P.s I started no contact with him 4 days ago in order to move on with my life and am starting to feel much better although the thought of him with this other girl knocks me sick, I have tries acting myself I'm just not ready

[tribpot]

I think you need to make a very clear distinction between your relationship with him as co-parent of your son, and your relationship with him as your ex-husband. What on earth is wrong with him wanting to spend more time with his child? Or for his mum to want the same?

How are you facilitating contact between dad and baby if you've gone no contact? I assume what you mean is that you want no communication which is not related to contact arrangements - this is very sensible.

If you bought the car together, how come it is his decision to get rid of it? If he owes you money from the sale, make sure you get it back. Are there any other joint assets which he could dispose of without your permission?

I understand it must be hurtful and bewildering that someone you knew so well and trusted completely could just bow out almost without warning. But we often see people's true natures only in adversity. I appreciate the miscarriage was deeply traumatic and the arrival of the baby a joyous event, but having a baby is tough (as you know!) and I think he just couldn't hack it. Unfortunately his decision has long term ramifications for you - like or not, you will need to sharing parenting and time with your son with this person, that's just how it goes.

Your entire adult life has been spent with this man. It will take you some time to rediscover yourself and who you want to be. Be kind to yourself, but keep moving forward.

[MozzchopsThirty]

I agree with tribpot, you should be happy about promoting contact with him and his family, as long as there are no risks.

How you're feeling is normal, no one signs up for single parenthood but it's not all bad. I find it liberating and much better than parenting with my ex

I think no contact other than to discuss childcare is important for your recovery. You need to block him on FB etc and don't actively try and find out who he's dating as this will only hurt.

Have you thought of getting some counselling?

[fost1983]

Thanks ladies, very helpful words!

I think he thinks that I should have just gotten over it by now as he made as comment in regards to him being friendly by saying I thought you were past it for the sake of our son? I mean come on real feelings don't just go away overnight! I think it was a case of having his cake and eating it well no more.

As of 4 days ago I haven't seen or spoken to him whatsoever I have put together a schedule for the next 3 months and have agreed for him to have him to pick my son up on a Tuesday night after nursery have him overnight and then his mum has him all day on a Wednesday and he then has him on a Saturday or Sunday from 10am - 3pm, is this enough in the eyes of the court as he is only 9.5months old and I'm struggling to get him in a routine as it is I.e. He is still sleeping in a travel cot in my room as I can't get him into a normal routine after everything that has gone on! I'm thinking of suggesting for the next 2
Weeks no overnight stays just tea on a Tuesday so I can try cry it out! The problem is that he sleeps in a travel cot in his room at his mums house and he has no plans of moving out anytime soon. Oh and with regards to the handover my mum kindly does this for me! He will struggle with no contact as I think he thought this was his way of controlling me as the other day when we argued he seemed to know where I was all the time and claimed that I was out more than him and knew I had been on a few dates! I got rid of him and blocked him on Facebook at the start but never his mum and she has clearly been reporting everything back to him but on the other hand telling me stuff like "he cried when we left on Mother's Day" and made statements like I'm going to miss his first holiday and birthday" etc to keep a carrot dangled! Safe to say over the past few days I have gotten rid of her on Facebook also.

I agree that he just couldn't hack it I think being a part time dad suits him it's just such a shame as I always thought he would have been an amazing dad and to be fair from what I see of them together he is good with my boy.

We have quite a hefty loan and a mortgage which is up for renewal in 12 months which he is still paying for I have made arrangement with the bank to split the loan ASAP as unless we do this I will lose my house when I come to remortgage on my own in march next year! He said recently that he isn't sure he will be granted a loan on his own as he seems to have gotten himself in quite a lot of debt since he left but I want to protect myself and my son! How can he do this without thinking of the implications to his sons future! I have lived in this house 30 years and do not want to lose it, luckily I have a good job and should be able to afford it on my own!

X

[tribpot]

Okay, it sounds like you have other issues to address if you are still married and he is accruing debt. Have you consulted a solicitor? Who is on the deeds of your house? I would move to separate your finances as soon as you can.

It's a shame you can't share photos with him and his mum on Facebook - you could use another social networking site purely for that purpose, say Google+. However, the details of your daily life are not their concern.

The routine thing is tricky. Is is practical for him to have the baby during the day on Tuesday and then his mum on Wednesday (i.e. do you live near enough that two pickups instead of one is achievable)?

Nice of him to think that you should be 'past' the abrupt and inexplicable ending of your marriage by now - that'd suit him nicely. However, it doesn't actually work that way in the real world. This is very common where the partner leaving has been 'detaching' from the relationship for some time, so is much further down the road to recovery than the partner being left. Take your time where your emotions are concerned, but waste no time whatsoever in protecting your finances!

[fost1983]

We are both on the mortgage until next year and we cant get out of it unless we pay a penalty plus I wont be in a position to afford the house on my own until Sept. There is about £35k equity in the property which he says he doesn't want any of as this is my childhood home and he feels guilty (£12,500 which we owe to my parents). I know in 12 months time this will be different as by then he could be knee deep into his relationship and his other half and him will need money for a deposit and that is when she will convince him to come back to me for the money know doubt. I spoke with a solicitor and a financial advisor, they said split the loan first as I need this done before I could ever apply for a mortgage application then look at drawing up two letters with a solicitor, one for the custody arrangements and the other that he will sign now to say he doesn't want any money out of the house when the renewal is up in 12 months. Suppose we will see then if he signs it or not, at least I will know if I have to save to buy him out and as far as the solicitors have said I believe he is only entitled to a 1/3 or a 1/4 at max.

At the nursery my son attends they have a Google+ page where they add images on a weekly basis, I was thinking I will suggest him joining this as then him and his mum would have images to view and know what he is up to whilst at nursery. when he is with them I have no idea what he is doing with my son so in return I don't think it is fair that he can see what I do with him.

We live very local to each other so there wouldn't be a problem him bringing my son home after tea at 7pm for example I just think he will try and fight me for more access, as he said if I ever tried to stop him seeing him (which I said I never would) then he would take me to court and would get 50/50. I know this might be the case in a few years when my son is older but as for now i believe the court would favor me as I am still allowing access and am being reasonable and because my son is so young he will need a permanent residence especially when he doesn't have his own place.

At first I was terrified that my son was not going to know me as well as my friends and their babies but I see now that this is never going to happen I am his mum and he will know that till the day I die.

I really am not an unreasonable person, I know that I will get past this and will come to terms with some other women being in my child's life at some point, its just less than ideal. His answer to this is that he wont be introducing my son to anyone on a whim and even stated years the other day however, no new women in his life will want to have a child kept from her I know women and she will want to meet my child even if its only to assess how serious my husband is about her and that is what I don't want. In all seriousness I think like most other people in these circumstances my ex will find out that the grass isn't greener and will probably jump from one person to the next but I don't want my son being introduced to them all along the way.

And yes I agree he is 12 months ahead of me and he is hoping that I will move past this quickly to ease his guilt and so he can sleep at night. In all honesty I don't think he has even stopped for one second to think what he has done, but it just amazes me how someone who has always been such a nice person inside and out can change overnight.....! I wont ever get answers so I just need to stop obsessing. It would be so much easier if I could just walk away but I cant we have a son and a whole bunch of mutual friends that we grew up with together, so meeting the other women is inevitable at some point..... I dread the day!

Thank you so much for your advice, its refreshing to hear it from someone else s perspective xsx

[tribpot]

I know in 12 months time this will be different as by then he could be knee deep into his relationship and his other half and him will need money for a deposit and that is when she will convince him to come back to me for the money know doubt

I think he's more than capable of being a selfish git on his own without it all being down to some mythical other woman. He will have stopped feeling any guilt within 12 months and then it will be all about the money. So it's very important to lock the situation down as soon as you can. With it being a relatively short marriage (albeit a long relationship) I'm not sure he is entitled to much out of the marital assets, esp as it sounds like your parents loaned you a lot of the money for the deposit when you bought it - presumably from them? I would be tempted to see how the picture changes if that loan turned out to be a gift from them to you alone.

I know women and she will want to meet my child even if its only to assess how serious my husband is about her

You don't know all women, and you don't know how he is going to behave. But I think you probably need to resign yourself to him not protecting your son from new partners to the same degree you would (and I say that as someone whose mother met someone and married him within six months when I was 6 years old! She says herself that she can't imagine what she was thinking to take such a risk - fortunately it worked out and they are still married nearly 40 years later).

You have nothing to fear from other women as long as you are at your most fabulous - I don't mean looks or clothes but just enjoying all aspects of your own life, your friends, your amazing son, your job and your hobbies. As to him fighting you for 50:50 custody - not bloody likely given he couldn't hack it from day 1. But if he threatens it just respond enthusiastically that modern co-parents can really make that work and it means each parent is less tied down and unable to travel for work, i.e. he would be doing you a favour. At that point he might rather go off the threat.

[fost1983]

I agree he is more than capable of being a Selfish Git as you say all on his own! and the longer the time goes on his needs will be greater so my needs and my sons needs will be none existent (I should know this as he hasn't even bought my son the new car seat he needs and is still squashing him into the first one we brought him home from the hospital in). As far as I know this is still legal but if he can afford to go on multiple weekends away Barcelona for a stag doo being one of them then he can afford to buy a bloomin car seat in my opinion.

Lets just hope he passes the loan application in a couple of weeks fingers crossed that in itself will be a big relief and a step forward. Good idea about asking the solicitors about the gifted deposit / loan being for their daughter (me) I will look into that, thanks!

Its just mad how someone can treat you with such disrespect and hide away at his mums trying to stop himself dealing with the emotions of leaving your wife and child by hanging out with new women. It will hit him one day and I hope it does hard, at which point I hope I have moved onto a wonderful human being. Afterall his response to me being with another man is: I have already imagined you being with another man and another man bringing up our child (possibly even calling him daddy as he is still so young) and I am OK with this, who says that! a mentalist thats who. Its weird as if he had shown one ounce of remorse I would have considered taking him back for the sake of our family but enough is enough now time to take the control back. I suppose my fear about the other women was that she was going to steal my husbands heart and ruin any opportunity for him to want to reconcile and come home to me and his son, but I just need to change my mindset now and think, she is welcome to him!

I'm a thinker and I like to prepare myself so like you say probably best to resign myself to the fact that this is going to happen we just don't know when, he may settle soonish as he is a pushover and doesn't want to be alone or could end up moving from one to the next never staying long enough to even introduce anyone so no point in worrying about it till that day comes, one day at a time.

And your dead right he couldn't step up to the plate if he wanted to, it is all threats I think he likes to see his child more when its convenient for him. I was considering changing the childcare arrangements so that he has him just for tea on a Tuesday night then every other weekend Friday night until Sunday morning 10am, do you think this is reasonable?

At the moment he has all his weekends and evenings to himself and me very few so this might help me gain some life / confidence back and allow me to date more freely, also might help me meet someone else as its difficult at the moment with the current arrangements

xsx

[MozzchopsThirty]

Ok you're subsequent threads sound a little different from op

You don't sound anywhere near ready to date, and 7 months into a break isn't long. I made the decision to end my marriage but I'd say 2 years until you start to get back to you and knowing what you want.

I'm not sure the financial advice you've had is correct. I think you need a financial consent order in the court to prevent any further issues. Even if he signs something he could still come back without the court order AFAIK.
Are you getting a divorce?

I would agree with alternate weekends of care, this way you both get to have a bit of a life

Start getting to grips with the fact that you will have no control over who he introduces to your Ds and when

[fost1983]

Thanks MozzchoppsThirty.

I agree that dating would probably just be a distraction for me right now and I need to deal with the problems head on especially cause I have a little one to look after. I'm hoping it wont take 2 years but seeing how I feel after 7 months its looking likely at this stage, 13.5 years is a long time you cant just erase that overnight.

The advice I have receive so far was over the phone via a solicitor I think i'm best to book in for a face to face appt as soon as poss as think that will help put things into a better perspective for me. If I resign myself to the fact that I have to pay him some money out of the house and that he will be introducing my son to someone probably way before I do then it might help me sleep better at night!

Regarding the divorce I asked him for one a few weeks ago before I knew he was dating this other person, I suppose looking back it was probably a bit of a scare tactic but now I think I want to proceed as I cant imagine going back with a man who has done this to me (although I know this thing happens all the time I just cant help but take it personally). At the time he didn't give me a response other than I cant afford it this month or next month or the next but im a black and white person so I think its best to draw a line under it if I can get him to sign for unreasonable behavior.

I'm going to suggest the alternative weekends I think it will help my son bond with his dad and vice versa, I hate not seeing my son and as much as I hate my ex right now I love my son more and I dont want this to scar him for the rest of his life.

At some point in the future he will ask what has happened but for now he is a baby and he doesnt need to know he is happy, healthy and gorgeous that is all that matters. Perhaps in the future we can play happy unconventional families but were way off that........ somehow I dont think he is quite done disrupting our lives but now is time for me to take the control back into my own hands and lead as normal a life as possible.

What is it about online forums that just give you the head check that you need lol! I feel all invigorated now. Thanks ladies its all thanks to you xsx

[MozzchopsThirty]

Haha that's so true!'

I was with my exh for 13 years so it takes time after that, it's a whole new way of thinking, feeling and doing!
But you will come out the other side, brighter, tougher, happier!

Your Ds will adapt easily, mine were 3, 8 & 16 and all have coped very differently, my now 5 year old can't ever remember his dad living with us! I would say they're all happier now

[fost1983]

That's good to know, it helps talking to other people about there experiences all my friends and family seem to be so solid but then again I thought I was too, suppose you never know what demons are hiding in the closet.

I am a really strong person and everyone is amazed at how well I have coped but I think you do it for the children. All I know is that I now want to aim for a better future without him in my life whether that be alone or with the new prince charming that I am yet to meet ha ha!

The no contact with him is definitely helping and without his mum down my ear every day trying to mess with my head im already starting to feel better. I will not let a divorce break me and am starting to feel like im already a winner.

Thanks again, Take care xsx

[tribpot]

At such a young age, I think little and often is the advice for contact. Whilst it's more restrictive, it may also be less traumatic for you to go for one day every weekend, provided this day is fixed in advance so you can plan around it. I'm assuming you're on mat leave so obviously have ample free time for dating, travelling etc

I wonder if your ds will ever ask - certainly although I knew something bad had happened when my parents' marriage broke down (I was 3) I don't think I've ever asked why it happened. By contrast a friend whose ds' father has been completely absent from his life from birth has had to field some difficult questions about where he is, partly because they live in a European country where it is far less common for both parents not to be involved in the child's life (not necessarily together but co-parenting). Which is why promoting a good bond with his twatfeatures dad is a good idea.

His comment about being fine with you meeting someone else is bloody awful. Really despicable. As you say, who says that?! It's not like you met a couple of years ago and rushed into marriage. Ugh.

I would definitely get some face-to-face advice about how to start divorce proceedings. It doesn't mean that you have to do it but you'll be better prepared. Frankly even if you reconcile, given his flakiness and the fact that you own most of the financial assets of the marriage whilst he appears to be running up debt (no mean feat whilst living with his parents!), being divorced would protect you better.

[fost1983]

Yeah at the moment the little and often arrangement works better for me as im not sure I could cope with two full days away from my son unless for unforeseen circumstance although he doesn't seem to see why??? numb-nuts why did I ever marry him ha ha!

I could only afford to stay off on Mat leave for 6 months so I returned back to work in January 4 days a week but work in recruitment so start work at 8 and finish at 5.30 on the days in, on top of that he left me with two dogs and two cats so I have my hands full. Any spare moment I have I spend cleaning working and walking my dogs although im making sure i make time for friends and to get out for a run and a swim to keep me sane. I know people say just get rid of the dogs there to much hassle but they are my babies also and I couldn't bare to part with them.

My Ds may never ask, and if he doesn't (although I would be tempted to tell him everything) I most likely wont tell him the truth just a very watered down version as I want to protect my little cub, us mummies will do anything to protect our little ones that's the difference.

All I keep reminding myself is that its his loss, its me that reads him his bedtime story, me that he asks for all the time and me that sees him when he develops a new skill I love that little boy with all my heart and soul I suppose I have to be grateful for my ex for helping me create him.

I definitely need to know where I stand with regards to a divorce even if I don't go through with it straight away, I hate the thought of going through the whole procedure but at least then I can draw a line in the sand and then my future can finally begin.

Thanking you again for all your help, I really do feel so much better!

xsx