Should I start a divorce or let him do it? Advice please.....

(12 Posts)
TheOldWiseOne Sat 28-Mar-15 08:31:21

Apologies in advance for any sheer stupidity that I may show here :-( Not familiar with any of this... my husband left the family home without telling me 7 weeks ago ( wouldn't tell us where he was ) and now says that he wants to lead an independent life after 28 plus years of marriage and that he wants a divorce. There is no one else involved ( he is too self absorbed for that- really) - it has been very difficult the last 4 years or so as he seems to suffer from a kind of depression where he needs constant " validation" of himself and feels that he does not get this from me. We have had 4 years of ups and downs, his anger and crying and periods of constant questioning of me. I feel as if he has sucked the life out of me.He retired early last year and we also returned to live in the UK. He is also unhappy with how retirement has turned out - not as much consultancy as he had hoped. Something that actually isn't my fault.

Anyway - is there any advantage to me filing for divorce first ? I will pay more if I do so - correct? (Talking here about lawyers fixed fees) Should I let him do it? What grounds will he be able to file on?

Sorry if this sounds a stupid question.

lighteningirl Sat 28-Mar-15 08:47:01

I think you should immediately go and see the very best lawyer you can afford. Even if he comes back you reconcile or he fannies around knowing your financial position will help. Please do not fall for the fixed fees thing a good solicitor will support you thru this and help fight your corner. Ask amongst divorced separated couples there is always one Rottweiler solicitor in every town and you want her on your side. You deserve better than this wipe him off your shoes and start you life again.

mumeemoo Sat 28-Mar-15 14:30:16

My advice - and experience - is that you should start divorce proceedings as it gives you an element of control. A good lawyer will help keep your costs down. Good luck.

TheOldWiseOne Sat 28-Mar-15 19:45:30

Thanks for your thoughts. I am totally dependent on the outcome of this as am nearly 60 and have no pension of my own - state or otherwise - as I gave up my career to bring up our family and live in countries determined by his job.

zipzap Sat 28-Mar-15 19:52:02

Not sure how true it is, but I've heard that if you go and get a half hour consultation with a solicitor that means they can't take your dh on as a client as it would be conflict of interest... Which means go and speak to all the good ones close to you (not sure if this is individuals or firms sorry - hopefully somebody can tell you) and feel that you are actively reducing his access to a decent solicitor.

Have some flowers just for you - sounds like you need them!

EFG123 Mon 30-Mar-15 17:32:54

zipzap That is true.

WellWhoKnew Thu 09-Apr-15 10:56:53

zipzap that is true, however, there are some benefits to him having a decent lawyer, in that it can help keep your OWN costs down. The crap ones are disorganised, run up unnecessary costs by being late, not responding, sending useless, provocative, inflaming letters etc. Better ones sign up to Resolution. So although it's a cynical thing to do, and perfectly legal, it can actually make things worse for yourself.

And secondly, many of the best solicitors pick and choose their cases so they don't necessarily give free half hours.

Wise best you put yourself in the driving seat and take on the early costs (the initial court fees) so that means you can control when things happen.

He can divorce you because your left nostril is bigger than your right nostril - grounds are practically irrelevant nowadays except in very, very, very extreme situations. So it's best you get your petition filled in and sent to him for approval on the grounds before you send it to court (reduces animosity).

However, an alternative is to not divorce on the grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour, but two years' separation as it's less acrimonious. Clearly you have to do the two years though - so this will depend on whether this is in your interests or not. If they are being financially difficult then get cracking with a UB divorce. The sooner you file, the sooner the finances can be sorted out. A good solicitor will explain all this to you.

Remember there's TWO parts to divorce. Firstly, the divorce. This is an application to the court to dissolve the marriage. Can be done at any time but you don't actually need to go to court in person to do this. It's a bureaucratic thing.

And secondly, what was called 'Anciliary Relief' - that's the money, and that's a completely different legal process than the former. If you can't agree to divide up your assets, and make provision for both your needs, then you'll want to start mediation first (unless you can get out of it, which most can't). It's compulsory for couples who are turning to the courts for assistance (many, many couples do the finances without court involvement).

A good book is 'Family Law Made Simple' by Gordon and Slater - but it is not substitute for actually seeing a lawyer. Also David Terry's divorce forum (google it) is handy too (and free!) Good luck - it's a horrible thing to have to do, but you will survive it.

TheOldWiseOne Sun 12-Apr-15 20:29:18

Thank you wellwhoknew have just seen this. No progress made here yet ..I do have the Gordon and Slater book and have actually seen the Terry divorce site - yes it is helpful. I have had a steep learning curve with all of this. We have a lot of financial stuff to sort out e.g. the sale of a property in another country..it will all take time I know that and have to accept that. Wish I could wave a magic wand and it is all done. I think we will be fine on settling the finances( touch wood).

GcRose123 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:29:35

Hi. I'm looking for advice. I want to divorce my husband of six years. We have no kids together. I have one child from my first relationship though. Age 16. Basically I've had enough of his mental abuse, the name calling, and his hitler approach to my child who he upsets regularly. I've told him I want to separate and why. He said you can't afford to live my yourself. I hold a full time job but I have quite a heavy mortgage and joint debts. So I'm thinking he's right! I can't! Since I've said I want to separate he's ignored me completely.
What I basically want to know is where do I start? Do I need to get a solicitor and sell the house? Thank you x

TaraG23 Thu 13-Aug-15 12:15:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

user1471636847 Fri 19-Aug-16 21:06:32

If within a 13 year marriage that is heading to divorce where husband is distinctively the high earner and the wife works part-time and manages the home and and all the daily affairs relating to the couple including the running of of a BTL : there are two primary assets born within the marriage one being the family home owned as joint tenants payed completely and bough at the beginning of the marriage and the other BTL flat bought 2 years ago as tenants in common with a deed of trust stipulating ownership 99% wife and 1% to the husband as the decision was taken at time of purchase two years ago via solicitors and in so in order not to pay a higher tax amount annually.

Upon divorce proceedings is the asset that is held as tenants in common be split in the middle or by what the deed of trust states or will the courts favor the contributions made by the high earner over the other spouse?

HelenJey Fri 26-Aug-16 07:35:10

complitely agree with lighteningirl. I think it's neccessary to find a family solicitor you can trust and begin a conversation with him. Such specialist can ensure fair representation for all parties and can be a great source of support. Here I found some information about the services of a Family Law Solicitor mommymandy.com/hiring-a-family-law-solicitor-and-how-they-can-help/. Hope it would be useful for you and helps to make you own decision.

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