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Divorce/separation

emotional abuse

16 replies

wheresthelight · 23/03/2015 21:41

I left my ex nearly 3 years ago after years of emotional abuse from him. he used to belittle me, keep me locked up at home, not allowed to see friends or family without him being there. he used to drive me to and from work as he was convinced I was or would cheat. after my grandfather died I bought myself a car and took driving lessons which he always did his best to scupper and from the poi t I passed my test tried to take my keys away so I had to hide them

I want to divorce him but he is refusing unless I agree to him doing it for me cheating. this NEVER happened. I did not cheat. I couldn't have even if I had wanted to as I was never alone!! I am refusing to sign anything as it's all lies and I will not lie to the court. can I cite the above as ground for emotion abuse? would his ground for divorce count as the abuse too?

tia

OP posts:
annedawso · 23/03/2015 21:44

Crikey, you poor thing.
I have no idea, but I would go and see a solicitor.
His behaviour sounds very unreasonable and there is no way I would lie to satisfy him.
He sounds a control freak.
Good luck

wheresthelight · 23/03/2015 21:53

thanks!! I can't afford a solicitor unfortunately but I am saving so I can see on soon I hope.

I am with a lovely man who could not be more different and I now have a lovely baby girl (accidently pregnancy after 17 years of being told I was infertile). My life could not be more different now but I still have that psycho in my head and legally am still married to him and I just want it over

OP posts:
LisaMed · 24/03/2015 08:21

Hi, has he issued a divorce petition with adultery as the reason for the breakdown of the marriage? If he has, you can faff around but it is expensive and fiddly to defend or cross petition.

If he hasn't issued a petition then you can file yours and get it over with.

The bottom line is - do you want to be divorced and is it worth just letting him file, putting down that you deny the accusations but agree that the marriage has broken down. It doesn't usually affect any financial settlement (double check this bit!) and the divorce petition isn't seen by anyone outside court.

You may like to get advice about whether your daughter is considered a child of the marriage. As you were married to your ex when she was born it may have implications.

He is not going to start behaving rationally now. Good luck.

LisaMed · 24/03/2015 08:24

btw if you divorce on the grounds of breakdown due to unreasonable behaviour or five years separation then he doesn't have to agree. You can go ahead and file anyway. Let him do the expensive bit of defending/cross petitioning etc.

ClaireRalph · 24/03/2015 10:04

Assuming he hasn't filed for a divorce himself, I would go ahead and file yourself, citing unreasonably behaviour on his part. if he wants to try to defend then he is free to do so, but he won't succeed - the marriage has clearly broken down and you now have moved on. Dissolving the marriage is only a technicality now.

What assets need splitting - is there a house/cars/investments? I would prioritise getting legal advice on that aspect, but not to file the petition (because you don't need help on that front you can do it yourself and pay the court fee of £400). Good luck - it sounds like you are doing amazingly :)

wheresthelight · 24/03/2015 15:19

hos solicitor tried to issue something but it wasn't a court document that cited adultery and I sent it back saying I had no intention of agreeing with it as it was lies and nothing has happened. I have already signed over the house to him and wiaved any claim to it.

my daughter is nothing to do with him so not sure how she could be classed as a child of the marriage?

OP posts:
LisaMed · 24/03/2015 16:04

I'm not sure as it is a long time since I did this (issued divorce at the County Court). I was taught that any child born between marriage and divorce was a child of the marriage and should be covered by the child contact arrangements, regardless of parentage. However that was not a formal legal training so hopefully I'm wrong, it may be worth checking out with someone legally qualified.

I suggest you make sure you get a clean break order, which means that in the future he has no claim on anything. The example usually given is that in ten years time if you win the lottery, if you haven't got a clean break order he could have a claim. Even if you have already signed everything over to him you should go for the clean break, just in case.

bobs123 · 24/03/2015 16:19

Unfortunately in the eyes of the law emotional abuse means absolutely nothing (unless he tried to kill you!)

I think you needs to google ways of divorcing (sites like wikivorce) and armed with as much knowledge as possible, then book a session with a solicitor (you can get free first sessions with some)

Unfortunately legal aid is not longer available to those on low income. However, mediation is if you go that route.

Re whatever you signed/didn't sign, you should get as much info on that as well as simply signing a house over to him doesn't necessarily mean he gets to keep it.

And do you know, if you do divorce on grounds of you cheating, it makes no difference to anything at the end of the day - no difference to asset splitting, say. It's just on a piece of paper, and depending on how desparate you are to get divorced.....

bobs123 · 24/03/2015 16:45

How long were you married?

wheresthelight · 24/03/2015 17:59

I know it doesn't bobs but I refuse to give him the satisfaction as he will use it to beat me forever more. I know emotional abuse isn't allowed as grounds but it gives way to the unreasonable behaviour.

the clean break order I think is what his solicitor sent me to sign that waived my claim on the house. we were married for 22 months but together for 7 years

I am not sure I understand the child bit though which could be cos I am tired and I'll. she isn't his, she was born well over a year after I left him.

OP posts:
bobs123 · 25/03/2015 09:24

When you say he will use it to beat you forever more...use what? Getting divorced on the basis of adultery? How would he able to do that as presumably you would have no contact.

Re the child, i think the other poster thought your STBX was the Dad. As he isn't, this is irrelevant.

so you were married 22 months - classed as a short marriage. In this case you should both walk away with any assets you took into the marriage.

So you signed the house over, but didn't sign the clean break? This means anything you put into the house money-wise you should get back.

Really - go get a free session at a solicitor

maccie · 25/03/2015 11:00

Your child was born during your marriage. It does not matter one bit whether she is your ex husbands or not she is still considered a child of your marriage as she was born before you divorced.

Also I know that you probably won't like this but technically you have cheated as you have slept with another man before you were divorced. Let him divorce you for any reason he wants. The day you leave court a free woman you never have to see him again unless you choose to so it hardly matters if he think she has won.

wheresthelight · 25/03/2015 20:05

maccie I did not cheat. I had walked away from my marriage long before I met dd's dad. and actually as it was more than 6 months after I left it doesn't count as adultery as I have already sought legal advice on this. I cannot find anything via Google that states she wpuld be classed as a child of the marriage in the UK so please feel free to link to your information

OP posts:
Secretsquirrel99 · 26/03/2015 21:17

First of all courts do take emotional abuse into account. Abuse is abuse and does not have to be physical. There are many factors that are taken into consideration with abuse and it doesn't mean to say that the abuse a person suffers couldn't turn physical. The pattern of physical abuse usually starts with emotional abuse. From what you describe you almost certainly suffered from an abusive relationship and I would recommend looking at the womans aid website and also ringing the National Domestic Violence Helpline for advice. While the title does have the word "violence" in it, they also help people that have suffered from emotional abuse too.

On your divorce. You should file for divorce! Be brave and state the truth about what happened and why your marriage broke down. You can claim the £400 back from your exhusband, this is in the form, espeically as there are some very unreasonable circumstances here and I am sure a court would agree that your ex husband should pay this cost. He can not legally refuse to divorce you or intimidate you by saying he will only agree if you say xy and z. He may be able to delay the process slightly but the court will grant you a divorce and under these circumstances probably quite quickly.

As for your finances, you must be very intimidated by this man if you were willing to sign the house over to him? It would be wise to discuss this with a lawyer. I don't know whether that can be undone due to the circumstances you were in. You really do need some legal help yet unfortunately legal aid is very limited now. I would strongly recommend going to your local citizens advice bureau and seeing if due to your circumstances and the nature of your relationship, ie: not being suitable for mediation. Whether there is another option for you to get this help on legal aid. If you can get legal aid be aware that it is very limited so do a LOT of preparation before hand and come ready and prepared with questions, forms etc to get the most out of your time with the lawyer. Do also phone the helpline 0808 2000 247 as they may also know what you can do about this situation.

I don't know about the child of the marriage thing but it seems unlikely to be seen that way to me.

Good Luck!

shortkate · 06/04/2015 16:46

You cannot lie to the courts. I was prepared to say I cheated if that meant I could get the divorce quickly, but my solicitor said as it wasn't true it could not be used as a reason. I would strongly recommend getting legal advice.

With regards to separation of assets, a clean break means neither you nor him can go back to the courts for more in the future, so you know where you stand. Be careful about the short marriage, as they can take into consideration the time you were together before the marriage. The position on this is variable - depends on the individual judges if it goes that far.

Unfortunately there are no set rules to apply to these situations, so it can seem very much like a lottery. You are better off getting very good advice as to what the worst and best outcomes are, and then preparing yourself for the eventualities.

Good luck with it all. It is a horrible and stressful position to be in.

Vca12345 · 09/04/2015 12:28

wheresthelight, you know what even I am going through divorce due to similar situations but I feel I am lucky because lawyers at
www.leemeierlaw.com is helping out with both divorce as well as child custody and there charges are also fair.

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