Gambling - unreasonable behaviour - 6 months rule

[MrsMartinRohde]

I want to start divorce proceedings. My husband is a gambling addict, something he told me before we were married (2010; he told me in 2007, when we'd been together about 10 months). Over the years there have been incidents that he's told me about but only when the heat was so hot with his creditors that he needed me to agree to bail him out.

Long story short, he told me about the latest such incident - the 7th or 8th (I've blocked out some details) involving sums over £1,000 on Valentine's Day (yes, he really did). After the last confirmed massive loss (summer 2013, when we increased our mortgage by £13,000 to bail him out) he was on a "last chance". Not that he believed it because going on what he's now told me - about new debts dating back 18 months, another £11,000 - that takes him back to basically straight away after the last bail-out.

We're not wealthy. We have two DS, age 5 and 3. I work part-time. He works full-time but we don't have a large income. As well as the large dramatic sums, there have been times he's withdrawn money from my credit card without authorisation - £400, £500 in a month, despite me repeatedly asking him not to (we don't share bank accounts or credit cards, just the mortgage is in both names, but he was taking my cc once a week to buy his weekly travelcard, which I was fine with, but then withdrawing money, which I was most assuredly not fine with as we didn't have the money to pay it off).

Aside from all this - he's controlling, difficult, unpleasant. I am 100% happy with my decision to end it. Something just snapped inside when I realised he'd not waited at all to gamble again after summer 2013. Promises, etc - all meaningless. I have given chances, and more chances, and now I'm done.

My question is: for unreasonable behaviour to be cited as the gambling addiction, how does the 6-month rule stand? Because he has never told me at the time of the losses, just once he's in a place where he cannot afford payments, etc. This last lot (or so he's admitted) was 18 months ago. He told me 1 month ago. Obviously with the previous incidents I stayed. But it's just too much now. There's no love left between us, it's all just a miserable existence.

We're still in the same house. Separate rooms.

[Gibbsbasement]

Surely his unreasonable behaviour is the lying about debts? He has lied about/ kept secret the debt until 1 month ago. So well within 6 months.

[MrsMartinRohde]

Thank you! I thought it would count but then wondered if I had to have this stuff all documented.

I'm not at all familiar with what will be agreed by outsiders is "unreasonable behaviour". Not at all familiar, yet, I mean. Gah.

[Gibbsbasement]

Speak to a solicitor. They will advise you on the wording for the petition.

But IMO the continued lies and gambling of 'family' money are emotional and financial abuse and are unreasonable.

[Happiness123]

MrsMartinRhode, I can completely relate to the situation you're in at the moment. How are you getting on with things now? I found out this week that my husband has also started gambling again. I've known him for almost 12 years now. I was always a bit suspicious that his gambling was more than recreational but I couldn't really prove it. I used to find betting slips every now and again for 20/50 quid, which isn't a lot of money but he didn't have much money in the first place. Whenever I asked him about it, he'd get angry and blame me for being paranoid. A few years down the line, I also found transactions on his bank statements for pay day loans. He promised that some was from playing too much poker online but that he'd stopped. However he carried on again. I found transactions of up to £1000 on his poker account, which again he apologised. We were saving for a house at the time and he was still gambling and making no contribution. He only told me how bad it was after we were refused a joint mortgage. He showed me bills full of payday loans and betting. I kicked him out and told our parents. We bailed him out and I got the house in my name. A year later It all happened again. I looked through his phone and found betting messages. I confronted him and after many questions he admitted it all over again. Spending anything up to £1000 a day on poker/betting. He said he didn't realise how bad it was because he'd also won quite a lot. Anyway, he was £2000 in debt to payday loans with no way of paying them back. No money in our joint account to pay bills. His parents paid it off on condition he paid them back so that we could pay our bills that month. He finally admitted he had a problem and started councilling. I went with him and to my own as well. He finds it impossible to ask for help or admit things. Anyway, things were going great. He stopped gambling and communicated more. We even started trying for a family (we didnt get pregnant). I genuinely thought things were sorted and I think he did at one point. Anyway, this week I found a letter from a payday loan company. I asked him and he told me everything. Same story as before. He took the loan for financial reasons, couldn't pay it back and started gambling and now in debt all over again. I really don't think I can take anymore but then I think that it's his first relapse and that's to be expected. To be honest, it's not the gambling that upsets me, it's the lying and sneakiness and the fact he couldn't come to me or his councillor after all we've been through. He admits he's a coward and knew he'd get found out eventually. If he'd have just told me, id have understood. I just wonder whether I'm giving up to soon on him as this is his first relapse after admitting it but then again I just don't know if I can carry on like this. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[MrsMartinRohde]

babybarrister - thank you. I did find my solicitor through the Resolution website, and had a meeting with her just over a week ago. I think it's going to be ok - financially, other than our mortgage being in joint names so he can't act without my signature, we have no joint accounts on anything (bank accounts, credit cards). It's all in my name, and always has been. Thank goodness. At one point I did get him added to my credit card but at the last minute cut the card up before letting him have it.

Happiness123, I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sucks. I've never actually seen direct evidence of gambling because my husband is so so secretive. I've never seen his bank statement, or read any personal letters. But I started seeing letters that made it clear they were from loan companies, and I was very suspicious, especially when I could see through the envelope window on one that it said "final demand". of course he denied it was anything.

Like you, it's the lying that and sneakiness that has done for me. The money is one thing, of course, and it's a huge thing. But the constantly telling me I'm the one with the problem, the nastiness, the defensiveness, insisting I'm the paranoid one, that he'd never do it, not now we're married/have a child/have a house/have two children etc etc etc, only for him to eventually tell me ONLY when he was in such deep water with it all - it's crushed me, and it's crushed me too often now for me to believe anything will ever be different. I have zero trust, and without that, what's the point? It's sad, I'm sad, but I don't see a way back. He always promised to get help but those desperate promises lasted as long as it took for me to agree to give him whatever money/allow him to access family money to get him out of an immediate hole.

I understand addiction. I really really do: I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, 12 years sober now. I went to AA, worked the programme. It changed me and changed my outlook. And it's made me realise that I cannot change someone who won't change for themself. I have given chances. People gave me chances. Some stuck around, others didn't. But I had to be utterly desperate to change, I had to know deep in my soul and my self that I could not carry on in the way I had been. I lost a lot, and it was all very very painful but it made me determined to try, and try properly. He has never had that utter desperation. I know I've enabled him, and I hate that, but we were married, and then we had the children, and I was just trying to save all that.

As for relapses and whether or not they are to be expected - I don't know. I had to draw a line in the sand. The first time I was told about gambling was a bombshell, we'd been together about 10 months, and I believed him when he said it wouldn't happen again. I had to give him a chance. Second time was a lot lot lot worse as we were married and had a year-old baby. I was beyond livid - he'd been made redundant but found another job fairly quickly, and I'd been paying for everything (from savings as I'd only recently gone back to working after maternity leave, and was only really working a day or so a week), and then on the day after our child's first birthday, which had been a lovely family day, he informed me that he'd lost all the redundancy money and his first month's pay. it was devastating, to put it mildly. But we'd been hoping to move house at the end of that year, as we were approaching the time when his credit would have recovered sufficiently to get a joint mortgage, and wanted another baby, and I was unable to let go of my dreams. :( Over the next few years there were odd times of him not contributing the money he usually would (I administered everything, every single bill went from my bank account), but nothing huge, until the time we remortgaged. What always hurt was how he'd just present this fully worked out plan. He'd drop a bomb, then tell me what I needed to do. I wouldn't get the chance to be angry or hurt or enraged, he'd expect me to just agree. Obviously I was incapable of that, which made him more angry! It was crazy. I was the bad person for not being reasonable and just doing whatever thing we had to in order to save him again!

And this is what I have had to shut down. I cannot keep doing that. Cannot live in such an unhealthy, destructive relationship. He wouldn't get counselling. So your husband is a step ahead - but not if he only pays lip service. In a way I think just a stark refusal to commit to any sort of help, and even a theoretical commitment to honesty (despite the actuality) makes it easier on me. My husband isn't prepare to go to any lengths. It's very painful, more so that I had to bang my head against the wall so much for me to finally realise it would keep hurting, but hey, I got there.

I'm a lot happier now. Sure, it's difficult as we are still in the same house. But we're going to sell it. He is being difficult about the financial settlement, as once again he has prepared a plan and expects me to go along with it, without modification. I'm waiting for my solicitor to let me know if it's a reasonable one. But he's basically blackmailing me as he says that any other settlement would leave him without the money to be able to afford to live somewhere suitable for our children to stay, and if this happened he would disappear and none of us would ever see him again. Leaving our kids devastated and me a full-time lone parent. I have faith that we will work out something that is satisfactory for us all - but while we have children I will always be linked to him, for the duration of their childhood, anyway. Can I trust he won't gamble what he gets in the settlement? No. I expect he will, actually. But what can I do, other than be prepared for the worst, which is indeed a life as a full-time lone parent with two devastated children. I wish I could trust in him enough to feel confident this won't happen, but I don't.

I think you have to decide your line in the sand and stick to it. For me when he crossed the line I felt a sort of freedom. I'd been so very unhappy over the previous few years that it was almost a relief to have my hand forced, and it wasn't such a big decision to end it as I'd always feared.

Good luck, again I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :(