Preparing for separation....help!

[westendgirlx]

Hi! I thinking about separating from my husband of nineteen years, but the whole thing just seems so huge, so difficult to sort out, I don't know where to start and I'm seriously worried about what will happen to me and our daughter. I wonder if anyone out there could give me advice or encouragement. I have confided in two friends, who have promised to be there to lend an ear, but neither are in a position to offer us much practical help, such as a temporary place to stay. My husband is disabled, uses as wheelchair, but he works. I have only a few casual hours of work at the moment, hoping to get a better job soon. My husband and I are simply incompatible. He criticises me all the time and I don't love him anymore. We have had problems getting on for years. He is usually ok, but he can have a terrible temper when angry. I have been seeing another man for the past few months, who is married and in a similar circumstance. He has already told me that he loves me, but he won't leave his wife. He is older and has been a great friend as well as a lover.

I am so scared about leaving my husband and the consequences. Yet, I am so unhappy at home. My lover has so much more freedom than me, his wife doesn't seem to care if he is out all night, as long as he still stays married to her and pays the bills. My husband has been complaining about me being out more and it is definitely soured the relationship further. We haven't shared a bed for years (my husband's idea.) If I ask for separation I know I have a fight on my hands. We had a terrible row four years ago where he threatened to leave me, and take the house and our daughter. I know I have rights, but truth is I can't afford to keep on the house myself and I would have to beg from my husband. Plus, as he is disabled, he can't just move out to anywhere. He needs a wheelchair accessible house. I think I ought to move out and let him have the house, but that's so unfair on our daughter, and I could barely even afford a tiny flat myself, in any case. I want to see a lawyer, but I am wondering if I could even afford the costs involved.

The whole situation is such a big mess up. I really have tried to stay in my marriage, but it's making me so unhappy and I feel so trapped. I have no family myself. I love my in laws and I am scared that they would disown me if I left my husband. I am a positive thinking and capable person, but this situation is seeming to be just too big for me right now. :-)

[madmother1]

I've just stumbled across your post and realised no one has replied to you. I was married for 23 years with two teenage children. I too, was so scared of leaving but I did. Now, 4 years later and in my little house, I am much more content with life. I haven't met anyone, but I have the freedom to meet my friends whenever I fancy and have a good life now. Granted, I have a well paid job and with my tax credits and a bit of maintenance money I could afford to start again.
Don't spend the rest of your life being miserable. I'm sure you and your husband could come to an agreement with the house. He will have to downsize but so will you.
I wish you the best of luck x

[madmother1]

I still see my MIL - she loves me just the same :-)

[westendgirlx]

Hi, thanx for the encouragement. I might feel better, but for two things.....money in particular. If I had the money, I'd be out looking for a place tomorrow. Really, I'm in the situation coz of money, quite frankly. I really could find myself without a roof over, or in a flat in a dodgy area. Secondly, my lover isn't leaving his wife, so in the end, this relationship is doomed too. I am just a little bit scared of being on my own, as I will be very much in the future. In four years, maybe I'll be contented, like you dear. I wish I could just skip the hardest bit. Thanx for your encouragement. X