My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Two years after separation and I'm still wiping his arse for him

35 replies

Shenton · 30/09/2014 14:27

Feels like this will never end ... Please tell me it gets better

OP posts:
Report
StartinOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2014 21:12

What do you mean? Does he still expect you to sort things out for him as if you were still his wife?

It does get better when you remember you personally have absolutely no obligation to him anymore.

I had to kick my ex up the arse to get joint accounts closed, mail redirection started after he left. I'm doing the leg work for the divorce now too as I want it done now, not when he feels like it.

Boundaries! Grin

Report
Shenton · 01/10/2014 00:58

The trouble is if I ask him to do stuff he just doesn't then when he needs something from me ... Tax return stuff ... I said you can have it when I get the stuff I askec for 2 years ago he makes out he's doing me a massive favour by paying child support and sends me I'm sure you'll do the right thing texts - but no you're not having anything you need.
I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:
Report
AcrossthePond55 · 01/10/2014 02:13

First I'd stop asking him to do anything for me. I'm not sure what you mean by 'stuff' but if you mean DIY jobs around your home, either do it yourself or pay or barter someone else to do it. If by 'stuff' you mean things regarding the children then either take him to court or do without. Cut your losses and declare your 100% independence from him.

You can only control yourself. You can't stop him from asking you to do things for him nor can you make him do things for you. What you CAN do is stop bargaining with him and just say 'NO!' loud and clear. Ask for nothing and give nothing in return.

Report
StartinOverTheRainbow · 01/10/2014 07:00

Op, he doesn't have to do anything for you anymore. For the children, yes. That's the point of separation/divorce. Agree with across, sort yourself out and let him sort himself out. Lots of hassle saved on both ends!

Report
Shenton · 01/10/2014 11:00

I mean things like paying his parking and speeding tickets that are registered in my name. We are far too inter connected for people who split two years ago still

OP posts:
Report
PfftTheMagicDraco · 01/10/2014 11:17

You HAVE to separate this stuff. I had this, to some degree. Him asking me to organise appointments, sort things for the kids on his time. For a while, I did. Because it was like he had this hold over me where I was his doormat. Then I realised that if it fucked me off being his mother when we were married, I wasn't going to do it when we were separated!

I still get it occasionally - his sense of entitlement - expecting me to tell him about school stuff that he could sort himself, him expecting me to do the running. I have just withdrawn from him and tell him nothing.

Report
SanityClause · 01/10/2014 11:20

Okay, you need to sort out this "interconnection".

His car is in your name? Inform the DVLA of the correct owner. The speeding tickets will go to his address.

What else?

Report
Shenton · 01/10/2014 11:30

Basically he pays double the child support he has to and I cannot survive without it so any time I'm not a good girl and don't do what he asks that gets threatened with removal. Then there's the house .... Would have been repossed had I not poured my last savings into it and managed the letting and now all the tax stuff he needs ... I've said I won't do it unless he sends me the divorce paperwork ... All he'll has broken loose

OP posts:
Report
StartinOverTheRainbow · 01/10/2014 12:37

Hmmm, so you're selling your soul to this man? I'd rather be on benefits without a penny to my name than be under my ex's thumb.......oh wait, I already am!

Seriously, you are being blackmailed and allowing it. Don't complain too loudly about a situation you agree to. It sounds like you are not happy, and who would be in the situation? Make some sacrifices to be free.

Report
Shenton · 01/10/2014 13:34

I can't claim benefits so yeah that's the situation for now .... He didn't pay child support for 6 months and I was selling the kids toys for food

OP posts:
Report
AcrossthePond55 · 01/10/2014 18:07

I don't know anything about UK benefits so can't advise you there. All I can suggest is that you sit down and calculate if there is any way you can do without the extra support. I guess I'd rather eat beans for every meal and shop at thrift shops than be tied to an ex the way you unfortunately are. He's financially abusive, no doubt!

If you really need the extra support to make ends meet is there any way of going back to court and increasing the amount? Is there some way you can get a part time job? Can you move back in with your parents? Take in a boarder?

It also sounds as if you aren't living in your home (you mention letting it). Would it be cheaper to move back in? Can you increase the rent? Would you be better off to sell the house to give you a 'nest egg'?

Any or all of these suggestions may not apply or be worthwhile. I'm just trying to figure out what I would do in your situation. I guess the bottom line is what, if anything, are you willing or able to do without to cut that tie that binds you to him.

Report
Shenton · 02/10/2014 00:12

I already work full time, the only thing I could realistically do is move house but we've literally just done that and the location of this one makes the other stuff, getting the kids to school etc logistically possible.
I feel caught because if he pays support we can live but realistically that could and has changed in a heart beat. He offers no practical support, only speaks to the kids via telephone and yet makes out he's doing me the biggest favour.
I have looked into going to court to make the amounts paid enforceable but I suspect that will just scare the horses.

OP posts:
Report
AcrossthePond55 · 02/10/2014 18:10

It is being caught between a rock and a hard place!! As far as he is concerned he IS doing you the biggest favour, after all what is more important (to him) than MONEY (and hurting you)!! Obviously not the welfare of his children! I just don't understand how men don't seem to understand that when they withhold money to get back at the ex they are really just depriving their children. Unfortunately as long as you need his money to make ends meet he'll hold it over your head. Damn.

It can change in a heartbeat, all he has to do is decide to get 'pissy' about something. Again, perhaps another visit to a solicitor about getting an increase in support via court order? If a solicitor says that you have a really good chance of getting an increased amount with an enforceable order, those horses can be just as scared as they want! He'd still be legally bound to pay. Or maybe just the threat of one would be enough to make him pay up and shut up.

And do separate all the things you possibly can, like the car registration. As far as taxes go, do you still have to file joint returns after what appears from your post to be a 2 year separation? Again, don't know a thing about UK taxes but here you can file 'married, filing separately' if you aren't living together. Sometimes it's more advantageous that way, sometimes not.

Report
Shenton · 03/10/2014 04:56

I'm filing separately he wants me to do his tax return for him too since I have all the paper work and have done all the leg work for a house that isn't even in my name and he refuses to sign a scrap of paper to say it will be ... I am digging my heels on this one though

OP posts:
Report
Romeyroo · 03/10/2014 06:15

It is hard. I spent most of the money I had on a lawyer to get mine to leave me alone. But in the end, it was a case of accepting minimum child support so there was no leverage and explicitly telling him to stop bullying me. He is still refusing to sign anything, but I have taken it as far as I can.

Report
AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 01:36

I'd tell him to do his own flippin' taxes!

Report
Shenton · 04/10/2014 07:06

I have lol
Went down like a lead balloon, my solicitor basically said tell him to fcuk off we'll deal with him in court, plonker.

OP posts:
Report
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/10/2014 07:38

Why can't you claim benefits?

Report
Shenton · 04/10/2014 07:43

I just can't .... Not in the UK

OP posts:
Report
AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 14:15

Ah, not in the UK meaning you don't live there? If you're US then I understand. Not much of a safety net here.

Report
Shenton · 04/10/2014 15:07

Exactly

OP posts:
Report
AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 17:04

It's unfortunate that here so many people 'fall through the cracks' because there really isn't much of a safety net unless you are pretty much destitute.


You can go online to DMV (at least in some states) and release liability in a vehicle even if Mr Twat won't change the registration. That means future tickets won't go on your record & you won't be liable for them. It's not the same as changing the registration, all it means is that you are no longer liable for tickets or accidents. It also allows you to drop insurance on the vehicle. At least where I live it does, you'd need to check your own state laws. DH and I did this on the vehicle we gave to our son. He was being lazy about changing the reg AND getting parking tickets. Speeding tix are on his license when he is stopped, unless he ran a red light and the camera caught the plate.

In some states you can get a 'no cost to you' court order for support and wage garnishment through Dept of Children's Services. It's been a few years since I had anything to do with them (through a prior job) but there was no income limit for their assistance. They help you do the paperwork, you do the running around (filing, etc) and they will enforce the order. They'd rather do the work & get you the child support than increase the public assistance rolls.

It's not as easy to find help here, but it is out there. Not as good as other countries, but every little bit helps.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Shenton · 05/10/2014 13:44

I managed to get the ball in my court again slightly by threatening to withdraw his visa and move home, pathetic to have to stoop to his level and stressful for me too but what can you do ? Counting the days until his hold over me is removed, that's in the hands of his company unfortunately.

OP posts:
Report
AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2014 14:26

I'm glad that you have some 'leverage' at least! It's not pathetic at all. It's a tool, use it! I certainly would.

You don't have to answer, but what is stopping you from moving home if you think it would be easier on you?

Report
Shenton · 05/10/2014 15:35

I don't want to be honest ... In the short term it might be easier but bigger picture I want to be here and the kids friends are helping then through all this bulkshit. I haven't the energy to start again if I'm honest. Plus if we go back he'll never see the kids again, at least here I might get a few weeks per year respite. The twat thinks he's staying at my house to see the kids at Christmas - I think not - typical though

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.