can I just move out with daughter without husband's consent

[ClaireRalph]

I want to leave my husband and start divorce proceedings, and can't co-habit with him during this phase (he is very volatile and has threatened me in the past). He currently does the childcare 4 days a week whilst I am at work.

My sister is buying a flat and I can move in with her, bringing my daughter with me. But can I just up sticks with her without giving him advance notice? I am organising childcare for the times when I have to go to work, and she will be safe at all points, but I don't want to go suddenly if he can get a court involved for taking her.

Obviously we both have parental responsibility for her, but I don't want to leave her with my husband as he is suffering from depression.

[Longdistance]

If your dh is volatile, I'd just go. Not a good environment for your dd to be in.

Are you in rented, or mortgaged?

[WannaBe]

well, you can move out obviously, however, nobody would say that it was ok for a father to move the kids out without informing the mother, and neither should it be considered ok the other way around, especially as it seems you are making alternative arrangements for someone else to look after your dd when it seems your h is currently the main carer.

You will need to communicate with him over this, because as your dd's main carer, if he goes to court for residency he will likely get it. it would be best to come to an agreement over these things.

[nomoretether]

I agree with wannabe. How long has he been doing 4 days of childcare? What happens on other 3 days?

Do you plan to entirely withhold contact? If you don't, what would stop him from not giving her back to you after his contact time?

Courts like to keep the status quo so keeping her in her own home with her main carer would be preferable to a new home with a different non-parent carer unless you can prove he is a significant risk to your daughter. Depression alone won't count and I don't know what you mean by volatile but you will need proof of any risk you claim.

Best to do things by agreement. Court is a horrible way to do things.

[ClaireRalph]

He's only been doing the childcare 4 days a week for 2.5 months (since I went back to work), and every evening and all the time on saturdays, sundays and mondays I do the childcare, so I actually do far more than he does when you add up the hours.

How does 'main carer' get determined? I would argue that i am her main carer (in terms of hours etc), plus only breadwinner in the family.

The house we live in is mortgaged, and I am the only one on the deeds, and on the mortgage. I know I can't force him to leave, and will have to keep paying the mortgage etc until the divorce comes through. I would also ensure he sees our daughter (if he wants to, he has threatened that if I 'embarrass' him by leaving him he will cut her off..). But I refuse to just leave her with him and move out alone - I couldn't bear to be apart from her permanently, and it would look like I've abandoned her. But I can't stay either - he makes threats, such as to burn the house down when I'm in it!

[GinAndSonic]

Whos name is the child benefit in? If its yours then you are the main carer.
Of course you can leave him without telling him. You say he is volatile and had threatened you - if you are leaving an abusive man then you certainly shouldnt tell them you are going, it puts you at risk. I got up, got me and the kids ready and left as if going to the shops. Just leave. Any discussions about contact can happen after.

[GinAndSonic]

Hang on, if its your house you need a solicitor asap.

[GinAndSonic]

Are any of these threats in written form, such as texts etc?

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

"he makes threats, such as to burn the house down when I'm in it!"

That is very worrying. I think you need advice on keeping yourself safe after you leave. Does he know your sister's address?

[Fairylea]

Firstly phone womens aid for advice. He is abusive and the usual riles do not apply in these situations. You may be entitled to legal aid as he is abusive (threatening behaviour and threatening to burn the house down!)

If you are the only one on the mortgage you will be able to get him removed from the house, especially if womens aid become involved. However because you are married (?) this may mean he is entitled to half the property value through marriage. Again you need a solicitor.

As he is abusive I would leave with your dd and arrange all contact through a contact centre. Do not let him have unsupervised contact if there is any inkling he may not return your dd.

However I will say being the breadwinner does not make you the main carer. In the eyes of a court the main carer is usually the parent who does the most childcare irrespective of income.

[Fairylea]

*rules not riles

[mummytime]

First: Phone women's aid.
Second contact the police and get them to put a flag on your phone number (just tell them he is violent, and tell them the threats and you are worried)
Third talk to a solicitor - its your house - not a shared property, that does make a difference.

Where there is violence/strong threats then one parent is perfectly entitled to remove the children to ensure their safety.

If you have any evidence of the threats or can record them without endangering yourself, then do so and keep copies safely away from the house.

[ClaireRalph]

He has been careful, so none of the threats are in text messages, so I have no real evidence of his controlling behaviour.
I don't get child benefit - I earn too much to be eligible. I will phone woman's aid and speak to the police - warning them that I am at risk.

I know I'm going to lose out big time financially in a divorce, but that is so far down my list of priorities right now. I just want to make sure I don't get arrested for moving in with my sister!

I will make sure contact is supervised after I go, and no he doesn't know my sisters address. I've been very careful in which friends I have told, and they understand the situation so won't let anything slip. D day is saturday - very worried about how it will go but a friend has donated her husband to be there with me in case he tries anything and another one is watching my dd at her house (again husband doesn't know where she lives either.

I'm in the process of getting a solicitor set up, but thanks to everyone for their support. Xx

[mummytime]

The police won't arrest you for that. The courts could decide he has a right to contact, but that would take time, and only if you consistently refuse woud the police be likely to become involved. The only other way is if there is a chance the children are being harmed, then the police might be involved with ensuring SS had access to assess the situation.

[angelkate1]

Yes Definitely you have a right on your daughter jut like her father has on her so why not you can move with her without the consent of your husband???