Children and money plans

[JumpRope]

DH and I live in a mortgaged £1m home, he earns a lot a year, he has pensions, savings, investments, assets etc. I'm used to not working.

Unfortunately, there has been dv.

We have 2 dcs in private schools. I've been sahm since they were born.

Dh is refusing to discuss child custody. I have a nagging fear he may go for sole custody, using the fact that I've had some depression/anxiety, but I am being successfully treated, and all agree I'm a good mum.

I want what's best for dcs and for dh to have a good relationship with them. However, I dont think dh will give up his job or reduce his very long hours, as that would mean not affording private schools and that is important to him. So he'd be reliant on outside childcare apart from at weekends.

I also don't want to take dh "to the cleaners" which is his fears, and get a load of his cash. I would be happy to work, but would want a job that was local and allowed me to care for the kids and not rely on childcare.

In cases like this, what is the 'norm'. Is it joint custody? I've heard of fathers getting the children every other weekend - is that an example of a joint custody arrangement?

Sorry, a confusing post. But I am anxious the children don't have to 'live' with him 50/50 when he wouldn't be there much of the time. And also wondering about the money sit.

[WellWhoKnew]

Everything you've written is believed by you because you have never been divorced before, I take it.

Neither have I. It's amazing what you believe about divorce until you do it for yourself.

Not unlike all the things you believed about having babies before you did!

What you need to do is speak to a solicitor. Yes it will cost you a few hundred pounds - however it will a) dispel a lot of the myths you believe right now and b) stop you panicking.

Yes, it will also upset your spouse. But given they are already upset - there's nothing to lose there.

You cannot take your husband to the cleaners.

Your husband cannot take custody of the children if you are the SAHP just because he earns the money.

With a £1m home, there are 'lifestyle' factors to be considered. Yes, you will have an income drop, yes you will be expected to work (part time until they leave school), and possibly yes you may have to move homes - but this is by no means a certainty.

Your husband cannot just abandon the marriage. Yes, he can upsticks and fuck off, but the law doesn't give a shit where his physical body is, it will ensure his financial responsibilities to his children are present and correct.

Once 'needs' are established - e.g. school fees, bills, mortgage payments, the rest is 'lifestyle'. He doesn't get to keep 100% if that, but clearly you can't claim 50% of it either. That's where it all gets very interesting.

I currently get 15% of my husband's income (following a interim hearing) - but that's more enough to keep the wolf from the door -but I can't afford a holiday, but it's still a lot more than minimum wage. This won't last forever, but until we finalise the divorce.

Ergo, until you divorce you are both obliged to maintain the norms of your marriage financially speaking. So if either of you start suddenly acquiring incurable shopping habits, or disposing of assets (or selling them for a £1 with a give back promise) you will suffer for it when it comes to the Final Order.

Do not start cutting the shirt sleeves. That too will get you in a lot of hot water.

So if your husband is threatening to cut you off now - or leave you with a lot less than you need (need not want!), then you too will apply for an interim hearing pending final order.

Divorce law is extremely complicated. You can afford a solicitor - and in fact looking at how naive your post is (and I mean this kindly - I could have written it myself a few months ago!), a solicitor is going to be the best decision you can make.

It does not make you a bitch. It forces you both to parent.

Parenting is not just kissing the kids goodnight. I'm sure YOU know that. HE, on the other hand, can fuck off.

I hope this helps.

I recommend you read 'Family Law' by Gordon and Slater. It explains things to the layman.

Every divorce is unique so what I get in my divorce may well be nothing like what you get in yours!

And when he's acting like a madman - I suggest you pop into my thread and write a Dear STBXH rant. It's rather therapeutic.

Take care, and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[WellWhoKnew]

PS if there has been DV, and you have reported it, then you may be eligible for legal aid.

I say this not actually knowing if that's a fact. My husband is a twat but not stupid enough to hit me. I also don't know that if you have that much by way of income, DV or otherwise, you would be entitled to legal aid.

[EarthWindFire]

There is no longer legal aid other than for DV cases, in divorce.

Low income no longer entitled you to legal aid.

You do need to see a solicitor. Each divorce is very different. Just because one person received something doesn't mean to say you will.

Of course your lifestyle will change. If you think about it one salary will have to finance two 'homes'.

You will be expected to maximise your own income and return to work even though you are used to not working.

[lavenderhoney]

I'm not surprised you had depression and anxiety tbh. Did you report the dv?

Have you seen a solicitor? You need to. Don't take his word for anything.

The divorce dissolves the marriage. The finances and child custody are worked out between you but if you can't agree or your solicitor advises you not to accept, it will go to court.

You definitely need a solicitor. One who is used to high earning dh and don't be shy to tell them not to assume you understand what they are saying.

He won't get full custody. He's just saying that- does he want to divorce or does he want to just legally separate? Or does he want to carry on as is?

[JumpRope]

Thanks all. Dh doesn't want to separate.

I haven't seen a sol yet. I did report two incidences of dv - he spent the night in cells once. But by no means all incidents.

[lavenderhoney]

Have you called women's aid? Or left a message and they call you back?

If you want to leave, he doesn't want you to and also there is dv, you're probably in an awful lot of danger and he isn't on your side at all, wrt leaving amicably/ changing lifestyles for you all. Wherever he tells you is going to be almost certainly not true, and to suit him.

You need a family lawyer who is used to cases involving dv. Call women's aid, they are for all women. And look at their website.

Youve made a decision to leave, but you will need the support of people ( family) and wa and you will get support on mn.

Its unlikely with his record of dv he would get full custody or even 50/50 but that's a long way away, what you need now is a strategy where you get out intact and don't go back.

Post on legal, divorce/ separation for some advice as well, and ask for recommendations of lawyers.

Report every incident now, of dv and keep a diary which he can't find of his behaviour from now on.

[Fairylea]

Start by ringing womens aid. They will be able to give you some support and advice.

The idea of "custody" is quite old fashioned now. You have a resident and non resident patent usually with 50/50 shared residence as the starting point the courts will argue from. However with him working away so much and the instances of domestic violence it is extremely unlikely he would get anywhere near 50/50.

If the dc are very young or have witnessed domestic violence you can even ask for there to be no contact on this basis or for contact to be held in a supervised mutual centre where you do not have to see him when dc are handed over to him, a third party social worker would do this.

(I used to volunteer for womens aid).

Definitely go and see a solicitor.

[lavenderhoney]

Op, I meant to say post on relationships as this is the divorce board:)

You'll get lots of sage advice from people who will be able to help you.