8 months' pregnant and found husband cheating

(20 Posts)
slminnie78 Thu 03-Jul-14 23:03:29

Hello, this is the first time I've ever written a request like this. I'm totally distraught as I've found out today that my husband has slept with another woman recently. I found a newly set up Skype and email account on his mac book today with a chain of emails to and from her.

She is working abroad for a few months and some of the contents were sexually explicit. It was clear they'd slept together a month or so ago and she kept reminding him to delete all the messages from his phone. I'm not sure who she is and if she is married too. Could be?!

When we started dating he had overlapped me with an ongoing affair with a married colleague. He denied everything until about 2 years ago. We decided to wipe the slate clean and start again. Since then we bought a house together and got married about 9 months' ago. I got pregnant immediately afterwards.

I have had work related depression on/off for the past 3 years and have eventually come off my medication. I'm just beginning to get my self-worth back and this has come as a shock to me. In every sense, I know it's over between us. To cheat on me whilst heavily pregnant; he has gone beyond-the-beyond. There's no turning back from that!

I'm really confused as to what to do next. Financially I'm in such a pickle... I won't receive any maternity pay from my employer as I've recently moved jobs so until I go back to work early next year I'm financially dependant upon him. Also our home is in his name only and we bought it as a doer-upper. It's still in a state and I've contributed a 10% deposit. It's still looks like a building site and it needs lots of work carried out. I'd love a clean break from him but need him financially over the next few months. My parents live miles away so I won't have the physical support to get me through the first few months after the baby is born.

Do I hang on to the house or request it be sold and the baby and I can start fresh closer to where I work?

I'm struggling - your thoughts would be really appreciated. Thanking you in advance xx

Opinionatedbugger Fri 04-Jul-14 07:32:55

Hi op I just wanted to ask if you are in the uk? If so you could go to the council and apply as homeless and you will probably get something fairly quickly. I know it's not ideal but it means you will be able to cut ties and break free of him. Or would it be an option to move back in with your parents ( I know you said they live quite a while away).

slminnie78 Sun 06-Jul-14 16:06:32

Hi there thanks for your reply. Yes I'm in England and have made an apt to see a lawyer regarding my rights. It is comforting to know that the state will look after you if life doesn't go to plan. Thanks very much for your support x

Opinionatedbugger Sun 06-Jul-14 22:23:25

Glad your seeking legal advice. Yes you will always get homeless accommodation and you would also be entitled to income support, while it's not ideal it's there until you figure things out. How are you feeling? Have you spoken to husband or are you waiting until you get legal advice? thanks

apermanentheadache Sun 06-Jul-14 22:28:15

Oh what an awful situation. You poor thing sad

I think you definitely need legal advice. I'm not at all sure you will get council housing unfortunatelly, but CAB will be able to help you on this. The fact the house is in his name only doesn't mean much if you are married. It's a marital asset.

Mini05 Sun 06-Jul-14 23:28:44

Have you told dh you have found him out? And your plans to leave.

If you are still going to go through with it, yes get some advice you can get 30 mins free advice.
Also look at private renting on gumtree or zoopla for your area. Not convinced you will get council house that easy because your homeless as they may send you to BB for weeks before your offered anything and then may not be where you want or what you want!

He will have to pay you maintence for yourself (as your not earning) and your child once born. As said you will get income support housing benefit, child tax credit.

Opinionatedbugger Mon 07-Jul-14 21:08:16

It will definately be at least a few weeks perhaps months but you will definately get a council house and they legally can't put a pregnant woman in a B and B so if you decide to go down the homeless route and you are offered a B and B remind them of this. You would prob end up in a hostel or a homeless house until suitable accomodation becomes available.

apermanentheadache Mon 07-Jul-14 21:54:48

I am not sure that is correct PP. I think they can actuallu accommodate pregnant women in b& bs for up to six weeks.
To make a homelessness application you need to have nowhere to live - and OP has a house albeit with dickhead 'd'p. Unfortunately.....

OP am not saying all this to discourage you but to urge you to get proper advice. Shelter ir a CAB can help.

How are you?

Opinionatedbugger Mon 07-Jul-14 22:00:02

I'm not sure how it works in England as I live in Scotland ( might be different ) but I've been through the homeless system myself and only learned about the B and B thing after having spent a few weeks in one.

apermanentheadache Mon 07-Jul-14 22:01:35

Yes, it's different in England. Housing policy is devolved. Hope you settled somewhere now OB.

Opinionatedbugger Mon 07-Jul-14 22:08:17

Yes have been for years now. It's a difficult time but worth it in the end. I always suggest council housing because it's so affordable but your right apermane it may not be a viable option. Op please check. Hope everything is going ok x thanks

slminnie78 Thu 10-Jul-14 22:16:29

Thank you for your helpful comments. I'm off to see a solicitor tomorrow and he doesn't know about it. I haven't spoken to him since the discovery - he works away during the week as he's in the military. I've now decided to remain put in the family home. Thank you once again everyone xx

slminnie78 Thu 10-Jul-14 22:17:01

Thank you for your helpful comments. I'm off to see a solicitor tomorrow and he doesn't know about it. I haven't spoken to him since the discovery - he works away during the week as he's in the military. I've now decided to remain put in the family home. Thank you once again everyone xx

apermanentheadache Thu 10-Jul-14 22:51:35

Best of luck, I hope the sol has some helpful advice. Stay strong flowers

Mini05 Thu 10-Jul-14 22:52:04

Good luck for Tomoz, write your questions that you want to know about down as you will forget some of the things you want answer for.
Get all the information together they may need to know

House price when bought/ worth now
Any assets , cars, pension,saving,isa how much he earns

Please carry on posting to let us know how you are getting on. X

I am afraid that is utter rubbish about housing from Councils.

LAs do not have an obligation to house anyone who has a home. As a married couple you both have a home you own to live in.

So that is not a route for you, unless there is a dv situation.

Speak to your solicitor.

Opinionatedbugger, don't spout bullshit as fact on serious threads.

jilted Wed 16-Jul-14 08:10:18

Slminni, so sorry for you. What at arse.
I've just recently left h with three kids under five and I'm still trying to find my feet financially so I don't know about much.
I am currently staying at my mums, I'll move out when I can.
The first thing I did was apply for income support and tax credits (lots of calling etc and you may have to stay on the phone for ages) try the benefits calculator online. Every penny will help at the moment.
I want to go down the private route for housing but that might be hard with 3 kids and me not in full time work. Just had to swallow my pride. I've never done benefits before and we didn't even get child benefit as h was over the 60,000 a year mark. But now we are 'separated' I have nothing. Life changes!! Now, I'm really glad of the help we can get here.

weatherall Wed 16-Jul-14 08:19:40

Cab will have more of the in of you need than a lawyer right now.

You can claim maternity allowance. It is the flat rate but you will have some income even if you've changed jobs.

Once the baby is born you can claim working and child tax credit and child benefit.

Will your dh be able to give you your 10% deposit back now?

You could use that to start again.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

JustPrivate Wed 16-Jul-14 19:43:54

What a horrible thing he has done to you.

Gather evidence of the affair, screenshots, record everything you can.
Perhaps Register you interest in the property with the Land Registry (sols will advise on this)
Make sure you get as much of his financial info as possible (copy bank statements, payslips, mortgage statements for example)
Know where your marriage certificate is and keep it safe

Vole3 Tue 22-Jul-14 06:29:45

Let your midwife know what's happened as if you and he have still been DTD, you will need STI screening prior to delivery to keep your baby safe.

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