Advice on mediation after seperation

(3 Posts)
ellenmg85 Sat 07-Jun-14 08:56:25

Hi, I seperated with my partner 6 months ago as it was a very bad relationship involving dv, as his aaggression n violence was only ever aimed at me I encouraged him to have a healthy relationship with our 2 children after the separation. He was always inconsistant, didn't do anything with them when he saw them eg sleeping during the contact for nursing hangovers etc. He only showed interest in them when he was trying to win me back, in March I was brutally honest to make it clear he would never get me back, with in days he got a new girlfriend n expected from day 1 he could involve her in the contact with our children, I suggested he should give the relationship more time before involving our children in something that could be over as quick as it started n actually speak to our daughter, my son is 1 so wouldn't understand, about his new relationship before involving her in his time wi kids. He ignored my suggestions n literally dropped the bomb shell onmy ddaughter n introduced them in the same day. She also has children who she hasn't got custody of, I've asked about this n been told its none of my business which I dont agree wi if she's having contact wi my children. When exchanging the kids he'd verbally abuse me in front of them n say things like I never even wanted them kids. No matter how much I tried to talk to him about my concerns of his behavior towards me n his lack of commitment to our children I never got anywhere, I suggested mediation but he refused. Things were going

ellenmg85 Sat 07-Jun-14 09:06:16

Sorry son pressed send :-\
From bad to worse so in fear of it all causing my children to be mentally damaged by it I wrote to him and told him until we had discussed everything in mediation n agreed stable contact wi the kids I didn't want him having direct contact wi them. He saw a solicitor who referred him to mediation, I have attended the assessment which cost me £100, I don't get maintenance from him for kids either. He is now saying he is going to refuse mediation to take me to court, how would that work when he has made the referral, I am happy to attend n the mediator said our case was perfect to resolve at that level, surely the courts shouldn't accept his application??
Please understand i have done everything to avoid cutting his contact wi the kids, this is not the route I wanted to take I jus want him to have a healthy relationship wi our children but unfortunately that has not been the case.
Thank you

creativevoid Sat 07-Jun-14 21:00:41

Don't go to mediation with someone who is abusive. This is standard advice, which I ignored because I thought I could handle it, wanted to minimise conflict, etc. you can't reason with an unreasonable person (which he clearly is), so don't waste time and money trying.

That being said any court case will be around the welfare of the children, and the case will be about balancing the reality of their father's twattish behaviour with their need to have a relationship with their father. It will not look good if you prevent the children from seeing their father. Can you find a way for him to see them without the girlfriend? Via a contact centre, or a trusted relative?

I'd advise you to have all discussions about this in writing (e-mail) so you can demonstrate that you've explained your concerns and tried to come up with solutions which address them but still enable your children to see their father.

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