Separation advice

(14 Posts)
Middledaughter Thu 29-May-14 16:37:15

I have been posting for a while in relationships mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2051961-If-I-can-accept-that-I-am-causing-him-to-drink about my marriage which has collapsed.

I would like to separate because I am miserable and because it is a bad atmosphere for our two children (2.5 and nearly 4). I can go to my parents in the short term but would leaving put me in a difficult position legally. Ie taking the children away from him or reduce my rights to our jointly owned home. I am desperate to stay in our house to minimise the upheaval for the children but I am fairly sure he won't go. I can't even have a conversation about separating without him blowing up and saying I'm emotionally blackmailing him.

I work at home 3 days a week with occasional trips away, have a nanny based at home and our eldest starts school in Sept getting on the bus from our village. Both kids have really good friends there too so they will be very upset to leave.

I have a solicitors appt booked but it has been moved to next week. In the initial meeting we discussed the collaborative law process for separation which sounds great but not so easy if I can't discuss it with DH at all.

In the long run I can buy him out I think. He owns a flat which is tenanted at the moment but he could move back into or e could rent elsewhere.

Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I should prepare for the meeting with the solicitor.

Thanks very much

soames95 Thu 29-May-14 18:57:49

I left the family home with my 2 children when my marriage broke down. My solicitor took the matter straight to court to show that his unreasonable behavior had caused us to vacate the marital home (because of the emotional trauma to the children) The court ordered he leave within 4 weeks so that the children and I could return and reside in the property until the matter of finances and division of assists were agreed. So the court was only interested in the children's welfare. The solicitor took it straight to court as letters back and forward to him would take too long and the children needed to be back in their routine asap. Not sure if that helps?

Middledaughter Thu 29-May-14 20:17:07

Thanks Soames. That really does help. i would happily be out for 4 weeks if it meant being back in the house after that. The atmosphere is bad here and he is drinking quite a lot but he is not being cruel to the children only to me! Which diminishes my ability to be a good Mum. If I avoid all conversation he won't be mean to me either.

Was your husband being unkind to your children hence you leaving? Or was it just general unreasonable behaviour? Please don't feel you need to say of you don't feel comfortable.

Thanks very much.

PureTree Thu 29-May-14 20:54:41

Hello middledaughter

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. You may have grounds to apply for an occupation order which would give you the right to occupy the home to his exclusion. When you see your Solicitor next week I am sure he/she will be able to help further.

soames95 Thu 29-May-14 21:18:13

No he wasn't mean to the children at all, in fact he became 'super dad,' he was just foul and aggressive to me; very similar to what you describe. He expected me to leave him alone to do as he pleased. He was having an affair and wouldn't move out even though his girlfriend wanting him to move in with her. At the time it was truly horrendous so I feel for you. But your situation, like mine was won't last forever. Anyway, the solicitor and court agreed the children were victims of domestic abuse because they were living in a 'hostile' environment and so were not emotionally safe. It was so much quicker applying for a court order to get him out and get the children back home. Otherwise you are at the mercy of paper/mediation letters/meetings all which he will want on his terms and rely on him being reasonable, and/or replying/turning up which mine didn't/wouldn't. My advice is to explore this option with your solicitor before you leave and don't be pressured to consider him, focus on the children and make that the crux of your action. My solicitor was a woman, not a man hater, but realistic which I liked. I have know of people who have had letters going back and forwards for years without a resolution. The court is there if you can't agree and given you have tried to converse with him you can evidence his unwillingness to resolve the matter and so need the courts interference for the best interests of the children. Having said I would never date let alone marry again I am very happily remarried. The world is much brighter on the other side, I hope that gives you hope too :0) ... incidentally I got to keep the house and didn't lose anything financially for having left for just over a month.

Middledaughter Thu 29-May-14 22:09:23

God poor you. Can't believe he had another woman on the go too! I just feel like I am going mad. He's not stopping drinking because I won't address my 'anger issues' said while yelling at me! Apparently I need to 'man the f**k up and deal with my issues. Stop my little woman complex! I'm so used to this its almost normal

I just want to get away as our relationship is non existent. Just row or avoiding each other.

I will discuss with the solicitor next week.

Thank you again. In particular for the happy ending!! You've really cheered me up.

soames95 Thu 29-May-14 22:22:51

Lol at the time I thought poor me too! If you can put blame to one side and focus on getting a peaceful home for the children it might make it easier. I found that was the only way not to get bitter :0) Good luck

Middledaughter Fri 30-May-14 16:24:23

After another mega row last night I spoke to the solicitor and he suggested a bit of time away so I have taken the children to my parents at least for the weekend. DH is furious I've gone with the kids. He said I did not have his permission. I understand he is hurt. I would be but I can't see another option at the moment.

Noregrets78 Fri 30-May-14 21:56:20

You do not need his permission. Think I've posted the same thing on another board! My XH was all about this too. it's about control. Think of it as 'I have not permitted this, does not compute.' No grounding in reality. He will be fuming, stay safe. If / when you do talk to him about it, don't take the kids with you.

Middledaughter Sat 31-May-14 13:06:45

He's just texted to say. You do what you like with the kids this weekend. I'm going to take them to my Mum (6 hour drive away) next weekend.

I'm not happy with this. I have suggested he see the children this weekend and he has rejected the opportunity. Plus his car cannot take two car seats only one so it would not be safe for him to drive such a long trip with one wedged in the back.

Can I tell him I'm not happy with that?

soames95 Sat 31-May-14 17:55:10

Can you offer to swap cars so he can go to his mums and the kids will travel safely (presuming you have another car) It is reasonable that he wants to get away and be with his family as you have this weekend. If you have no worries he will harm the children you must evidence a willingness to help him see his children.

Middledaughter Sat 31-May-14 23:26:15

Not really with the car as I live in a very rural area but might be able to. Will look into it thanks. I have asked twice if he'd like to see them this weekend and he's said he's busy! So not that desperate to see them.....

Soames your advice has really helped me. I'm going to talk to the solicitor on Monday about a similar approach. Thank you again.

summerflower Mon 02-Jun-14 06:41:56

If he is unco-operative, collaborative law is a non-starter. From experience, I know that they can stall, be hostile, and abuse the process, all perfectly legally. For it to work, you need both parties to be on board.
I have been in the collaborative process for over six months now and quite frankly, I would not do it again.
With an abusive partner, collaborative law is a non-starter, in my opinion.

summerflower Mon 02-Jun-14 06:47:29

As for the 6 hour drive, the advice I got re my own travel was that for small children the journey has to be proportionate to the time away, so a six hour trip one way for a weekend away is disproportionate with a 2.5 year old. He can see the children without taking them on a six hour trip.

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