Truth wanted.Advice about what I have done wrong in my marriage.

(48 Posts)
flopseyR72 Sat 19-Apr-14 11:36:04

Sorry. I feel very unhappy at the moment and guilty wondering what I have done wrong in life. Feel quite alone and think there is something wrong with my personality. Im looking for some advise from others about what I have done wrong in my marriage. Sorry its along story.

My husband is 14 years older with two teenage children. We have been married three years. We didn’t know each other long before we married. He is often nice/generous financially/ and is work focused and a successful professional. We have fallen out as I wanted a child of my own but he has now refused for reasons which are not nice like we are not compatible the marriage is not strong, I am not motherly enough to his teenage children.

Soon after marrying it became apparent that my husband doesn’t like several aspects of my personality ( I am a little quite/introverted). Often he is angry at me and I walk on egg shells around what I can say and do. He is always threatening me with divorce even on our honeymoon. He tells me I am inadequate, crazy have mental health issues. He calls me immature. He shouts in my face and kicks furniture in front of me. He tells me that I am a terrible step mum. He says I am not nice to him and ungrateful and negative. That I am lazy and have a poor work ethic.( I work full time and am professional). Everytime we try to work it out it is only after a lengthy lecture on all my behaviors and traits for several hours........often resulting in me being told to stay sitting and talk to him for hours/stoping me sleeping etc. He has made me write manifestos saying how I promise to be the perfect wife.

Also he ha given me a ultimatum to give up wanting children or leave him. When I became pregnant (baby was lost) he was very angry at me he never wanted the baby when I was upset he is just angry and tells me to get over it as it was just a feteus with no soul that god didn't think was a good idea.

The thing is I love him and written things/agree to do things just to keep the peace. I wanted things to work out. However I don’t mean what I write and I am keeping a lot of anger inside about him patronizing and controlling me. I have kept my life and work separate from his to try to maintain my independence only because of his constant threats of divorce. What can I do as if I try to confront him with my true thoughts he goes crazy and tells me that I am mentally ill and that this is sick,negative depressive thoughts interpreting his perfect behavior as a negative thing? He has screemed at me to leave/thrown me out of the house on several occasions. I have big decision to make. My husband says if I don’t join him in USA by end of April he will divorce me. However I I don’t know if I trust him. He says he has done 100% nothing wrong. I don’t know if I have been doing things wrong and my failing marriage is all my fault as he says it is.

Any comments appreciated. Feeling really low about everything. Im now 40 and just don't have any hope left. I think maybe he is right if I wasn't as he said I was why would I be in this situation at 40.

Thanks for listening.

There will be wiser people along to help you but from what you say I would run for the hills. He is controlling and bullying you. Nothing you do will ever be right in his eyes. Having said that the fault is not with you, it is with him.
Please do not go to USA with him. You will be isolated there.
Good luck

You are worth so much more than this man! He has ground you down to believe you're worthless and deserve to be treated as such. Do not move to the U.S under any circumstances.

I know you long for a baby but this man is abusive and would be no father for your child, if he let you have one.

Walk away. It's not you. It's him.

Snapespeare Sat 19-Apr-14 11:51:19

I'd pre-empt his ultimatum and divorce him myself.

He wont change his mind about having children with you. You are 40. If you have a pregnancy, it's likely he will leave you - so you will either be a single mother (nothing wrong with that at all) or childless and with this man that you tip-toe around because you don't want to upset him and who makes you write long lists of contrition for the foreseeable future. That sounds horrible.

I dont think you have done anything wrong, other than marry this shit in the first place. Did you discuss children before marriage?

Betrayedbutsurvived Sat 19-Apr-14 11:51:59

Good grief, he's a bullying, controlling selfish arse. He will be doing you a massive favour if he divorces you. Run for the hills.

FastWindow Sat 19-Apr-14 11:55:14

Can someone please link to the thing on gaslighting for the op?

What a nasty piece of work he sounds...

You've done nothing wrong op. Get thee to a solicitor and... Ltb. (my first, but not lightly said.)

flopseyR72 Sat 19-Apr-14 12:40:26

thanks. he also has some good points, he can be kind and loving. he is nice in between his crazy rants. he says he loves me then treats me like above and says some unreliably horrible things. we did discuss children before he said maybe and he wouldn't want to loose me if i wanted to be a mother. i now know i was stupid not to have this as a firm agreement (hindsight is 20/20). he says he has changed his mind now because he didn't know what i was like, says i am not motherly enough to his teenage children, that we are not compatible and it's not his problem. he says get over it or leave.

LadyCybilCrawley Sat 19-Apr-14 12:55:03

No loving partner treats their spouse like he treats you. The examples you give a jaw- droppingly awful. Makes you write a manifesto? That's horrid. Truly terrible. Your description is not of a loving marriage and equal partnership. Get out now (and I never say that)

How did you meet? Were you in different countries before you were married?

flopseyR72 Sat 19-Apr-14 12:56:30

We met at work. He was my boss. He laid on the love thick at first. I guess someone asking you to marry them in first month of meeting them should have been a warning.

LadyCybilCrawley Sat 19-Apr-14 13:18:36

Hmmm is he still your boss? Are you in the uk? Has he moved to America?

I am sorry you are going thru this love but you need to know the way he is treating you is not ok on any level

Look up gas lighting and what it means

flopseyR72 Sat 19-Apr-14 13:21:11

He's in USA. I'm here. Its very confusing. I'm really worried he is right and I am a terrible and difficult person to live with. I always thought I was easy going but now I feel like I must be a terrible person.

LadyCybilCrawley Sat 19-Apr-14 13:22:42

But he was in the uk when you met?

How long between meeting and marriage and how long have you been married?

LadyCybilCrawley Sat 19-Apr-14 13:25:23

Just because another person says something doesn't make it the truth - he can say lots of things for lots of reasons - does not mean you are a bad person at all

Truly, no loving partner does what you describe he does

flopseyR72 Sat 19-Apr-14 13:31:49

We both met in UK. No idea of going to US at that time. We knew each other for about 6 months before marriage. We have only been married three years. thanks for your help.

He sounds a vile nasty bully. Run for the hills - him going to the USA sounds ideal to make a break. Honestly get out, you're 40, make it a time of new beginnings, don't waste any more time with this specimen.

LadyCybilCrawley Sat 19-Apr-14 13:36:16

Ah you poor live - honestly I'd take this opportunity to run

Don't go to the USA - take the divorce - and KNOW that he is an ass

And then get a bit of counseling my live so you can repair the damage he has done to your self esteem

If my husband suggested I write a manifesto on being a perfect wife the only thing I would do with it would be to smack him over the head with it smile

LadyCybilCrawley Sat 19-Apr-14 13:39:33

Oh and there is no such thing as perfection in marriage - we love each other in-spite and often because of these "failures"

The only relationship worthy of your time and energy is the one where you can be loved and respected for who you truly are

creativevoid Sat 19-Apr-14 20:52:14

This guy is emotionally abusive, and yes, proposing within a month of meeting IS a red flag. Please read "why Does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. You will understand how you are being manipulated and controlled. Let go of the dream you have about your future (baby with this guy as the loving father/husband) and accept reality - he will never treat you well, it is HIM, not you, and RUN for the hills.

I am sorry you are going through this but I have been there and I can promise you it will be so much better when you get out of it.

JustSquirted Sat 19-Apr-14 21:19:15

I think you should divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. I don't say this lightly.
Writing a manifesto? Wtf?
It's not you, it's him.

Molly333 Sat 19-Apr-14 23:08:45

Oh my god ! You are being utterly abused . You need to look into abusive men ( I know it took me years to realise it), you hv to tell yr story to women's aid and hear what they say and please please please listen or there will be nothing or your personality left in this x

flopseyR72 Sun 20-Apr-14 12:57:35

thanks for all your support and for taking time to reply to my post. Very hard to make sense of everything.

FrontForward Sun 20-Apr-14 13:01:29

Life is hard enough without having someone in your life that doesn't love you, cherish you and value you. He's a bully and you'd be much happier without him. I can hear this underlying fear of being 40 and alone but being 40 and downtrodden is far worse. You've lost confidence and perspective. It won't get better. He is the problem, not you

kalidanger Sun 20-Apr-14 13:32:51
flopseyR72 Sun 20-Apr-14 14:36:40

Hi thanks I've stated to read the pages you gave. His behaviour does not seem as bad as other peoples experiences and descriptions of emotional abuse. I was never scared of him hitting me etc. Just scared of his anger and him abandoning me. He always said I was the most annoying person he ever was in a relationship with, that noone else had ever made him angry. Thats whats confusing. Will read the pages you sent thanks for your help.

MountainGoatee Sun 20-Apr-14 15:07:51

I second reading Lundy Bancroft, it's very illuminating about exactly this sort of behaviour. Of course he's nice to you sometimes, that's to keep you off balance and emotionally reliant on him.

If you were really as bad he keeps telling you that you are why hasn't he left you already? It's because there is actually nothing wrong with you, you're perfect for him because he gets a kick out of being emotionally abusive and you, being a nice person, fulfill what he wants be being hurt and trying to do the impossible things he wats from you.

He probably will divorce you if you don't go to the USA because he's probably missing having a convenient person to vent his spleen on.

Do you know why his previous relationship broke down? Not his version, the real reason?

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