Dcs dad gone back to Middle East and wants to cut them off

(20 Posts)
DippyDoohDahDay Thu 20-Feb-14 11:05:10

My sons are 4 and 6, one with aspergers. Their dad returned to Middle East three months ago, called a few times, never set up Skype, was very abusive to me, then changed his number and his ignored them for the last two months. I got a friend who speaks his language to call his family home yesterday..I think she spoke to his mum, who said he does not want any contact, do not ask or call again.
My sons miss their dad (we divorced a year ago but things bad for the last 4 years)...how honest should I be, what do I say? Anyone have experience of this?
Thanks in advance.

NigellasDealer Thu 20-Feb-14 11:07:37

he might have had another wife there all along.
heartbreaking for your boys though.
no suggestions except not to be rude about him in front of them if you can possibly help it.

NigellasDealer Thu 20-Feb-14 11:08:07

ooh you must be angry

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 20-Feb-14 11:11:11

If he has another wife then it's another person to mess up.
I just don't know if honesty is the best policy, but then I have very little to go on.

Farrowandbawl Thu 20-Feb-14 11:39:36

Your sons will continue to miss him for a while yet but it will get easier for them.

The saying "time is a great healer " is true in this case.

My two used to get upset at my ex not contacting them, 3 years down the line they are so used to it, they don't even make the effort themselves half of the time. There's the odd day where it feels as though they'll ever get over it, but most of the time they are ok...

Gunznroses Thu 20-Feb-14 11:48:37

Suppose it could be worse, he could take the boys with him to the Midddle East and then cut off with no contact!
It's sad and horrible for the boys but you will get through this rough patch, i believe he will rear his ugly head again one day just when you've all moved on, happy with your lives (as they often do!) but for now just shower your boys with as much love as you can. Have you got family round you?

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 20-Feb-14 12:14:17

Thanks for replies. I am lucky I have fab parents and my dad is a great father figure.
I too believe he will show up again as we settle...he ignored them for three months a couple of years ago, just to punish me and make a point. He will come back one day, and expect to just pick them up and put them down according to him. Unsettling.

MadIsTheNewNormal Thu 20-Feb-14 12:45:11

I remember you. From what you've said in the past I cannot understand why you are not jumping for joy that he's gone. He was violent, bad tempered, unpredictable, a liar, emotionally abusive, and hooked on cannabis, remember? And if you don't want him to turn up again out of the blue then you know what you need to do. He claimed fake asylum, got leave to remain and claimed benefits while working cash in hand last time, and then got a fake UK passport so he could go back and forth from Iran without question. And you had the thread deleted when people starting saying you should report him.

He is not interested in your children, only in himself. The minute you divorced he checked out mentally from the responsibility of a family, because suddenly there was nothing in it for him, financially.

Why have you been trying to phone him? to say what? He told you he'd leave and never look back, and he has. What are you hoping he will say/do? confused

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 20-Feb-14 12:54:21

I had it deleted as I did not want too much personal info on it, that's why I kept it vague this time. I'm not hoping for anything apart from him never coming back. If you recall, what could I report with no name, travel date or airport info?
I have called when my children asked me to.
That's what this thread was about, them.

MadIsTheNewNormal Thu 20-Feb-14 13:15:32

I'm sorry but I struggle to believe that, even if you are doing a good job of convincing yourself it's true. There was nothing on there that would have identified you or your children, but there was enough to incriminate him and to alert the authorities to what he was up to. People were getting the hump with you facilitating and tolerating his lies and his fraud, and for ignoring what he was about to do, on a false passport. That's why you had it deleted.

Anyway, the children. Given that he sounds absolutely awful I think it would be best if you explain to your children that they will probably never see him again. And then just stop mentioning him, unless they do, in which case respond to their questions in as gentle but firm and succinct way you can manage, and just move on. It won't be easy but it's better than the alternative.

All the while you keep him alive and well in their heads and hearts they will wait agonisingly for a phone call or a knock on the door. It would be better if they could just be given a chance to forget him altogether. After all - you are never going to let them go to Iran to visit him are you? not if you have any sense and want to see them again. And if he comes back to the UK what then? More shouting at them? , shaking them, lack of patience and denail of your son's Aspergers? While he languishes here on a false passport, claiming benefits and smoking weed?

The reality is he will never be a proper decent father to them, so it's kinder to nip it in the bud while they are young enough to forget.

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 20-Feb-14 13:24:17

I'm not going to debate why I had the thread deleted. I also know I did not have enough information to report anything, I got some advice on that from someone who works for immigration.
Anyway, no I am never taking them over there.
I don't keep his memory alive and well, they do that as, the younger one particularly, just has positive memories of Sunday daddy. Not so much the older ds.
Just feel a big mean saying they will never see their daddy...especially if he rocks up again in a year. Damage limitation I guess.

bibliomania Thu 20-Feb-14 13:30:13

Hi Dippy, I remember you. No need to go over your old thread, but I'm with Mad, in that you should be delighted with this outcome.

You don't need to make any big dramatic statements about never seeing their daddy. Just be matter-of-fact. If you don't when he'll be in touch, it's fine to say you don't know. What else is there to say? It is what it is. You can't make it "better" for your dcs by finding the right formula to explain it, and if you make explanations up, you risk confusing the dcs and making it worse.

nicename Thu 20-Feb-14 13:44:45

Poor you and poor kids. Well, he has shown his true colours. Make sure that there is no coming back for him from this - he can't just saunter back into the kids lives when he feels like it.

Ensure that you have full custody and that he cannot gain custody of the children should he want to in the future. I would not take them to visit any time in the future wither - I am not sure about the country but in most ME places the father has priority in custody cases.

Be honest with the kids - the last thing you want is for them to hate the idiot (he is still their bio dad - who wants to feel that they have crap genes?) or b) feel that you have in some way deprived them of Dad of the Year.

Meglet Thu 20-Feb-14 13:53:03

Leave it. Don't contact him by phone, e-mail or post.

The sooner the DC's get used to him not being around the easier it will be. Please don't waste your time dragging it out and raising their hopes of contact.

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 20-Feb-14 13:59:57

I don't have any plans to contact now. I wanted to know for the dc ?..l think this is as concrete as it's going to get..for now. I also wanted to be able to say to them, when they are older, that if did try to keep a dialogue between them. But it's probably his condemnatory voice in my head that has driven that for me, fear of what he will say to them in the future.
But now it's just me and them, so we can get on with our family. I will try and be as brief as possible, I have been anyway, just didn't know if I was missing something.

starlight1234 Thu 20-Feb-14 14:07:20

I don't know last thread so my comment are simply are what are here...My DS hasn't seen DS since 3..he was not been able to see him unsupervised since he was weeks old...

I answered at the level I needed to..I have told him if he wants to see DS it is something he has to sort out...He has needed to know more as he got older...

It sounds like his move is a good one for your family but that doesn't mean your LO's will understand that..I would be honest... Daddy is living in another country now... very factual and unemotional

nicename Thu 20-Feb-14 14:08:07

I would write it all down for now, so that when they ask you in the future you haven't just blanked it all out. You don't need to give them the full gory details but this is so that you don't forget his actions.

He has made it clear that he wants to close the door (well, slam it really). He may change his mind, and it is 100% up to you how you handle that, or his family might want to have some contact now/in the future. Again, it is up to you if you want to allow that in any form.

Kids will ask questions. Be as bland and non committal as you can about him, his family, country and culture. Its not about you or them, it's all on him.

I'm sorry he turned out to be such an idiot. But I suppose a few thousand miles between you is a bit of a blessing. Is he able to come over without a letter if invitation?

Minesota Thu 20-Feb-14 15:41:51

Your dcs will not condem you if you are telling them the truth as it happens. Atm the truth is that you don't know when their dad is going to ring and you can't ring him because you have novtel number. Stay factual, don't involve emotions (it's not fair, your dad is being an arse, I am so sad for you, you must be hurting so much etc...). Just state the facts and be as matter if fact as possible.
If your dcs do make a comment about how sad they are, acknowledge their feelings but don't comment about his behaviour. They will work it put on their own.

And from what you said so far, you are doing great!

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 20-Feb-14 22:45:26

Thanks everyone that's really helpful x
I don't know how easy it would be for him to come back, it took him years to get back home and I'm not sure about his passport type, so I think he will be gone for this year if not longer.
Factual and honest without being emotive, yes. I may post a new thread/ speak to a contact at social services if he does turn up though, as that would be rough. But for now, life can get better.

DippyDoohDahDay Sat 15-Mar-14 20:40:02

Hi again. Ex h has just called, after months of nothing, from Middle East saying he is returning to England in a few weeks to see boys and me, but will not be staying for very long as he is broken hearted and it's too hard to build a life here.
I am going to speak to solicitor about flight risk with dc. I also have a contact at social services so was thinking of sounding her out too. Any other advice? Him cutting them off was crap but this, well I don't want yo yo lives either!

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