How long is reasonable to wait for a response to a letter?

[movingon]

My husband ended our 16 year marriage just before christmas. This was out of the blue and left me in pieces. We have 3 children aged 10, 13, and 15. Over Christmas he bombarded me with texts and emails and would turn up at the house demanding I sit down and finalise our financial arrangements and access to the kids. At the time I said I was too upset to sit down with him and that I wanted time to consult a solicitor etc and consider my options. I've now managed to do this and am now keen to sort things out but I'd rather do it via email so we have written copies of what is said and I think I'd just fall apart if I tried to do it face to face.

We have lots of debts and a house with a huge mortgage and little equity. I really don't want to leave the house and move the kids away from their home. I've spoken to the bank and can just about sort out having the mortgage in my name which I will be tough but I can afford to pay it. Obviously I will need to give him some equity and transfer the deeds. I can't afford 50% but then I'm left with a building site and 3 kids so I think thats fair enough and have made him what I consider to be a reasonable offer. I've also suggested that we share out the debts etc in a reasonable fair way rather than trying to pay everything off which will take more work financially. At the moment he is paying some money each month for child maintenance and mortgage looking at what the CSA say he should pay then he is only paying 1/3 of the mortgage not half. He says he can't afford to rent anywhere although he has a much bigger salary than me. I'm hoping all of these things will encourage him to accept my offer and then we can all move on.

I wrote to him last week and sent the letter attached to an email. He responded immediately in a slightly hostile way saying the house must be worth more as we have spent money on it even though it looks worse than when we bought it and we have made not major improvements since we bought it 2 years ago. But there has been silence since.

How long is it reasonable to have to give him to respond to my letter? He is adamant he wants to separate and so I would like to gets things sorted but what if he just ignores my letter now? I'd like to avoid the expense of solicitors if we can but how long before I think about taking things further and if he does respond and agree is it sufficient to draft our own separation agreement or do we have to use a solicitor for that? I don't want him able to turn round with a claim on the house when we do eventually divorce

Many thanks, so many questions......

[millymolls]

DO NOT agree to anything until you have sought legal advice. Please get a solicitor and let them deal with all correspondence. He may well not be entitled to 50% of equity and the debts also form part of the marital pot. Not sure if he has a pension but you may be entitled to some of this or may be able to secure higher % of the house by forgoing this.
I agree to trying to work things out if possible but it is likely that in your case a solicitor will be money well spent. Its not about fleecing him or taking him to the cleaners - its about protecting yours and your childrens future, and receiving a fair share of the assets. Please dont be rushed into signing or agreeing with anything that may be detrimental to your share.

[movingon]

I have seen a solicitor. She said that if it went to court they'd pay off all the debts (most are his so feels unfair if I get pulled into paying half of them off). House could be sold to clear debts but then there would be noting left to use a deposit of somewhere else and I couldn't afford anywhere else round here. Alternative would be for court to make him pay half mortgage for next 8 yrs until youngest 18 and then sell house. But I don't want to stay here that long and then have to leave. Also house needs loads of work. I don't want to do work for him to benefit in long run. Would rather take on house now so he can't keep using selling the house as a threat to me and the kids. Its a lot to take on but its our home and we'd never find anywhere else like this. Both me and the kids are surrounded by good friends which is so important so don't want to leave - this is my forever home. So now I'd like to sort out the finances and have offered him almost 30% of the equity if he agrees to keep his share of the debts and I keep mine (his are bigger than mine but he earns more). That way we keep the debts away from the house. Neither of us has pensions we can claim from the others so thats simple too. He's always been terrible with money so I'd like to be separate from him in that department as soon as possible. I don't really want to rush into divorce although I can't see me ever taking him back after what he's done and he's showing no indication of wanting to come back anyway. I just want to feel secure in the house with my kids. Its just frustrating that after harrassing me initially now that I'm ready to "talk" he's gone all quiet.

[millymolls]

based on my own experiences letters can go unanswered or no response for weeks and months on end unfortunately.
Personally i would use a solicitor to draft and word any agreements - would not want to run the risk that for example i thought i had a clean break but then years later find out because of mis wording he could make a claim.
I expect your ex is not responding now because its not on his terms or you are showing that you wont be dictated to....

[movingon]

Have got his responses.

He is insisting everything will be 50:50 so I will be saddled with 50% of his debts. He wants me to pay a chunk of equity now but another huge chunk later on as he insists the house is worth far more than it is.

He reckons his solicitor has told him he only needs to pay child maintenance and not half the mortgage as well as he's not living here.

The only way to deal with this is to go to court which will probably mean I will loose the house. I am devastated. I feel I may as well pursue divorce on grounds on unreasonable behaviour if this is going to happen.

Feel like my world has fallen apart all over again

[millymolls]

really sorry that this is happening. Do not feel bullied by him. As you earn less than him and have 3 children you have a very high chance of receiving more than 50%. You could also push for spousal maintenance as well as child maintenance. You could even argue you will accept a higher lump sum % in exchange for dropping spousal maintenance claim.

His solicitor will be telling him one thing, but this is why you need your solicitor to fight your own corner. Regarding house valuation, loook on rightmove or zoopla (assume you are in UK), you can also get some independant house valuations.

You are unlikely to lose the house if i) you can afford to remortgage (with maintenance and other income) ii) its not deemed to big for your needs. Courts may deem you defer his equity lump sum until youngest is 18 to provide them stability.

Just because he wants /insists/his solicitor says something does not make it true. Please hold your own corner.

[movingon]

Thank-you millymols. Will get agent to value house. Its a "unique" property so hard to value. We were the only ones to put an offer when we bought it as it needs lots of work. He's insisting it must be worth much more than we bought it for 2 years ago as we've done lots of work but actually we've just pulled it apart and made it more of a building site.

He's now saying he doesn't have to pay his half of the mortgage as he's not living here even though he stays here 3 nights a week while I work shifts and he contributes nothing towards the bills but uses everything when here. He's been paying 30% of mortgage since he left. I had to phone in sick today as I couldn't bear the thought of him being in my house but I'm due at work again Wednesday night. What age can I legally leave my kids at night? Not that i want to!

Will go back to my solicitor but am just afraid I will start something I then can't stop. Which is ok if it works in my favour in the long-term but what if it doesn't.

I just can't beleive someone can change so quickly.