Will I ever get over him?

(14 Posts)
Florabella22 Sat 18-Jan-14 21:07:39

I posted recently about my impending divorce papers reaching my stbxh and how sad this made me feel. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get over him, I know that if he walked into the house tomorrow saying he'd made a huge mistake I'd be the happiest girl in the world. We've been separated for 9 months & I still think of him what feels like every minute of every day. I miss him so much it hurts. We separated because of what seemed like a mid life crisis on his part - no longer wanting to be part of family life, illicit texting a work colleague & saying he'd fallen out of love with me. I still don't feel any hatred towards him and would welcome him back with open arms. I started divorce proceedings to allow me to get over him but nowI fear I never will and I'm ruining any chance of us reconciling. It's such a terrible position to be in.
He's never shown any wish for reconciliation and has started a new single life of his own but when he's at the house with the dd's we fall into such a familiar pattern that feels so natural.
Am I clutching at straws?

Minime85 Sat 18-Jan-14 22:04:30

really feel for you and to some extent I'm in your shoes a few months behind. I don't think I will ever 100% get over it. that a bit of me will always be broken. I do hope in time I will heal enough to see a new image of my family unit and that it works just as well but in a different way.

he will always be the father of my children and for good and bad reasons we will always be linked. its not helping now in terms of getting over the loss of what we had and memories we could have made but I hope in time it will. for you too. x

Florabella22 Sat 18-Jan-14 22:18:03

Hi mini, I'm so sorry you're going through this too, it's truly been the worst experience of my life. I know there's very little anyone can say to take the pain away. I really hope time is a healer for you. I dread that this will never happen for me and I'll be left behind always wondering what might have been if I'd hung on a bit longer and waited for him. If only we could jump forward in time and see ourselves smiling at the end of this ordeal. I genuinely wish you the best xx

Minime85 Sun 19-Jan-14 07:38:42

I think you are doing the right thing in trying to find ways to move on and like u say work towards those smiling images of the future, they will exist I'm sure of it. what's frustrating as it sounds the sane for you too is that he has left and left it up to me to make the solicitor moves etc. they seem to have their cake and eat it: still getting nice bits of dcs and single life to please themselves etc..

try and get things planned on the calendar for fun things for u and dcs only to make new memories and new traditions.

can he see dcs somewhere else so u font have to see him so much? I found my ex being in my house really annoying and uncomfortable as it was hard to try and get my head around it with him there so much. now I've trued to still be friendly but him to be here as little as possible and see dcs at his new house. I hate I'm having to give them up but try and see positives in time I get to myself that I never had before.

as my DM keep s telling me, its still early days, and it is for you too. a new reality will settle, although sometimes I still sit there and think, is this really what has happened. thanks

Minime85 Sun 19-Jan-14 07:40:06

sorry about so many typos...blame my phone smile

Florabella22 Thu 23-Jan-14 00:40:24

Found out this evening he's been seeing the person he was illicitly texting. He claims it was around 4 months after we separated but I don't believe him.
Turns out this is the way I'll be getting over him - Ive always maintained the minute he cheated our marriage would be over.
So here starts the next chapter, he's actually given me the tools to get over him. Who'd have thought.

But I have to say hearing those words I actually felt my heart break.

Joy5 Thu 23-Jan-14 18:49:42

I'm 2 years down the line from my ex walking out. He claimed there was no one else but of course there was.

Think the best advice i got was to go no contact. That was easy once i got brave enough to say he wasn't welcome in my home any longer due to his endless anger towards me.

Was doing really well, not seen him in person for well over a year, but had to see him in the family courts earlier this month.

Its still early days for you, i wouldn't worry too much about it physically hurting, its not easy feeling so much hurt, but think its best to just go through the pain, and eventually come out the other side, being totally sorted about whats happened. Everyone i know who has been through this, tells me i will get to the stage where life is ok again, it just takes time to get there.

Sending hugs, wouldn't wish this on anyone.

canttypefortears Sun 26-Jan-14 22:32:47

Im so sorry for you. My husband told me he no longer loves me on christmas day! I had absolutely no idea. Im in shock, we had no obvious problems. Looking back in hindsight I can see minor issues but not deal breakers! He left 2 weeks ago and has already organised having the house valued and pushing forvdivorce. All without giving us and our family a chance.

I miss him, I love him and I cant see myself getting over hin EVER. I do realise its very early days for me and you are 9 months in. But when they are the love of your life, your best friend, the father of your babies and your whole world how can you just stop loving? The gut wrenching pain?

Im hoping its not an ow but as ive already been told time and time again alot points in that direction.Im still on the fence and feel a type of breakdown is more likely?

Like you although I dont want to be walked over, used or abused I would take him back in a heartbeat.

Joy5 Mon 27-Jan-14 12:27:00

Canttypefortears
Christmas Day! Its bad enough any day, but even worse then.

Mine also pushed for a house sale and divorce, but looking back he was making promises to the OW about buying a house for her, and divorce was just so i couldn't file on grounds of his adultary. Think it made his mum feel better that he divorced me on my unreasonable behaviour however untrue it was. am in the middle of court action so still don't know if i can stay in the family home or not.

Don't think we'll ever get over the father of our children leaving us, and especially in the way they leave, being so nasty towards us. But 2 years and a bit on, i might not have chosen this life, but i'm making the most of it. Am now a student again, doing it part time around work, might be nearly 50 but my sons need a home long term, and looks like i'm the only one willing to provide it, so need a better paid job to do it.

We married for ever, takes a long time to accept its not, and that the father of our children no longer puts them first, preferring another woman in my case and her children.

Six months after my ex moved out, i had a type of breakdown, was already on AD, so all i can say is get all the help you can, and you will come through this, you'll do it for your children, and if he has someone else, you'll cope with that too. Sending hugs, and please get all the help you can. xxx

Florabella22 Mon 27-Jan-14 21:33:15

Thanks everyone, it's so comforting that there are other people who have come through a situation like this and survived. I too am taking ad's and also had to have a long spell off work to cope with the psychological loss of my marriage. Unfortunately my stbxh only ever told me he was unhappy but never actually told me it was over. He led me a very merry dance always saying he wasn't sure he wanted to end things, that he thought of me as being his best friend and didn't want to hurt me. Basically messed with my head for almost a year before I surrendered and gave him the boot. I never ever wanted him to leave and every time he said these nice things I always took them as a positive sign that he still wanted me. Even now he's seeing someone else he still claims he feels torn between his new life and his old one.
I feel thoroughly wiped out, this situation has been going on for 18 months, I'm not the person I once was, I've lost all self esteem & confidence. The best thing to come out of this situation is my close relationship with my dd's. We stick together through thick and thin and I know I'm being a better parent alone than I ever was when I was with him.

This has been an eye opener just writing things down. Every time I post I feel another small amount if grief has been lifted.

Btw, there's an excellent book called 'uncoupling' by Ann Vaughan that really helped me to see how break ups always follow a certain pattern and that I wasn't going crazy after all.

Good luck to you all, hold your dcs tightly and take comfort that you wernt the one that abandoned them, they'll appreciate you forever.

shey02 Fri 31-Jan-14 09:51:37

Flora, that's the thing, as soon as knew for sure about exh's affair, the marriage was dead to me, how could I mourn for something that had not been what I thought it was. That did me a huge favour, very little grief, certainly not for him, as my love for him died instantly, thank god! I look back now and think I'm glad that he did what he did, or it would have been a few more dull, frustrating lost years, before I probably would have left him anyway.....

My dc's and I are a really strong team, we all look after one another and I don't know any other siblings that are as caring about each other as mine are. I think it has to do with what we all went through and that's another thing to be grateful for, the closeness. Unfortunately exh as good as he is now and there's no big problems between them... but he's unlikely to ever have that with them because of his mistakes and that's just how it is.

Minime85 Fri 31-Jan-14 22:31:58

having a tough few days. hope you are fairing well flora I'm going to invest in that book you suggested I think. I need some clarity.

Florabella22 Fri 31-Jan-14 23:33:50

Sorry to hear you're having a few bad days mini, it's such a rollercoaster that there's bound to be dips. I found the book such a help, it's written by a sociologist who studied thousands of couples as they were breaking up. It made clear to me the path my stbx had been taking for around 6 months before he left. I think the main thing it taught me was there was very little I could have done to have changed his mind. I could see for the first time that the situation was so beyond my control. This helped a lot as I'd blamed myself over and over again.

Really hope you're feeling more positive soon thanks xx

littlecrystal Thu 06-Mar-14 21:23:23

Sorry to hear and I was and soon to be again in the same pot.
When I split with my first husband we both cried as we still loved each other but found we were incompatible. The grief was long and painful but it has gone after several years and it was probably the right thing to divorce.

I am on the brink of splitting up with my 2nd husband and it is as painful as with the 1st one. My love for him was more rational than emotional, but it still hurts a lot as we have 2 DC and and I feel total failure. Again in the hindsight I chose my 2nd husband poorly and did not know him enough.

I just wanted to say that it is a lot of grief but it passed for me. I hope you will feel better soon.

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