Started divorce proceedings, feeling sad

[Florabella22]

My stbx & I separated in May last year, usual story - 'I love you but I'm not in love with you', illicit texts to a work colleague & general mid life crisis behaviour. He now lives with his parents, sees our dd's weekly and is generally living a single life. I've stared divorce proceedings and the forms will be hitting his mat next week. I've not told him yet, things have remained very civilised between us but I feel I'm being played. He's overly nice and slips back into 'family mode' very easily whenever we're with our dd's. This breaks my heart as I get glimpses of what might have been.
I don't see the point in being married anymore, he has a new life & I feel there's no chance of reconciliation but I can't help feeling that this will be the nail in the coffin for our relationship and things most certainly will never be the same again. I'm feeling incredibly sad & unsure but ultimately I know what I'm doing is for the best. Can anyone out there empathise?

[BillyBanter]

I've not been through this but sorry you are. Of course you feel sad for what might have been. Try to think that if your relationship wasn't right, for whatever reason then this is the start of a new life and maybe to meet someone new in time that you can make new plans with. It takes time though. It's a slow healer.

[MuttonCadet]

It is incredibly sad, but hopefully this will help you move forwards and look to the future.

When my Ex and I split up we waited the 2 years and then had a no fault divorce, but it still hurt, but it also feels like a proper "ending" so that you can have a new start.

Good luck!

[Minime85]

I'm not at that stage yet but plan to start it all in a few months. separated in November but decision made in October. want to do as you have and give it a few months of just being and living before take next step.

it sounds like you know its what you need to do and I want to be able to move on sooner than the 2 years ideally as I wonder if I will really be able to if not divorced? I dont know I guess everyone is different, just as every situation is.

I think it sounds like its just one of the many hurdles to get over and it will change things and its so very very sad. feel for you. will be there myself in coming months.

wishing you all the very best

[Minime85]

I never wanted to be anyone's ex wife and I'm dreading that label as I find myself feeling sometimes about the label of single parent.

hope it all goes ok when he receives the paperwork

[LauraBridges]

One thing - often the nicer lawyers and couples will send the spouse a draft of the divorce petition before it's issued (we did) so the spouse can suggest changes eg unreasonable behaviour not adultery or change some of the examples of unreasonable behaviour set out which sets the divorce out on a good footing rather than just sending proceedings without notice.

[Florabella22]

Thanks everyone for your support, yes it's a tough time but knowing it's the norm to feel sad certainly helps. End of an era but hopefully the start of something good.

Thanks ladies xx

[Minime85]

yes very sad.

[Florabella22]

Update:

He's received the divorce papers, was pretty angry to start with but has since sent me a heartfelt text saying how sorry he is for the hurt that's been caused. It's so sad, I look back and wonder how the hell it happened to us and what I'd give to have it all back again. At least he's wished me well and says one day I'll meet someone who deserves me and I'll make them really happy. What he doesn't realise is he's changed me beyond words and I don't believe I'll find love again.

This sucks and is so confusing!!

[Minime85]

oh Flora I feel teary reading your update. that sounds all too familiar. I haven't started it yet but will be in spring and worried its going to make me take huge steps backwards.

I am also so sad and exactly like you wonder how the hell I got here. heartfelt thoughts with you

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Flora...it is sad yes. It is part of the grieving process we need to go through I think, even when we know its the only course of action. I felt like this, although XH's behaviour was such that I could never feel the same about him again. I think when you've had a child or children you are emotionally bound in a way, even when they have behaved very badly.
I was in this position after a 20 yr marriage, and whilst I would be very careful of getting married/living with someone again, I do have a DP who so far seems very lovely, and if he turns out not to be I know I will survive. You will too!