5 months pregnant and my husband just left

(24 Posts)
Panda015 Mon 02-Dec-13 14:12:30

Hello,

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. Advice if anyone has any, or maybe just somewhere anonymous to write down all of my confusion.

Usually my husband is incredibly sensitive, thoughtful, affectionate and loving. He has always been an emotional person, with a tendency to worry and overthink things. We have been together for 13 years, and married for almost 3. He has wanted us to have a baby for some time, and was incredibly excited in June when I agreed that I was ready to start trying. We are now expecting our first baby in May.

At first everything was normal, and then about 8 weeks ago his behaviour suddenly changed overnight. He started going out for walks and drives in the middle of the night as he said his mind was too full of thoughts about his health (he has colitis) the baby and work. On one occasion he was gone for 4 hours. Following that his moods changed dramatically, he became cold and distant and at times it is almost like he hates me.
He stopped having any involvement with the pregnancy, and does not show any excitement at scans etc. Then about 2 weeks ago he told me that he is not sure whether he is 'in love' with me anymore, and then disappeared for a whole weekend by himself. He hardly contacted me, and would not specify where he was.
When he came back he told me that he missed me, and that he did love me and wanted to see how things go. However, in the weeks that followed he did not actually make any effort with me as a couple.
Then on Friday, we had made some plans for the weekend to try to do something fun and get back to normal, but instead he told me that he was leaving. He still can't say anymore about why, and has no idea beyond the next couple of days what he wants. For now all I know is that he is staying in a house near work, and we are having limited contact each day.

I am trying to give him space. Even though I feel like I am dying a little everyday, I am not contacting him or trying to beg him to come back. I am just hoping that he uses the time to think, and realises what he is giving up. In the meantime I feel so alone, even though I have friends and family supporting me. I just want him, for me and for our baby.

Has anyone been through something like this before? How did you cope with it, and how did it turn out?

Thank you, and sorry for the longest post ever. xxx

Immediately my thought was that he's having an affair. I could be way off the mark but is this a possibility?

BitOutOfPractice Netherlands Mon 02-Dec-13 14:16:33

I'm sorry but I think I agree with SomeDizzy. It sounds like he's having an affir

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What an utter twunt

Panda015 Mon 02-Dec-13 14:21:49

Thanks for replying. I did think so, and I have asked him several times and he has denied it. I'm not sure whether I believe him or not to be honest. He is completely incapable of explaining himself or his feelings, so without any answers I do keep coming back to this thought. x

BitOutOfPractice Netherlands Mon 02-Dec-13 14:34:17

Have you got anyone in RL to talk to?

Panda015 Mon 02-Dec-13 14:40:06

Yes thank you. I have friends to talk to, it's just that so many of them are mutual that I don't want to speak to too many of them yet. Plus, none of them have children or are married so they don't really have much advice. x

Clutterbugsmum Mon 02-Dec-13 16:31:39

Of course he denied having an affair. He will not want to be seen as a complete bastard, bad enough leaving a pregnant wife but then to admit to an affair no way he will do that.

I suspect another women will come on the scene mid January and he will have 'met' her around New Year.

MaxsMummy2012 Mon 02-Dec-13 16:39:14

Could he be suffering with depression?

MaxsMummy2012 Mon 02-Dec-13 16:41:29

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1046190/depression-in-dads-to-be
This talks about pregnancy depresdion in men - might be worth a read.

muddylettuce Mon 02-Dec-13 16:43:03

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry you are going through this. You must be absolutely devastated. hugs. I don't have any advice but didn't want to read and run, just be kind to yourself. X

superlambanana Mon 02-Dec-13 16:43:49

I'm sorry but it sounds like an affair to me too. In your situation I would actually tell him to go, I think. It's not fair to keep you dangling and this way you regain some control over the situation. He will either realise what a complete arse he has been and want you back - in which case you can then tackle whether you want to forgive him - or you will decide you are better off apart, in which case it's better that you know where you are.

My friend did this to her DH (except she wasn't pregnant). She kept not being able to decide whether to leave her DH for the other man. It was only when he made the decision for her and told her to go, and she had time on her own, that she woke up and realised what a complete and utter idiot she had been. It has taken a long time but they are back together and both working hard at the relationship, and are very happy.

Just my twopennorth. Whatever you decide to do, please look after yourself. Whatever the reason for his behaviour it's one hell of a shock - I hope you have some real life support. Good luck thanks

SugarMiceInTheRain Mon 02-Dec-13 16:45:33

Agree with what the others said sad It's highly unlikely after him being so keen to have a baby etc that he has suddenly changed his mind about you, the baby, everything. Don't take what he says at face value right now - if he is able to be so cruel to you when you are at your most vulnerable, then you don't know what he is capable of. Whatever his reasons, I'm sorry he's being such an idiot though. Definitely find someone in RL to talk to

LineRunner Mon 02-Dec-13 16:49:59

It might help to post this (or ask for it to be moved) to Relationships, OP, because sadly yes I think he is most likely to be having an affair.

I have been through this myself and it is awful.

So sorry. thanks

randdom Sat 07-Dec-13 19:41:48

How are things going now?

Not that I like to disagree with other people but this doesn't sound like an affair to me. It sounds more like he might have had some sort of breakdown and he is trying to run away from his life. Would strongly advise he see his doctor to talk about things sad

Panda015 Sat 07-Dec-13 20:58:21

Hi, thanks for posting. I know 100% that it isn't an affair now, and I have been more concerned from the beginning that it was some form of breakdown.
I have been trying to get him to a DR for weeks, but he was very evasive and missed 3 appointments. He finally went on Thursday, and apparently the Drs advice was 'these things happen, you should try a separation.' Now, I hate to be cynical, but I don't think a Dr can give that mind of advice. Apparently the dr also said that my husband should not seek individual counselling because it would not help him?!
At this stage I can't force him to be here, so I have agreed to a 2 month separation. I have made it clear that I am genuinely concerned for his health and well being, and that I am only agreeing because I love him and I'm respecting what he feels he needs.
It is so hard, because every fibre of my being tells me this is a breakdown and all I want to do as his wife is look after him and protect him. But, for now all I can do is make sure that he is supported and that he is physically safe and not a danger. I have contacted his best friends and asked them to rally round, so now all I can do is be patient and make sure he knows how loved he is.
x

PopiusTartius Sat 07-Dec-13 21:19:17

How can you know "100%" that it isn't an affair?

LoganMummy Sat 07-Dec-13 21:26:58

Is it possible for him to see another GP? It just sounds so familiar to me and like the start of depression.

Orangeanddemons Sat 07-Dec-13 21:27:17

I'm not sure that he is having a breakdown. It's more that he is reevaluating his life isn't it?

My exdh was exactly like this when my ds was tiny. I did exactly what you did, agreed to a break etc to allow him to sort himself out. In retrospect I ish I'd told him where to go.

It is awful, and I really feel for you. How a man can behave like that when you are carrying his child is beyond me.

I really hope you find a happy solution

I haven't got advice but wanted to offer support. thanks

BitOutOfPractice Netherlands Sat 07-Dec-13 21:34:14

Are you sure he definitely went to the doctors? Sounds very fishy to me.

Continuing to offer hand holding and sympathy you poor woman hmm

Panda015 Sun 08-Dec-13 00:47:08

Thanks everyone.
I don't believe that he went to the Drs. I had actually written the dr a letter explaining my husbands usual behaviour, and exactly how different he is suddenly being. I don't believe they would ignore that and that it wouldn't cause concern based on the symptoms. On multiple occasions lately he has not done things he said he would, so I believe this is just 1 more.
My next step is to let his family know everything that's going on, and just urge them to get him to a different Drs ASAP.
Fingers crossed.
Thanks again for all your support x

BitOutOfPractice Netherlands Sun 08-Dec-13 07:57:59

So you know he's a liar. What else is he lying about? hmm

Orangeanddemons Sun 08-Dec-13 10:06:54

I think rather than wanting to look after and protect him, you should start doing this to yourself.

If he has gone why do you need to protect him? It's you and your baby you should be looking after

I'm sorry this is happening to you op, and at this time of year too.

Please be kind to yourself and your baby x

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