Husband cheated on when I was 7 months pregnant...

(5 Posts)
DooleyDimples Fri 01-Nov-13 20:47:51

My husband cheated on me when I was 7 months pregnant and stopped the affair 2 weeks before I gave birth to our second daughter. My husband pushed me and my daughter away over these 2 months and blamed me for the affair. I only found out after my baby was born and he got even more distant towards us. We are now at the stage he is out of the house but I am raging that he has taken his guilt out on me by blaming me for the failure of our marriage rather than him being given sex on a plate while I was weak.
Does anyone know how much I should let him see our daughters ?
How much should I get from him money wise as I am on maternity leave?
Does he have to pay half the mortgage and child care costs?
I am so worried about me and my babies future any advice would be helpful.....

loopylasslou85 Sat 02-Nov-13 00:36:35

Hey Hun, so sorry 2 hear of ur situation! sad U r in noway 2 blame 4 his cheating! Dont accept that! From my point of view, I wud say it depends on how old ur girls r, as 2 how much he sees them. As hard as it may b 4 the 2 of u 2 get on, I think he should see them as often as he & ur daughters want 2 c each otha. I look at it like this: the girls have had both their parents in their lifes until now, & unless there is a child protection concern about them seeing him, he should continue 2 c them as much as possible. Afta all, they still have their mummy all the time & it cant b easy on them not havin their daddy all the time too. Granted, he chose 2 cheat & there4 knew he could loose his marriage, but his kids r still his kids, & they arnt 2 blame in anyway so shouldnt b punished by him not seeing them. Be the bestest mummy eva & do wot u think is best 4 ur daughters! smile
On the money side of things, I wudnt like 2 guess. It comes down 2 how much money he earns & what the law says he needz 2 live on, & then whats left. He should willingly pay u as much money as he can 4 the benefit of his girls. The best way would b 2 reach an amicable agreement ratha than goin through CSA. Sorry I cant b of much help...& sorry 4 long reply! Keep ur chin up & stay strong, but know u r not 2 blame 4 his infidelity. Much love xx

Beccawoo Tue 05-Nov-13 08:18:27

So sorry to hear of your situation, I can't believe men do this when women are at their most vulnerable! My XH started an affair when I was 4 months pregnant with our second child, told me about it when she was 3 weeks old and moved out 2 weeks later. Know that it is not your fault and make sure you lean on your family and friends for the emotional support you need.

Financially, the CSA would say he has to give you 20pc of his salary for 2 children. However, he may be reasonable and give you more at this stage while the children are young, but that is for you to discuss. My X paid the mortgage as well as giving some living money until we sold the house and I am now renting a smaller and cheaper place. He now probably gives me around 30pc of his salary as with 2 toddlers I am still financially unable to go back to work (although he has access to the children, he is no help at all with actual childcare during working hours!) Also contact child tax credits office to see if there is any help there, and I'd recommend a trip to citizens advice for a chat about any other financial support.

As for access, my x now has the children (now aged 3 1/2 and 2) every other weekend from fri night to Sunday evening. We did try every Friday night and sat day (meaning I had sat night and sun day) every week, but I found he was constantly asking to chop and change due to other plans, and it made me mad! This way we each get a weekend with them plus a weekend to ourselves so no excuses for cutting into their time.

It is harder when they are tiny, I was still Breastfeeding so for the first 6 months he had to visit rather than take them both away for the day. I would leave him in the living room with them and have a nap or go to tescos. I think this was every weekend. And he'd pop in a couple of times a week at bedtime on his way back from work too. He first had them overnight when baby was 6 months old and I'd stopped Breastfeeding. It was hard for me but I went away with some friends so I didn't think about it as much! Then we did the every sat thing, and now we're onto every other weekend. He's also supposed to come once a week after work and take them out for an hour but it doesn't always work as he can't leave early. It just has to be what works for you all - let him take them off for an afternoon and have some time to yourself or go for lunch with friends.

And really really do not blame yourself. It is not your fault. I am still fuming 2 years later - my divorce has just been finalised. He is still with other woman (10 yrs younger than me and him, typical midlife crisis!) Sex was something that he went on about too - sorry to disappoint the guys but being pregnant is not always that fun, even more so when you have a toddler to chase about too! I am now with a lovely man who looks after us, so please know that things will get better. Xx

Beccawoo Thu 14-Nov-13 21:00:02

Dooley, not heard any more from you. Hope you're doing ok. X

holcay Tue 11-Nov-14 22:28:24

Hi. I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. Pretty much the same thing happened to me. I found out 1st Jan, this year. How are you? Any tips for getting through it? Feel free to PM me, it would be good to talk to someone who knows how it feels. xx

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