Just separating and asking me to leave house - advice needed please

(10 Posts)
Fyerix Thu 31-Oct-13 02:22:46

Hello all,

I really need some advice. I am recently separated from my OH (3 weeks) but currently still living in the same house. We have been together for 15 years and have one daughter.

I am viewing/finalising a house to rent tomorrow but it may be another week or two until I can move in. We first discussed me staying in the house until I got sorted out somewhere else. I was trying to be amicable, the house is in his name and I said I would be happy to leave with only my own personal items and nothing from the rest of the house to cause the least disruption to our child.

I am basically going to be leaving with nothing and have to set up a new home from scratch. I work full time but it is going to be very difficult.

I told my ex I was going to stay at a friends on Friday night - I need time out away from the house as it is emotionally devastating at the moment. However, he said if I do, I may as well not come back, essentially giving me an ultimatum. Am I wrong in needing that time, just one night? Or is he being unreasonable - can he actually enforce this? I will have nowhere to go, I have so much to sort out and I really don't know what to do. He says his priority is our child, but is this the best way?

Please help, I don't know if it is me being selfish at the moment or him making unreasonable demands, my head is a complete mess and I need an outside point of view.

Thank you in advance.

AdoraBell Thu 31-Oct-13 02:32:45

I don't think you are being selfish at all. Sounds like he is being completely rigid. Obviously I don't know why you are splitting, you don't have To say on here, but there seems To be a lot of paín.

I don't understand why you are leaving with Nothing after 15 years together. Have you had legal advice on this?

Fyerix Thu 31-Oct-13 02:41:32

I'm leaving because I have fallen out of love with him. This has not been a quick decision, I have felt this way for a very long time ( five years) and have tried to make it work, but it got to the point where I couldn't keep wearing a mask any more.

I decided to leave but also wanted to cause as little disruption to the family home as possible, so at least my daughter will still feel comfortable and familiar with that surrounding, hopefully giving her time to adjust to the situation. I didn't take legal advice, I was hoping to keep this as amicable as possible. I didn't want to go down the route of legal involvement and wanted to work it out between us.

At first he agreed with this but now has done a full u-turn saying he has been more than fair. I'm not sure if this is just an angry/upset lash out at me, but now really worried that he can make this happen. I can be out of there in around two weeks, I thought he would at least have given me that.

AdoraBell Thu 31-Oct-13 02:48:38

I think it's time To seek some legal advice. It doesn't mean you can't be amicable but if one party is angry then amicable may not work. No longer loving someone doesn't mean you have be walked over.

Fyerix Thu 31-Oct-13 11:43:53

Thanks Adorabell.

As I said, was trying to avoid that scenario but I can see it may now be unavoidable.

Thank you for the replies Hun, much appreciated x

AdoraBell Thu 31-Oct-13 17:51:03

You're welcome, hope things improve.

eurochick Thu 31-Oct-13 17:53:49

You really need legal advice.

How are you planning to share care for your daughter?

MrsSquirrel Thu 31-Oct-13 18:01:45

If you take legal advice, it doesn't automatically mean you end up in court. You can think of it as an information-gathering exercise. Once you understand your legal position, you will be better able to make decisions about what to do next.

Fyerix Thu 31-Oct-13 22:39:03

Thank you everyone,

I'm going to do that just to be on the safe side. I think we need at least an informal agreement written down in case things get worse in the future.

@Eurochick
We discussed my daughter primarily being registered to live with me, but I didn't want to place any restrictions on her in terms of access/visiting arrangements. I grew up in that situation myself and it was awful, didn't want to put her through the same thing. I don't want her to ever have to feel that she needs to choose. For example, I'd want her to feel comfortable in saying "I'm going to stay at my dads for a couple of nights." or "I want to spend xmas day with him" etc.

I'm possibly seeing things through fairy glasses at the moment aren't I? I just want her to be able to make her own decisions and not feel awkward about it. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt deep down, but I would want to respect her in that. Just afraid he will not honour that as we originally discussed now.

eurochick Thu 31-Oct-13 22:44:18

I do think you might be a little naive in how you are approaching this. If things turn nasty, you leaving the family home with your daughter there could be perceived as you "abandoning" her, however inaccurate that is.

Many family lawyers (although not all so choose carefully) work collaboratively in trying to find an amicable solution. As said above, using one doesn't mean you will end up in a horrible court battle.

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