Would you stop access?

(17 Posts)
Tweetypie27 Tue 29-Oct-13 12:23:44

My ex and I split six months ago due to his infidelity and compulsive lying.
He lost his job not long after the split and currently lives with his mother.
He has not paid my any maintenance since he's been gone as he's unemployed.
He doesn't even seem to be making any effort to get a job and I text him yesterday asking of he has any work as I'm struggling to survive on this money and his reply was he likes being a bum and why would he get a job so I can take all his money off him.
We have three boys together and they don't come cheap. I'm very stressed out with Xmas coming up to.
He said when he does get a job he will buy things for the boys but won't pay me anything.
My friends and family are now saying I should stop access but don't like playing games where my sons are concerned and even if he is a useless piece of shit my sons love him.
What would you do.

Sidge Tue 29-Oct-13 12:26:42

I wouldn't stop access - he might be a tight-fisted layabout but contact with his children shouldn't be dependent on his financial provision for them.

Pooka Tue 29-Oct-13 12:26:50

I think that really you have to separate the access from the money iyswim.

He may be rubbish to you and a twat, but assuming he is not abusive to the dcs, he is their father and they have the right to have contact with their father regardless of whether or not he is paying.

meditrina Tue 29-Oct-13 12:28:03

I would never rate my DC as "pay per view"

balia Tue 29-Oct-13 12:32:00

Go to the CSA- I think you'll get a £5 from his benefit (I know, but better than nothing) and then when/if he does get any work it'll be much easier to get maintenance.

But if he's a useless bum you may have to face up to providing for the DC's yourself - do you have any RL help/support? Are you getting everything you are entitled to re benefits?

balia Tue 29-Oct-13 12:33:00

And no, you shouldn't stop access - it's not the DC's fault. But I think you know that, you're just feeling a bit desparate. It will get better.

crazykat Tue 29-Oct-13 12:45:35

Don't stop access it will only hurt your DCs. Go to the CSA that way he won't have a choice but to pay.

As hard as it may be put your DCs first and don't stop them seeing their dad.

Spirulina Tue 29-Oct-13 12:54:01

you don't mix the 2....if it ever got to court the judge would not be impressed if you mention money!

Tweetypie27 Tue 29-Oct-13 12:55:21

Yes I would never want to stop him seeing the boys they do have a good relationship with him. Just don't understand how he can not want to provide for them.
I am getting everything I am entitled to but it's still a struggle I work to.
Really didn't want to do the CSA route as I think it can get nasty that way and no matter what my kids come first.
I think my friends thoughts on it were it might give him a kick up the arse to get a job if I stop contact but it's not in the best interest of my children so I won't be doing that.
Thankyou for your opinions

Tweetypie27 Tue 29-Oct-13 13:01:23

My family help a little and yes it is prudent to talk about money but need it to live unfortunately and I'm living day to day at the moment that's the reality of the situation

jacques1972 Thu 13-Mar-14 19:04:00

Why on earth would you cease contact you selfish woman - Your children have every right to have contact with their father? They can form their own opinions of him and decide to cease contact when they are older if they choose. Jeez - I am sick and tired of reading about women using their children as pawns. I seriously hope the law changes and parents are given EQUAL rights!

jacques1972 Thu 13-Mar-14 19:05:31

Why don't you let him look after the children whilst you go out and get a job? Just sayin...

Hamsolo Thu 13-Mar-14 19:48:52

Are you searching for old threads you can get upset about?

Hamsolo Thu 13-Mar-14 19:49:23

Just sayin...

jacques1972 Thu 13-Mar-14 21:04:29

Not at all.... What has contact got to do with Cash? Two separate issues in the eyes of the law.

Hamsolo Thu 13-Mar-14 22:11:02

I don't disagree. But why resurrect a thread from Oct 2013?

STIDW Fri 14-Mar-14 20:48:41

OP didn't cease contact, it was her friends and family who were saying it should stop. She was seeking the views of others and said she didn't want to involve her children. Nothing wrong with that.

Yes, some women use children as pawns but so do some men. No gender has the monopoly when it comes to behaving unreasonably. Separated parents sometimes get angry and threats to withhold contact or child support aren't at all uncommon. It's one thing thinking of it and quite another thing carrying out the threats. If they are carried out the threats are equally as bad as each other and damaging to children.

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