Do I have to let ex in my new house??

(19 Posts)
Beccawoo Tue 17-Sep-13 13:43:46

So my ex walked out on me 18months ago, leaving me with a 1 yr old and a 3 wk old baby, wh are nw 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. He has them every other weekend to stay with him. Until we sold the marital home, he came one evening per week to put them to bed.

I am now a month into living with a new partner and have told him I do not want him coming to visit in our new home. He can keep the timings/days of his visits, but he needs to take the children elsewhere. He has gone completely mental and says he wants to go to court over access arrangements. I ave ade various other contact suggestions, but he will accept none. Will a judge force me to have him spend time with the kids in my house? He is suggesting to me that his solicitor thinks he can as I am denying the children "quality time with their father" by not letting him in?! Surely that is ridiculous?

ShimmeringInTheSun Tue 17-Sep-13 13:59:33

Yes. It is ridiculous. If he wants them to have 'more quality time with their father', then they can have it at HIS house can't they.

It sounds like an attempt to control you, and jealousy on his part that you have made a new life and moved on from him.

He can bluster till he's blue in the face, you've offered several other alternatives, but he's discarded them....more fool him.

He's trying to scare you with talks of solicitors and judges....let him waste his money if he can afford to , but the bottom line is you cannot be forced to have him in your home.....so he will have to go sulk somewhere else.

Yonihadtoask Tue 17-Sep-13 14:01:47

No way does he have to come in your house.

That isn't how it has to work.

If he wants to see them during the week, then they can visit at his home, or he can take them out for tea?

If I were the new partner, I would hate it if the ex came in the house.

Ledkr Tue 17-Sep-13 14:03:22

No don't worry that's nonsense.

CostaLady Tue 17-Sep-13 14:13:21

Please don't worry about this at all, your ex is talking out of his backside.

Beccawoo Tue 17-Sep-13 14:15:47

Thanks, I thought that was the case but when he's started saying about his solicitor it worries me! Why would I want the man who had an affair when I was pregnant and then walked out for someone 10yrs younger hanging around my place one night a week?! And my new partner certainly doesn't want to come home from work to him!

He lives about 30mins away and can't get to me from work till 5.30 at the very earliest, so not great to take them back to his. I've suggested a number of places nearby he could take them for dinner, or lovely parks if the weather is nice, but he is now trying to say I am denying the children a relationship with him?! He is also threatening to reduce money (we have a consent order for the next year, but after that he could just pay minimum through CSA) which would be a nightmare for me as I won't be able to pay the bills.... And yet somehow I'm made out to be the unreasonable one!

ShimmeringInTheSun Tue 17-Sep-13 14:18:20

He's having a temper tantrum.....how old is he?

Beccawoo Wed 18-Sep-13 10:52:52

Thanks, that's reassuring. However his new suggestion is that once a week he collects kids from me at 5.30 on his way home from work, then I have to collect back from him at 7pm. This means a round trip of an hour for me so he can spend an hour with the kids. Is this unreasonable or would a judge accept it as we are 'sharing the journey'? I do collect from him after he's had them for a weekend. My biggest worry is that yes, it would be a pain but I could do it right now, however I am going to be looking for part time work next year and my partner and I would like a child of our own in the future too. Both of these things would make it very difficult for me to collect the kids from him, however he will want everything written up legally. Despite that he seems to consider only what works here and now rather than a long term agreement.

Any advice? Am I being as selfish as he says by refusing to collect them?! Please tell me the truth, I won't be offended! It's just that in my experience, the absent parent seems to be the one that does all the running - not necessarily fair I know, but he was the one who chose to leave....

ShimmeringInTheSun Wed 18-Sep-13 11:51:01

From what you've described I would say that HE is the one who has denied his children a relationship with their father, but it's not possible to reason with selfish people is it.
His relationship is about contact, NOT where he takes them. So he can chat and laugh with, and hug them wherever they are. He is still trying to control and make you feel uncomfortable in your new relationship..... well don't let him.

If you don't want to collect them back from him at 7.00 then say so, stick to what you feel is best for you and your children, and you don't have to give a reason why either. After all, he did refuse several suggestions from you.....and I'm NOT saying that as a tit for tat situation....rather that you are allowed choices too.

I wouldn't sign ANYTHING until it's been checked out microscopically by a solicitor, and that you are truly happy with it after TAKING AS MUCH TIME AS YOU NEED to think about/discuss whatever he comes up with.

Your life is about your children, yourself, and what is best for you to life the life you deserve now, and in the future. You decide it, not him.

Don't be railroaded.
good luck OP.

ShimmeringInTheSun Wed 18-Sep-13 11:51:55

Live the life

Could he keep them overnight one night a week? Pick them up at 5.30 and then drop them wherever they need to be the following morning?

Totally agree that there's no way you have to let him in your house!

fuzzywuzzy Wed 18-Sep-13 12:01:14

What time would it be by the time you get he children back home if you agree to his demands? I'd have thought really late to be reasonable for the children.

How about he picks the kids up mid week from school and then drops them off at school the next morning and you pick them up from school?

Counter his demands with suggestions of your own instead of saying no, ensure everything is in writing.

He sounds like he is jealous of your new relationship and expected you to be on your own forever when he left you!

Beccawoo Thu 19-Sep-13 12:29:39

Thanks, I've offered overnight midweek stay but apparently too much hassle for him the next morning.....

Sidge Thu 19-Sep-13 12:35:17

Well that's his hassle and if he wants to see his kids then he'll have to suck it up.

Given that they're not in school I'd suggest one overnight midweek, even if you have to meet him near his place of work so he can hand them over to you.

(I also wouldn't be picking them up from his after his contact weekends, but maybe that's just me...

You aren't being selfish. He is just trying to make your life difficult because he has an unpleasant streak. It pleases him to see you discomfitted, and to whine that you are messing up his relationship with his children.

You do not have to allow him into your house EVER. He has NO MORE RIGHT in your house than anyone you might meet on the street. The only people who are allowed in your house are your CURRENT family, police, social services, etc (and I'm not even sure SS can insist on it).

If you moved away from him, I might have a small amount of sympathy with his problem about where to have access visits. But if, as I presume, he moved half an hour away of his own choice/couldn't afford anywhere else, he just has to suck it up. Them's the breaks.

But GET A SOLICITOR to write him a nice letter stating the facts. He'll probably back down after that. You sound very reasonable (but a bit mousy - don't take that sort of shit. No one owns you).

Beccawoo Thu 19-Sep-13 15:25:51

Ha ha, thanks - he's already had his solicitor write to me lol! Suggesting I am denying the children their rightful contact and therefore it should continue in the house lol! Says if I refuse he'll be applying to court. So am having my solicitor write back indeed, bloody ridiculous he can't just accept it and is now going to cost hundreds in solicitor's fees...

TessTackle Thu 19-Sep-13 15:28:57

Definitely sounds like he is trying to make things difficult for you and your new partner. He shouldn't be using your children as weapons (as much as I hate that phrase). As pp's said; he can spend 'quality' time with DC at his house, there's no need for it to be at yours at all.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 19-Sep-13 15:30:32

In your solicitors letter ensure you put in that he can have mid week overnight contact and return the children to you the following morning. To underline exactly how much contact you are offering (and he's refusing)!

Be terribly reasonable.

My friend was super reasonable, her ex made huge demands on contact and each time she agreed he changed the times and days he wanted for his convenience, in the end they went to court, the judge gave him less than she was offering and now she sticks to the contact like glue, no messing about changing/cancelling dates time unless he gives her advance warning in writing.

78bunion Sat 21-Sep-13 09:59:35

The fact he says an overnight stay once a week that is offered is too much hassle for him shows how unreasonable he is and how this is about being difficult for you rather than his wanting to be a proper parent (who would adore to have them staying). Good advice from fuzzyw

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