H's Solicitor using emotive language

[foolonthehill]

Hi I asked my emotionally and verbally abusive husband to leave in October 2011 he was abusing both me and the DC. There has followed a stormy and confusing time but basically at my request he has had Skype and phone contact only with the DC since Jan 2012.

He has stropped and complained and continued to abuse us but at a distance. I have gained strength.

I am used to dealing with his rants and manipulation of the truth but have been taken aback by the official correspondence with his (new) solicitor who uses extremely emotive language regarding my conduct (which she hears about 2nd or 3 rd hand) in official letters.

Am I right to be surprised? is this usual? It seems unprofessional and that the stage is being set for some great showdown.

She is re-writing history (making me the reason that mediation was stopped whereas it was H's non-engagement that resulted in the mediator telling me there was no point in carrying on at that point). And stating as facts that she can only possibly have H's opinion on.

what is going on??

[Eyesunderarock]

She is employed to win his case, and she is using any and every weapon she has to do so.
You need to make sure she is challenged on every point with facts backed by evidence, so that the shallow and emotive nature of her argument is shown for what it truly is.
Don't take it personally, it's her job.

[foolonthehill]

Thank you. I am not feeling upset (yet!) just was thinking that as a professional she would be cautious about making unsubstantiated declarations about my conduct...especially when she knows that at least some of it is untrue.

She is also putting unrealistic time frames around responses (despite H's inability to make any deadline) is she trying to make that look like 6 of one and half dozen of the other?

Lord it is bad enough dealing with his misrepresentations, never mind her adding to it!

[Eyesunderarock]

If she's an OK solicitor, yes.
If she's a good solicitor, she'll be trying to make it as unequal as possible to get her client the best deal.

[foolonthehill]

! thanks, I think!

[MarianForrester]

I actually think it is unprofessional and unhelpful. The job of a solicitor in these cases is to get the best outcome for their client, but not, in my view,to stir things or enter into the general unpleasantness. They should be a moderating influence and a filter for the vitriol!

[Eyesunderarock]

That would be nice, as would the idea of solicitors being involved in conflict resolution, working with all parties to come to as fair and satisfactory conclusion as possible.
The reality appears to be somewhat different. So the OP (and/or her solicitor)needs to prove how wrong her ex's lawyer is. With evidence and dates and the like.

[MarianForrester]

If it's any consolation, the clients of solicitors like that often end up unhappy and with a giant bill...

So I'd leave them to it, and rise above it. Focus on your own case, not how annoying they are. Easy said, I know.

[foolonthehill]

I am fortunate in that I have evidence (letters, skype calls, dates, admissions of guilt written by him etc.) just seems such a waste of time and money.

i kept all the evidence as STBX is a typical abuser...twists the truth to suit himself and is an accomplished at sucking people into his fantasy world (especially women).

dreading court (which is where all this will end up) but hey ho.....the truth will out.I hope.

[foolonthehill]

Marrian

[Collaborate]

I agree with Marian.

If it's any consolation just because a solicitor puts it in a letter doesn't make it true, or even relevant to the issues you need to resolve.

Is she a member of Resolution? There is a code of conduct that all members should adhere to that involves them not using emotive language.

[foolonthehill]

Thanks Collaborate, his solicitor has just set up on her own having worked in a larger group previously. She is not a member of Resolution...unlike his previous excellent solicitor. i believe she is a friend of a friend. I think he likes her because she does not give "robust advice".

The untruths are very much part of the issues (contact with children) and represents him as a very innocent party with a nasty manipulative, controlling wife....

But you are both right I can only paddle my own canoe and try not to be rattled by him.

thanks so much

[Labro]

Always remember that solicitors are paid to write what their client asks. It doesn't mean that they support your ex or even like him particularly, they are simply stating the argument they are being paid to state. I had good advice some years ago: solicitors are not your friend. When you receive a letter from a solicitor, view it as a business document and read it as if you are a third party uninvolved in the process or as if a teacher had written to you. Then, lay it aside for a week. Answer every question factually, do not express opinion or emotion. In court, listen very carefully and answer ONLY the question you are asked each time, not what you think you are being asked. Always refer to children as 'our' not yours/mine.
View solicitors like playground bullies, they are looking for a reaction!

[foolonthehill]

thank you

[fabulousfoxgloves]

Actually, my solicitor has been clear that she will write what will stand up in a court of law, and she writes in a clear and direct way. When I have asked her to add more explanatory detail, she said no, it fudged the issue. So, no, solicitors do not just write what clients ask. Ex's solicitor, on the other hand, wrote a long and detailed emotive letter which came straight from his mouth, half of which my sol directed me to ignore, while correcting (briefly) the matters of fact which affected his argument.

A good solicitor should be able to see through the manipulation, and advise you what you should respond to. Ignore the rest.