How the hell do we tell the kids...tips or experience please please

(8 Posts)
TheConstantLurker Mon 22-Jul-13 16:53:20

Sorry meant to start new thread.

TheConstantLurker Mon 22-Jul-13 16:52:28

Hi can any of you tell me your experiences of splitting and both renting. I need to find out about the money aspects like if the house is sold but you need to take up a rental beforehand, deposit etc how did you fund that- credit card, loan? Also have vague memory of agents wanting reams of paperwork and proof of adequate income. What if you don't earn much but intend to use house money and get some benefits to top up. Will it be really hard to find a willing landlord.
Thanks

KristinaFranziska Fri 21-Jun-13 00:08:47

OK, I had to deal with telling my then 3yo that his brother was going to die. He's now 16 and over the years we have chatted about those times and how he felt and feels more recently.

He remembers events very clearly. And he is grateful for the straight forward honesty. We have a fantastic relationship now and there is huge trust.

I feel it's best to tell the truth. Use toys as props to explain, maybe cardboard boxes as your house and another as the other house. Get new toys for this because they will have meaning attached to the objects. I suggest cuddly ones.

If you can, find and talk in terms of life cycles: things that start and finish. Maybe books that have same characters and different stories.

Assure them that they are loved by you and their Dad. Assure them that there is nothing they have any responsibility for, nothing they did or said or thought that can change things.

I'm no expert, but I question the gradual departure in a covert way. To me that doesn't feel authentic. I prefer the idea of a celebration of the coupling that created the kids and the marking of a change in the way things will be. Make it an acknowledgement of the fantastic time that created them. Celebrate them and your love for them.

Personally, I feel that the shock of coming home to an empty house after 4 weeks without Dad would be an unkindness. I had the chance to warn my son and prepare him for a dead brother. I feel there's similarities.

It's not nice, it feels sickening for us as Mums to have to break what we are experiencing as bad news/failure to our innocent children; the ones caught in the middle. But it's empowering them to deal with things, to process, to come to terms.

The you that spends 4 weeks hiding a secret which you know will potentially cause hurt and confusion is not the same as the you who has faced the music and is nurturing them through into a new life style. Fact is, this has to be dealt with. You and only you and your ex can determine when and how to tell your beautiful children.

How will you feel best, most confident, most in integrity?
Who specifically are you protecting?
What outcome do you want?
How do they gain?
What do they lose?
What is best in the longer term?

beaufranked Sat 15-Jun-13 07:45:11

Thank you so much for sharing all that. It's really helped. It is all for the best in the long term. They need to feel safe and secure so keeping it together and being 'capable/adult' way forward! We will tell them before we go and explain when we get back they'll have two homes/sets of toys. They won't see Dad a lot while we're away so that helps. Books on order too! Really appreciate the advice and thanks for taking the time. smile x

angel1976 Fri 14-Jun-13 21:56:42

Good advice above. At your kids' ages, even if they notice the furniture missing, they will ask and you answer ('in daddy's new house'?) and they will just accept it. My boys are 3 and 5 so your DCs' ages... I got a couple of books off Amazon as 'back up' if they asked any question. The one I found most age appropriate is 'Two Homes' - explains very clearly what it is like to have two homes and that mummy and daddy will still love the little boy in the story no matter where he is without going into any details! I also got Dad and Mum Glue but found that probably more suitable for an older child as it was rather sad... Best of luck, if you act fine, they will take their lead from you and be fine. My (Ex)H has now moved out for 2.5 months now and the boys have taken it very well and just accept the new reality.

dippyeggs Thu 13-Jun-13 23:19:04

Hi, we split last year kids were 2 and 4. We saw a counsellor for advice she said:
- avoid an obvious departure ie not bags leaving with daddy.. (which you are already doing)
- if poss get them used to daddy not being around so much, in our case my ex spent 1 night at a friends, then 2 then 3 etc over a few week period so that they didn't have him every night. Really hard but worth it.
- tell them straight but in a way they understand - we love you, it's like with friends at school people are not always able to be friends for ever
- be prepared for the fact that some day you will need to apologise to them for the split - not a blame thing, both parents, perhaps when kids r in their 20's or 30's even, just be prepared for it..

Things aren't perfect and hard lots of the time (kids are anyway) but we vowed to try as hard as we cld to put them first so for eg we are joining forces in a cpl weeks to open out sons bday pressies and go out for dinner just the 4 of us. Then we'll run screaming - but not in front of the kids. If at all poss! It's hard but so far we've managed it I really hope...

I truly believe that if you present it as ok - not ideal, but ok - then kids will believe that it is, that you both are. Even if you're not all the time.

Hope that helps. Best of luck.

MirandaWest Thu 13-Jun-13 21:51:05

XH and I separated when the DC were 7 and 5. We told them together before XH moved out and said that Daddy was moving to a new house and that they would go and stay with him often. We didn't say about how we didn't love each other any more (mainly because at the time I did still love him) and that we still loved them as somehow it just didn't quite seem the right thing to say just then. I managed to hold it together which was good I think.

I found it helped just telling them what was going to happen rather than saying anything more about the reasons for the split (XH had affair which is now proper relationship) made it easier. They also didn't meet XHs gf for about 9 months after the split.

It is horrible but it does get better (am two years down the line now and everyone is fine. Including the DC)

beaufranked Thu 13-Jun-13 21:33:31

..we are separated but living in the same house at mo. we are waiting for him to move out while the kids and I are away for the summer holidays at a friend's. We will be away for 4 weeks so he will have plenty of time to take stuff/get new place sorted. I am in a dilemma about whether to tell the kids before we go or wait till just before we get back (which would mean telling them on my own). The house will be very different (furniture gone) when we get back but also don't want them to worry unnecessarily . I will go with them to ex's new place as we are fairly amicable. They are almost 3 and 5. For anyone that's done it please give tips.. Gosh it's horrid isn't it sad

Thank you x

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