WHY WOULD DIVORCED WOMEN KEEP SURNAME?

(161 Posts)
Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 10:02:48

I am really curious about this. I am married and have 2 children and I honestly think I would revert back to my maiden name if I was to divorce my partner.

When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts. Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!!

Thoughts?

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 10:08:08

Why wouldn't you believe that someone wants the same name as their DCs?! I think its really odd when a couple aren't married and a woman gives the DCs their dad's surname. To me its a sign that we're all part of the same family.

Luckily I have a D-B surname, so when my divorce goes through I will revert to my name, I presume stbxh will do the same and we will both still share a name with the DCs without them having to change theirs, but I would feel a bit sad if they had his name and not mine.

FreckledLeopard Wed 05-Jun-13 10:09:15

I'm keeping my surname on the basis that firstly it would be a massive hassle to change it back, secondly my career is associated with my married name and thirdly, I prefer the name to my maiden name. I may as well take something good from the marriage!

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 10:11:46

and your 'kick in the face' comment suggests that you can see the emotional connection of a name to the rest of your family. Perhaps the ultimate kick in the face for a man who 'doesn't love you any more' is to keep 'his' name, along with 'his' house and a substantial chunk of 'his income' because they are things that actually belong to you all!

HabbaDabba Wed 05-Jun-13 10:14:38

Not all divorces are so acrimonious such that the ex wife wants to remove all traces of her ex from her life.

My friend married at 17 and at 27 realised that they had grown in different directions. Everyone knew her by her married name plus she didn't think that it was worth the hassle of reprinting business cards, redoing credit cards, passport etc.

It's my name! Although I have no plans to divorce I can't see me changing it, although who can tell what the future holds. Like freckled, I don't see why I should have to CHANGE MY NAME if it would be a hassle and mean no-one in my professional field would recognise my work as mine.

reelingintheyears Wed 05-Jun-13 10:16:45

So they still have the same surname as their DC?

My Mum did that,in later years when i realised, i told her i'd have happily switched to her unmarried name.

RhondaJean Wed 05-Jun-13 10:18:26

My mil kept it to have the same name as dh. My dh that is not her ex.

She never saw or had anything to do with her ex or his family again.

reelingintheyears Wed 05-Jun-13 10:18:59

I have a different surname to my DC,it doesn't bother me in the slightest,school sometimes got it wrong (my name) but that was no big deal.

MrsPresley Wed 05-Jun-13 10:22:41

Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore?

What about couples who divorce but still love each other.

This is my ex and myself, we divorced after our son died, we still loved each other but it just wasn't enough. My ex couldn't get over the guilt he felt and still can't 28 years later sad

We may no longer be "in love" as in a passionate love, we have both moved on but there is still a love there that will never go.

I probably haven't explained that very well, but I really don't know how to put it any other way.

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 10:32:16

ok if you still love each other and there are no hard feelings then I totally understand.

But as for DoingitforMyself - I would never want to take someones 'house' or their 'income'. Sorry but I'd rather just carve it all up fairly and move on. If that means selling the family home then so be it. I know this is not possible for everyone but I can't stand it when I hear women bang on about taking a mans money.

The most powerful thing a woman can do (in my opinion) is be independent and live off their ex as least as possible!

CloudsAndTrees Wed 05-Jun-13 10:44:24

I think it's disgusting when women bang on about taking a mans money too. Divorce agreements should reflect what each person had before they entered the marriage, or what they contributed to the marriage, including child care.

But when someone changes their name after marriage it becomes their own name, and they can then do what they want with it. I don't consider my husbands surname to just be his any more, it is as much mine as it is his now too, so I wouldn't feel the need to lose it to disconnect myself to him if we were to divorce. I also hated doing all the associated paperwork to change my name in the first place, if I was going through a divorce I wouldn't feel the need to add any extra hassle to myself just for the sake of it.

It's a choice that women have.

I don't like hearing second wives complain that their husbands ex has kept his name, which I have heard both in RL and on here quite a few times. Those women need to get over themselves and accept that they were not and will never be the first or only Mrs Whatever.

Branleuse Wed 05-Jun-13 10:50:52

i dont know. I think its a bit weird. My mums kept her exes name. Shes been married 3 times, and each time kept the name until she remarried, but her and her partner of 15 years have no plans to ever marry, so i think its weird she still has her exes name, and have asked her to use her maiden name, but she says she cant be bothered.

I guess its just the individuals choice, but i still think its weird

By the time my Mum and Dad divorced she'd had her married name far longer than she'd used her maiden name. It was comfortable and she couldn't be bothered to change it. It had bugger all to do with my Dad or his family, it was her name too.

MirandaWest Wed 05-Jun-13 10:53:15

I'm keeping the surname I've had for nearly 14 years now as I prefer it to my maiden name. And it's my name so I can do what I want with it. I do like having the same surname as my children - I don't see what business it is of anyone else that I don't want to change my surname.

If I were to change it I'd probably want something completely different anyway. Not sure what id do if I were to remarry as it would feel odd to keep this surname but would feel odd to get a different one again. Might feel differently if XH and his gf get married of course..

My mum got married at 21 and took my dad's surname. She got divorced at 63 and kept the name. It's been hers for 42 years so that's why she's keeping it. I'm avoiding having to even think about this by keeping my surname when I marry.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 11:08:16

I was saying 'his' house and 'his' money in a sarcastic way, as in the things you BOTH contribute during the marriage belong to you BOTH when the marriage ends, so you still share equity in the house, you still get maintenance from his income (lucky ou if you can mange without any financial input from your ex having been a SAHM) then why should you not continue to share the name? These things are all products of a marriage, not things which automatically 'belong' to one person or another.

VenusUprising Wed 05-Jun-13 11:11:04

Well it's either your dad's name or your husband's as your "Sir Name" isn't it?
What's the difference? Still defined by a man in the UK...
So, why not keep them all, or choose the one that suits you best?

Fwiw, I have both parents names myself, have my dhs name too, and have double barrelled names for our dcs.

They can choose which name to be known by, or make one up like Moon Unit, or Lady Gaga.

I knew a woman who changed her names completely and gave her children really odd names not related to hers or her DHs. Kind of cool really, but no doubt a bit confusing for those outside the family.....

mypussyiscalledCaramel Wed 05-Jun-13 11:13:19

Because if I didn't, then there would be 3 different surnames in the house. I went back to my maiden name first time round. This time I can't be arsed, plus there is a lot of paperwork.

WidowWadman Wed 05-Jun-13 11:14:20

I've got a friend who took his wife's name when they married, kept it after they divorced, and passed it on to his new wife when he married her.

It's nobody's business what name you choose to use and why.

if you took your husband's name on marriage, it becomes your name.
it belongs to you whether you're married, divorced or widowed.

to change your name again when you don't need to is weird.
everyone knows you in that name now.

also, children are a consideration. i have friends whose children have the married name, and when divorced/remarried, they kept that name to provide continuity with the children. the next children born have been doublebarrelled.

"Well it's either your dad's name or your husband's as your "Sir Name" isn't it?"

not Sir name - Surname, as in the latin meaning after.

EverybodysStressyEyed Wed 05-Jun-13 11:18:07

Mil kept her surname because she'd had it most of her adult life and to change back to her maiden name seemed odd as she hadn't been that for 20 years!

I'd find it odd to revert now. I took ownership of the name when I married. I don't think you have to have a blood link to keep it.

Also, professionally it would be very awkward to change names again.

teaandthorazine Wed 05-Jun-13 11:19:16

Er, it's not his name, it's mine!

Actually, you could say I kept it to spite him grin. When we divorced he actually wanted me to change it back, banging on and on about the 'history' of his 'family name' and how I no longer deserved it (it's a very common name btw' nice enough but not special!) I just thought 'twat' and kept it. Cba to change and anyway, I like having the same name as my ds.

It doesn't 'mean' anything.

from wikipedia:
"The concept of a 'surname' is a relatively recent historical development, evolving from a medieval naming practice called a 'byname'. Based on an individual's occupation or area of residence, a byname would be used in situations where multiple people had the same name."

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