Divorce finances - court hearing booked 28th August!!

[Tillytrouble]

Hi everyone, this is my first post so if you notice I'm doing anything wrong, feel free to point me in the right direction.

My XH left me 2½ years ago completely out of the blue, no OW as far as I know just said he didn't love me anymore (I now know through MN that this BS is reeled off to 100's of women every day).

We'd been together 20 years, married for 17. Three DC, 12,13 and 15 at the time. I'd built my whole life around him, ran my own business which enabled him to be a SAHFather, then encouraged and supported him to start his own business which gave us a good standard of living. One day he came home from work early and said he wanted us to talk. Gave me the bombshell - "I'm leaving you, I'm not happy, I don't love you anymore, I only love you as the mother of my children (!), we wont be getting a divorce, we'll keep running the business and leave the finances as they are until the youngest is 18 and then we'll sell the marital home and share everything out"

I nodded in dumbfounded disbelief and said is this why you never show me any affection and why we only have sex when you're drunk? He answered, "yes, you've done nothing wrong, its just how I feel", he went immediately and left me to tell kids when they came in from school.

I cried for 6 months solid, tried to come to terms with it, couldn't understand why he would walk out on such a great lifestyle, 3 fabulous kids, eldest just embarking on Y11, I loved him blindly, adored him and had done everything I could to make his life successful, comfortable and happy.

8 months after he left i received a letter from his Sol saying XH wanted to sort out financial affairs and perhaps I would get myself some legal representation.

I put it off, I didn't want a divorce, but another letter came urging me to see a sol. Cutting a long story short for now, that was almost two years ago and we made no progress through solicitors or mediation. There is absolutely no communication between us at all. When I saw him at mediation he practically spat words at me and treats me as if I stabbed his own mother. I realise now from MN that this is a common reaction from XH trying to offset his guilt/complete shitness by making me out to be the bad guy.

Yesterday i received a notice from Court to attend a hearing on 28th August, once again I spent the day in tears and sunk into depression. Just because I wont agree to his demands he's threatened court no end of times and now he's done it, even though the costs are ridiculous to say the least. And now I have to go through the whole summer with this hanging over my head. Im still in the marital home with 2 dd's, ds fell out with me over his use of PS3 and took himself off to live with his dad, where he has much more freedom to behave inappropriately on FB etc.

I cant afford the bills here and cant move out and rent as I only have a small income. I have met someone else now who tries to help me out emotionally and is very patient but we're not able to live together yet for various reasons and TBH what else can your new partner do to help other than listen patiently and offer support. I hate this whole thing with solicitors and mediation and court, its all money I dont have and it almost finished my kids and I off emotionally.

Just thought Id ask if any MNers have had similar experiences and particularly help me with what to expect at court. All disclosures have been lodged with lawyers several times as its gone on for so long. Does anyone else think that divorce lawyers prolong the agony and keep things going on purpose?

BTW did I mention that XH is a stubborn, dictatorial, rude, abrupt DHead, who puts on a show to his family and friends that he's the victim and according to him I'm dragging my feet over divorce finances cos I'm greedy.

Hoping to hear from some new MN friends

[newbiefrugalgal]

You said mediation has got nowhere.

Was it one side that would not agree?
Was he being inreasonable?

[Tillytrouble]

hi ladies, so relieved Ive had some replies. Should i move my post to another area then? sorry it was so long just hard to put everything in a nutshell.

i do have a solicitor and i get on fine with her and she's worked for me for the last 18 months or so. Ive come to terms with the news I have to go to court for that very reason, the end is in sight now thank goodness, its the only good thing about it. Everything has been up in the air whilst you try to keep out of debt and manage the finances but you cant make progress and move on until everything is sorted out.

there's plenty of equity in the house, probably about 140k to 160k so I will be able to pay the balance of my legal bill eventually. I've been paying £100 a month so far as it was all I could afford but Im about £500 behind and I know the costs will go right up now because of the court involvement.

We went to 2 mediation sessions Newbiefrugalgal, but knowing my husband like i do, I just knew he was only paying lip service to the system. I think his sol had advised him it would reflect badly if he didn't go. the atmosphere was as icy as they come, we spoke through the mediator only. XH only wanted to talk about the value of the marital home and his % of the equity, I think he listens to bar/pub/lawyers a lot. his attitude is that Im being greedy but I said Im fighting for a home for my children and i want to get the best I can for them. He left us for no good reason, just selfish, and now he's trying to take everything away from us. Until my DS left home to live with him I think i was in quite a strong position but DS really blew it out of the water with his temper tantrum and decision to move in with his father.

After the second mediation session he began to try and negotiate with me by text. We were almost there but it fell at the final hurdle, he wouldnt agree to share the cost of selling the house (2% of sale price would be about 5k), seemed to think I should stand that expense by myself. As soon as he's not in command and dictating the situation he throws his hands up in the air, withdraws and threatens, I'll see you in court then! the idiot!!

He bullied me for years and is still trying to do it, i just cannot wait to be free of him once and for all. I'm embarrassed now at the time I wasted with him, at the way I worshiped him, and Im amazed that I ignored the signs or just put them down to 'well, we've been married a long time/its just the kind of man he is/he's a good dad/husband cos he goes out to work to earn money for us'

He's a passive agressive and controlled me in that way. I always felt I had to do more to earn his affection. God what a wet blanket i sound and Im not wet at all, I just loved him and because of that I was blind to the way I was being treated.

[Joy5]

Hi Tillytrouble
If i'm dragging this up for you, i'm sorry but i just wondered if you're still going ahead with the court date, or have you managed to sort it out without?

I'm in a similar situation to you, my ex left me, has been threatening court action for over a year, but made a second financial offer last week. No way i can accept it, i can't afford to pay £400 towards the mortgage and loan, i only get benefits for my youngest son, my middle son has had serious depression and isn't studying or working, and i only earn a very low wage.

Just wondered if you've sorted it, wouldn't wish a court date to sort finances on anyone, and hope things have improved with your ds who moved in with his Dad x

[RedHelenB]

For goodness sake don't let it go to court over something like sale fees! Why on earth do you want your share of equity to finance court costs!

[scrumpymadge]

tilly, not much advice to offer, I'm only 4mths into divorce process, but I just had to say your story is almost identical to mine. Its uncanny. The pigs we married could almost be the same person! I blame a midlife crisis and a narcissistic personality disorder. ...we are well rid!

[evokay]

I have never written anything on mumsnet but had to just say I feel better to hear stories like mine as it makes me realise its not my fault. 3 years after he left to live with supposed "friend" he has lied about almost everything possible whilst secretly earning £100k which he has spent.
He makes everything out to be my fault - and his solicitor is taken in by his lies. I wish I could get him out of my life but will alway need the maintenance.
Never though I could hate someone so much. I started court process in March after he refused to go to 2 nd mediation. It is hellish but at least he can't hide much longer.

The only option is to keep looking at positives and hope the system reflects the deception. Xx

[Notenjoyinglife]

Hi Tillytrouble,
I hope that you got on ok in court. I am just starting the beginning of the process. I guess that once it is all decided then you will have some relief as you hopefully turn your back on it all.
I wonder how men like this justify their behaviour? My STBXH seems to be doing well convincing everyone that our marriage breakdown is my fault. Yet they have always been aware of the fact that he is difficult and financially irresponsible. They have even been helping him for a long time by allowing him to get assets and new credit cards / debts which are registered to their addresses and which I knew nothing about. Now despite the fact that I have always paid everything and run around managing the kids and house I am facing the nightmare of his hidden assets (vehicles) which he has accumulated by not contributing to the home and also facing being responsible for his credit card debt.
Best wishes
I hope that the court decision helps you to walk away from him. I can't wait.