Right I need some straight talking too

(25 Posts)
Mosschops30 Wed 08-May-13 21:47:12

Dh and me now separated about 2 months.
I initiated the split, we had no communication, no respect, no sex, no sharing of household tasks hmm

I was ok at first, he has been pretty much as he was in the marriage taken no responsibility for what went wrong.
He has cancelled all direct debits for household bills, has cancelled the children's health insurance saying he can't afford it (he's living in his parents rent free).
He's manipulated me into splitting 50/50 and moves goal posts over maintenance constantly.

So why am I so sad? I really miss him this week, well I miss our family, I miss this perfect man I have in my head that he never was. Don't get me wrong, he never cheated, didn't drink, worked hard etc. but our marriage was so empty which he says is normal of all marriages so what is my problem.

I just miss being the wife, having someone there when things go wrong, having a normal family hmmhmmhmm

Just looking for some support please

MrsMcEnroe Wed 08-May-13 21:50:46

Oh bless you, I'm here to hold your hand, you sound lovely.

Of course you miss all those things; it's only been 2 months and it's early days .....

He's staying with his parents; what support do you have in RL? x

deleted203 Wed 08-May-13 21:55:51

It's very early days. Keep reminding yourself when you feel lonely that there is nothing as lonely as an empty marriage.

You say you miss having someone there when things go wrong - but you admit there was no communication, no respect, no sex and no sharing of household tasks.

Was he honestly there when things went wrong?

An empty marriage is not normal, believe me. Stay strong - lots of people on here to encourage you and offer support.

Mosschops30 Wed 08-May-13 22:02:37

soworrnout your post has made me cry because I did feel so lonely with him which was worse hmm

I scared I've made the wrong decision and that life will be even worse without him

mrsmcenroe I have some great friends close by, but only one or two that know I'm struggling and one of them has a very ill mum at the moment so don't want to bother her.

Dd is nearly 17 and is a great help, we have a much better relationship since he's gone and she is good at starting the dinner for me or keeping an eye on her brothers if I want to pop to the shop or something

deleted203 Wed 08-May-13 22:13:28

You will get through this Mosschops, believe me. The hardest, scariest point is finally plucking up the courage to end a relationship that you know is making you lonely and miserable.

And you've done that. You had the bravery to realise that it takes two to make a relationship work and that as long as your STBX was not prepared to put anything in, then things were never going to improve.

Ending a marriage is like a bereavement - worse in a lot of ways. Because if the bugger had died you could mourn him without feeling the guilt of 'I did this. I ended the relationship. Have I made the wrong decision? Have I selfishly thought of myself, rather than the children?etc, etc'...

You go through different stages of sorrow, anger, resignation, fear and acceptance before reaching contentment, I believe. You are in the very early stages where you are allowed to mourn for the loss of your hopes and your marriage - not, as you realise, of the man himself...but of your dreams of the man he could have been.

It is ok to feel like this. From your OP I honestly can't see how life can be worse without him. A struggle financially - yes, possibly. But life is about more than that. Your relationship with your DD will grow stronger as you pull together and your confidence in yourself will rise. Keep reminding yourself that you feel low and lacking in confidence because you have become ground down over the years.

Can I also suggest that you empower yourself, if you have not done so already, and seek a solicitor's advice. Ex should not be manipulating you and moving the goalposts over money.

Good luck - and keep reminding yourself what a strong woman you are!

Mosschops30 Wed 08-May-13 22:21:46

Thanks again for another great post, what wise words smile
MN is amazing at times like this, I really needed to read that and you hit every nail on the head

I now have a solicitor and she is amazing smile

Mosschops30 Thu 09-May-13 06:14:04

I just woke up from a horrible dream where I was begging him to try again and he was so nasty and just saying things like 'you messed this up now you've got to live with it'

So another day of feeling like shit looms hmmhmmhmmhmm

Mosschops30 Thu 09-May-13 21:06:40

Hi is anyone out there tonight??

I spoke with him today, told him I still love him and miss us being a family. Told him its never too late to try.
Told him we will need counselling.

Don't know what I'm doing, thinking, feeling! Am up and down like a yo yo hmm

MrsMcEnroe Thu 09-May-13 22:38:30

Hi, I'm here, sorry I didn't get back sooner.

What did he say when you laid yourself bare like that?

Did you feel better afterwards, or worse?

From what you said, your marriage sounded pretty lonely and you are mourning what could/should have been, rather than what it actually was .... I think you need to re-read sowornout's post again and again, it is brilliant.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but you are doing the right thing in separating. You are worth far, far more than being stuck in an empty marriage - and empty marriages are not the norm, I promise you. What a foul thing for him to say to you.

Please don't go back to him because you're afraid of being on your own (which I understand) - stay strong, you can do this. You can build a new life for yourself in which you have fulfilment, not emptiness. It will take a while, but you can do it on your terms. x

Mosschops30 Thu 09-May-13 23:00:14

I actually quite enjoy living on my own smile I am happier, better with the dcs and much less stressed because I'm not waiting for him to do stuff.

I don't whether I just miss that family unit?
I think it's made me realise what's important and it's just little things with the dcs that I now enjoy, but I'm sad he's not sharing that.
To be honest when we were together he would often want a day to himself on the weekend to surf or take pictures.

And a lot of our friends have similar marriages of no sex, woman does everything, etc hmm

Mosschops30 Thu 09-May-13 23:00:52

And thanks for replying. All this stuff in my head needs to go somewhere

MrsMcEnroe Thu 09-May-13 23:34:22

I think quite a few of my friends have similar-sounding marriages too, to be honest - but the fact that they are so numerous doesn't make it right ...

You're doing really well!

lisaro Fri 10-May-13 01:09:43

You're grieving for the life you thought you'd have, and now won't. My marriage break up was comoletely my decision, it was actually shit by the end, and I hated him, but I had similar feelings to yours. As you find your feet it'll get better, I promise.

Mosschops30 Fri 10-May-13 18:14:03

'Lisaro' how did u cope?? All these feelings are so confusing

I'm still not sure it's the right decision

lisaro Fri 10-May-13 18:19:58

Hmmm, I guess I just remembered the bad stuff and kept busy. It did resurface very occasionally, but I remembered what a knob the ex had become, and deep down I knew I'd done the right thing. Sorry I havent any proper advice, but I hope it helps to hear what you're going through is normal and will stop eventually.

deleted203 Fri 10-May-13 18:43:23

I think you cope by, as lisaro said, remembering the bad stuff. Every time I got misty eyed when I saw a happy family/couple and wished it was us I sternly told myself, 'Yep - and if Ex was here he would be making snide remarks/grunting/ignoring me/criticising something, etc'.

I wasn't missing him I kept reminding myself. I was missing what I'd wanted my marriage to be. But it wasn't, because he didn't want the same things. It helped that he had never done much with myself/DCs at weekends. So when I would say, 'Shall we take them to the Indoor Play Area?' on a Saturday, Ex would scowl and say, 'I don't want to. It's fucking boring'. And I would think, 'Well life isn't just about doing only what you 'want' to. There are things I would probably rather do. But the children enjoy it and I want them to have fun'. So I would take them on my own - and he would sit at home happily playing on his X Box. (Sad wanker!)

I spent so much of my life doing things alone with the DCs that I felt like a single mum anyway.

I absolutely get where you are coming from when you say you told him it wasn't too late - you could get counselling, etc. When my Ex left, telling me he wanted a divorce, I felt a mixture of complete relief and complete failure. Marriage had been shit for a long time and I had done everything I possibly could to try and make it work. He had done nothing - he just wanted out, I think. I felt guilty that my children would be from a 'broken home'. I felt a complete failure that I was obviously so impossible to live with that he wasn't prepared to do so, even for the children's sake. I felt a huge sense of relief that he'd actually done it - because I'd wanted to end the marriage for about 3 years and not been able to raise the courage to do so. I felt that 'I'd made my bed and had to lie on it' and that because I had children I didn't have the right to say, 'Actually - I want more from my life than to be treated like shit by someone who does nothing but criticise me'.

I filed for divorce as he'd demanded. But even whilst it was going through I spoke to him on at least 2 occasions to say, 'Are you absolutely certain this is what you want? I have never wanted this - I would rather we could mend our marriage than end it. Please remember that you are the one who will end up losing out on living with your children - and it will also cost you a considerable amount financially in the settlement.' I knew I did not want him back - but still felt so guilty because of the kids that I would have been prepared to martyr myself for their sake. Thankfully, he was absolutely adamant he wanted a divorce.

I coped by focusing on good things, too. DCs were all under 6 - and I could pick them up from school in the summer, take them to the paddling pool/beach and eat ice cream. I could sit there, watching them having a great time and think, 'Fuck it - we'll have fish and chips on the seafront for our tea - and we'll wander home when we feel like it! There is no bad tempered arsehole coming home and wanting his tea on the table and moaning if we are not in. We can do as we like'. It was fantastic.

Mosschops30 Fri 10-May-13 22:00:21

sowornout thanks for your post, so much of which rings true.

We would only ever do stuff Dh wanted to do on weekends, or he would be off doing some hobby or other (which he now says he only had hobbies because I never paid him any attention hmm

Tomorrow I have been invited by some school mum friends to take all our dcs to a huge indoor play, which I would never do if Dh was still here.
Little things like that are great.
But yes I do feel a twinge when I see happy families and wish it was us, and yes sometimes we were, but a lot of the time we weren't

MavisGrind Fri 10-May-13 22:12:54

As sowornout so wisely says, it's not about the man it's about the marriage that never was that you're missing. If you're of a mind to get married, you're probably not planning to throw that aside without very good reason.

Nobody wants to choose the life of single parenthood, it's hard enough (although there are so many upsides too!) The fact that this hard decision has been made means that it's more than likely the right decision.

I'm a few years down the line of singledom and we have such a good life! I sometimes see the typical family unit out and about and feel a bit sad that my dcs don't have that but I have managed to maintain a good relationship with my X which helps.

It's early days Mosschops30 - be kind to yourself.

deleted203 Fri 10-May-13 23:07:55

Mosschops have you looked on 'Relationships' thread? Have a read of 'Anyone ever been left by ExH and realised he did them a favour'?

(Or something like that). It's a long, long thread - but really worth reading, IMO. All sorts of horrendous/funny stories where people are sharing WHY they are better off without the Ex. Might be worth checking out to strengthen your belief that you will cope fine without him?

All these posters are admitting they are doing ok on their own - and you will do too!

Holliewantstobehot Sun 12-May-13 09:50:24

Mosschops - just stick with it and it will get better - I am nearly three years on and thank my lucky stars I am no longer with my ex. Things started to fall apart after we had our kids and I discovered that his friends and hobbies would always come first. I spent a whole summer holiday taking the kids to the beach on my own while he refused to do anything with us as one mate or another needed him.
I worked evenings part time and it wasn't unusual for him to dash out the door at 5pm yelling he would be back at 5.50 for me to leave for work. I would return from work at midnight to find the washing up and tidying waiting for me.
I also started to suffer from anxiety as he constantly criticised my driving, any mistakes I made no matter how small. Looking back I had no support at all.
In the end I told him I wanted out but he persuaded me to stay and I did, then two years later he left me. It hasn't all been easy and I really struggled for the first year emotionally, in part because my mum had died not long before and I was grieving for her too. I felt so relieved he had gone but so guilty for my kids.
Since we have split he has continued to try and have control over my life, trying to tell me what job to do, who I should be friends with, how I should spend my money and even how I should clean my house. Every time he makes a snidey remark I just think thank god I'm out of that!
I am still single and am happy. Sure life as a single parent can be stressful, but it is less stressful than being in a bad marriage.

Mosschops30 Sun 12-May-13 10:52:08

hollie it's good to hear that you were in a similar relationship.
A lot of posters on relationships have been either victims of physical abuse, or affairs, or addiction problems. Because I didn't have any of that I feel a bit of a fraud!
I just broke my marriage up because I wasn't happy!!

He does similar things like making remarks about spending money, or even my mother spending money. He's also asked that if I get a lot of money from tax credits can he reduce his maintenance grin

overtheraenbow Sun 12-May-13 15:46:02

Been lurking a few days going YYY !! All so true .
I'm 6 months down the line and just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I too was virtually a single parent and last summer when stbxh went off for 9 weeks holiday work trip was effectively a SP decided I'd had enough and returned to the uk.When abroad he met someone else and they are now living together here .
Point is I only now see that I am so much better off without his miserable negative face around . He too never wanted to go anywhere ( no money no time don't like it etc) now the kids and I go and have fun and laugh and though you will miss the idea of the family you wanted the reality is it never existed. Last week took kids to the seaside aNd my DS said that was the best day of my life ExH hated places like that as they were beneath him so we never went.
It is just time OP there's no quick fix( if there was I'd make a fortune and would have used it myself) be kind to yourself and like other posters say remember the crap you had to put up with.

overtheraenbow Sun 12-May-13 15:46:47

Oh and yes sti trying to control the divorce too!!

Holliewantstobehot Sun 12-May-13 17:29:23

You are so right - there is alot of pressure to stay together like you are selfish not being happy when you are not in an abusive situation etc; but looking back I was right not to be happy. Sometimes all the little things add up to make it all a big thing and that is just as valid a reason to say enough is enough.

I think sometimes a little distance from it helps to put it all in perspective. When I had my eldest we lived in a flat 200 miles away from family. I didn't know any other mothers and was used to working full time so although I loved being at home with my son it was a bit lonely. Ex would come home from work, eat and then head up to the top flat and spend the evening with his friend. Every night. Should have known then!

He is always asking what I spend my maintenance on, seems to think I should spend it solely on clothes and outings for the kids, like food and petrol and electric are free!

Just go with your heart, if you are happy then your kids will be happy. Perhaps one day I will have a good relationship and can set a good example to my kids. Would I want my dd to be a doormat like I was? Definitely not.

Spo Tue 28-May-13 07:18:45

I don't know if anyone is still here, but how did you cope/feel when your ex met someone else and started doing all the family days out etc that they refused to do with you? I am four years down the line and still struggling as he has just started this up again with second relationship since he left. First relationship ended with one year old same as when he left me. Nowwants to drag both children out with new woman and her child! Only sees them a couple of hours a week at most otherwise. It feels so wrong but am I just being jealous as so lonely. ..

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