Hi, I guess i'm looking for some words to give me strength going forwards. My husband moved out just over 5 months ago. I asked him to leave. We were together 12 years, married 9. We have two girls: 19 (previous relationship) and 5. On turning 40 last year, i realised i had spent a good part of the last decade crying due to a pretty poor relationship. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, invaded my privacy and that of my eldest daughter (hacking facebook/phone messages etc), controlling, unable to control outbursts and name calling in front of girls, selfish, resentful and in some ways very very lazy indeed. Over years, I tried so hard to make him realise what he was doing to me and girls, but he NEVER ever took any responsibility and blamed me and my eldest daughter for all of our problems. Of course, I dont claim to be perfect, as i realise it takes two to make a marraige work, but i don't think i have any major character flaws, just a bit stubborn sometimes and grumpy a couple of days a month. It took me a long while to become strong enough to ask him to go especially because i hated tearing our family apart. I am a Christian and my marriage was something i took very seriously. Additionally, my problems were a huge secret. And to the outside world, he was the ideal husband, father, friend etc. He was a master of control and disguise. I was so confused i actually believed i caused the problems. But eventually, i realised the impact the relationship was having on our youngest as well as being a threat to my own mental health and with the support of a Womens Aid counsellor, I took action.
On his departure in November, largely it was a huge relief. I was upset and sad, but on the most part, i could breathe again and over the past few months have become more like myself again - happy. I can support myself and the girls on my salary and have a solid career. I have worked hard to be amicable for the girls' sake. I still to this day wear my rings, as although i never saw a way we could get back together, i was just slowly coming to terms with the dissolution of my marraige and giving it the respect i felt it deserved. He has coped marvellously throughout, almost thriving. /i guess he was as unhappy as me.
The difficulty for me came around 1 month ago. He told me he had a girlfriend and had been with her for two months - meaning we were apart only 3 months and he moved on. Ouch - that really hurts! He admits he met her 2 years ago at a school re-union. He promises nothing went on until after we separated. However, he has told me a batch of lies in the last couple of months, so i'm doubtful of any thing he says now. I'm rather ashamed to say it hurt and still does dreadfully. I know how bad my married life had become, so why am i hurting and grieving for this loss. He was certainly no great catch in reality. He made me miserable. I certainly never felt loved, or if i did, it was for fleeting moments. Certainly more downs than ups. So why this sense of loss. Why do i feel so cheated? Why am i so angry at him? I certainly feel like the 12 years together have just been made so insignificant when he moved on so quickly. But perhaps part of me harboured some small hope he would finally take responsisbility for all he has done and offer to fix himself in order to give our marraige a chance.
My youngest still cries for him to be back at home and that is heart wrenching. My eldest (whom he told about his girlfriend despite me asking him to keep it private) has told me "what do i expect becuase i asked him to leave". That is especially tough to hear as so much of what i did was to protect her from him and what he was doing to her. I dont want him back. I just want to stop feeling angry, hold my head up, find some self esteem and do the best i can to offer my girls and myself happiness and stability. He wants to be best friends right now and cannot understand why his actions in taking a girlfriend so soon, would hurt me. He just keeps asking me why i'm so distant and blaming me.
Many apologies for the length of this post. any advice or inspiration would be greatly appreciated so i can see some light at the end of my tunnel. Thanks.
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Divorce/separation
5 months Separated and Feeling A Bit Lost
5 replies
PenelopePitstop72 · 15/04/2013 23:25
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