I am moving out 'with' kids, how does it look to them.?

(69 Posts)
jenny99 Sat 23-Mar-13 06:55:06

After nearly 20 yrs of marriage I would like to separate. My husband is refusing to move out saying that he is happy here and legal advice tells him don't move out. I am a sahm (for the last 15 yrs).

Last night I said we have 3 options
He moves out and rents during 6 month trial separation (without kids but somewhere with plenty of space for them to stay etc)

I move out and rent (6 months again) with the kids.

We sell the house and buy 2 properties and go straight to divorce.

We 'decided' on 2nd option because he said he is happy in the house and refuses to move out and it is less irreversible than the third option should we change our minds.

But overnight I am thinking.....it will look to the kids like I am taking them away from their home and their daddy for a smaller home with probably very small garden (big football players!)...they will end up resenting me for it.

I think going straight to divorce seems to be the only option although seems crazy?!

What is anybody else's experience of this sort of thing please?

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 07:17:57

How old are your children?

nkf Sat 23-Mar-13 07:27:15

I'd keep the kids in their own place until they move to their next more permanent home.

Is go for c, even if you did reunite in the future, you could always remarry. Wouldn't have to have a do, just pop down the reg offfice.

But sounds like its def over, esp with his selfish attitude, he should wantthe kids to feel settled as possible.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 07:51:34

It depends on so many different circumstances though, why you are leaving, the age of your children and how you intend to support them, what are their schooling needs...
Could you move out and leave them with him?

wannaBe Sat 23-Mar-13 08:05:55

depends on your access arrangements IMO. I've recently moved out with ds to a smaller house, with smaller garden, but we are parenting 50/50 so ds still has his garden at daddy's house where he can pretty much come and go as he pleases. Me and h basically explained it to him in so much as that he wasn't moving out, but that he was moving some of his things to my house and would now have two houses not just one.

Why are you separating? You shouldn't be thinking head straight for divorce purely because it means it'll mean selling the house and getting two houses, if you want a divorce get divorced. if you're not sure then have a trial separation and see how things work out.

jenny99 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:06:09

Ty for reading and taking the time to reply.

I have been unhappy for 2 years.

He doesn't want to split.

I want to be happy. I'm not even content right now. I want more for myself We only have one life etc. I just don't feel any emotional connection with him and don't find him attractive anymore. Feel like he is a friend not a lover etc. harsh I know but perhaps sadly we have just changed. I was 24 when we married.

Kids are 12 and 14.

If I move to a smaller place to rent with them it will paint the picture that mummy is unhappy so takes them away and moves house.
School etc wouldn't be affected. My husband earns a good salary and would be able to support us all financially.

I don't feel that I should move out and leave them with him. I am a sahm and he is out the house at work from 6.30am - 8.30pm. Surely it makes sense the kids stay with me. When we discussed 'custody' arrangements last night the solution we came up with is me having them 8 days in 14 and him 6. He was happy with that.

Just so confused. Yes it is me instigating it but how do we put it to the children? I don't want to be feeling he has me over a barrel and this will make me out to be the 'bad parent' that they are stuck with sad

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 08:11:02

I'd leave the children where they are and get an au pair/home help to support.
I've got a couple of friends whose wives died and that was their solution.
The ages they are, the children need to be able to make an active choice about what happens to them and where they will live.

jenny99 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:11:03

I feel a trial separation would be preferable but because he won't compromise on anything and will only accept the idea of me moving out makes me feel that we are heading for divorce. He keeps telling me he is desperate for us to work but he doesn't seem to want to compromise?

I like that idea of explaining it is just having some stuff in each home. Thank you for explaining that to me.

I am also upset because I was sort of starting to set up a business at home have recently trained in reflexology and he is pushing for me to do it. In our current house we have a room I can use and do use for it. If I rent a smaller temporary thing it won't have space probably. sad

I want to fast forward past this messy bit!

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 08:12:26

Is divorce your only solution? Your children are old enough for you to be able to develop interests and hobbies apart from them, or you could look for a job.

jenny99 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:13:18

I am terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your friends wives sad

But if my husband gets an au pair/ home help how does that make sense for me to be sat in a rental property whilst someone else is being paid to look after my children. I am not dead yet...0

jenny99 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:14:16

I would like to develop the reflexology into a full time thing. Obviously it could easily fit in around holidays etc especially if I am doing it from home.

Pendipidy Sat 23-Mar-13 08:15:19

Don't really on the fact that he Will support you. He should move out as the children should have stability, not him.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 08:15:49

Many LLs won't let you run a business out of their rental either.
You sound bored and unfulfilled, perhaps you could look at making changes in your own life without necessarily moving out, look at being independent from your OH without removing the children.
What have you done for yourself in the 15 years of being a SAHP?

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 08:18:25

I'm just looking forward a couple of years when you could have two resentful and angry teenagers who feel that your unhappiness and dissatisfaction with the choices you made have impacted on them in a way that they didn't like or choose.
Do you want that?
Given a free choice, what would your children want, other than no change at all?

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 08:19:36

It makes sense because they don't get to have their lives thrown up into the air.
You can go off and find yourself, and they get stability.

jenny99 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:21:43

Interesting thank you about LL and running businesses. My first step I guess would be to start treating friends and then grow from there so probably wouldn't be a full on business.

I am not bored. I have loved being at home with them. My husband is a very high earner which has afforded us a lovely lifestyle and I value that. However I want to do more for myself now that both boys are at secondary school. Up till now I have had minimal help in the home and spend most of my time running them to and from school, Dealing with PTA issues and other such things, cooking, exercising, and recently studying.

When you suggest be independent without moving out do you mean try again with OH or just live under the same roof?

dingit Sat 23-Mar-13 08:21:52

You have dc and a marriage the same ages as mine ( I am a sahm too). Your post makes me feel really sad for you. Without stating the bleeding obvious, have you tried counselling? It's just you said you might change your mind. My DH works long hours too, and the day seems very tedious sometimes. Could you do something to make you happy outside the home, that might rekindle your feelings for you DH. Also spend some quality time together. It's heartbreaking for all to let go a 20 yr marriage. I really hope you can salvage it . Good luck x

jenny99 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:24:00

If I go off to 'find myself' surely that is no stability for them? Plus I think I am found.

Yes ISWYM about rolling forward 2 yrs.

My OH and I have discussed and agreed that the younger one would def want to be with me and the older one would be torn. Dad is fun, goes to football etc. Mum nags to wash hair and do homework etc. he wouldn't know what to do. But we both agree we want to try and present a united front.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 08:24:46

I mean become a person whose place in life is not solely defined by your role as mother, homemaker and wife.
Until you are happy with yourself, there's little point in trying again with your OH IMO.
Personally, I'd stay put and work on me, or move out and leave the children where they are and work on me.

jenny99 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:26:20

We've been having counselling individually and together for over a year.

I feel very sad about it. But the thought of being with him for the rest of my life is not something that makes me smile to myself. It feels like a deadweight. I want to be happy and enjoy every precious day and I don't meant that to sound like I have rose tinted glasses but I feel we don't have any connection at all between us anymore. We are on such different wavelengths sad

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 08:31:11

It happens, I'm looking at 29 years of marriage this year, and we have two adult children.
I still think that you need to rediscover your own individuality. OH and I do things together as a couple, as a family, but we also have independent lives and hobbies that we do without each other. Our two children are very different, so sometimes two of us go off on an adventure that the other two wouldn't enjoy.
I think you are in a fortunate position of having several choices available.

jenny99 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:35:23

Thank you.

Congratulations on such a long marriage smile

Part of the problem is that due to his long working hours I have become totally independent of him and actually have a better time without him than with him! I do a lot without him with various groups of friends and I think that is part of what led to us growing apart.

I asked him for counselling 2.5 yrs ago and he refused for 8 months. During that time a lot changed for me and now it is a bit like he came too late to the party...

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 23-Mar-13 08:39:17

Do you need to physically leave the home to feel free?
Are you looking for another partner?
It's a huge step to take, but only you can know if it's the best solution.
I can understand why your OH doesn't want to leave his home, have you looked at the possible finances to see exactly what you'd be entitled to if you divorced and he decided to give you the minimum required in law?

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue Sat 23-Mar-13 08:46:21

I think if you are the one that wants to break up the family then you have to be prepared to take a bit of back lash from the DCs.

If it was your DH who wanted out of the marriage this whole thread would be full of 'his choice, he'll have to put up with smaller garden for the DCs'.

On the positive side your boys are old enough to understand, and I do think if you are unhappy and you feel strong enough then you should look to change yourlife in this way.

Good luck.

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