Wife wants to separate. I'm distraught.

(4 Posts)
whatashambles Tue 19-Mar-13 13:05:40

Hi, a Dad here. Signed up as I'm just looking for a bit of support really, and I think I need an outlet for my emotions.

A few days ago my wife told me she wanted to split up. She said she didn't think we'd been happy for a while. We have a DD, she is 2, we say we'll try for as close to 50/50 as possible. I kind of saw what she was saying at first, but I'm not sure it had really hit me at that point, but I gave her the impression the split was amicable.

Since the day after that I've just felt awful. It hit me. As soon as I started packing my case (I'm at my parents at the mo). There's just too much horrible stuff going through my head at the moment and I'm genuinely struggling to cope. We've been together 3 years, married since sept. I just have this sickening feeling that she never loved me/wanted to marry me in the first place. We did bicker, but no more than everybody else. We did have some issues - I was quite immature at the start of the relationship. I shared a kiss with an ex a few weeks after me and my wife had first got together, which was stupid. That was probably the biggest issue. But that was 3 years ago, I thought we'd moved on, and I am genuinely a different person to what I was then. Nothing has happened since.

But it has all seemed so easy for her, that hurts. She had been planning it for a while which also hurts, rather than just talking to me straight up. And I just feel there are those issues that we've never dealt with, and I want to go to counselling together just to get it out there.

And I don't believe her when she says we don't make each other happy - we're two of the most compatable people you could meet. We always have been, and I'm worried that maybe I haven't appreciated that until it's too late, but as sad as this sounds, I would do anythng just for a glimmer of hope that we could get work things out. She hasn't replied to the texts I've sent her overnight telling her my feelings. At first I thought I was just upset at the prospect of not seeing DD as often, and although that is part of it, definately a lot off how I feel at the moment is down to missing my wife, and guilt even - what have I been doing to make her unhappy which I wish i could change?

I don't know what to do really. Just any support and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

(Sorry this isn't very coherent or short, I'm just feeling a bit despondent atm)

colditz Tue 19-Mar-13 13:06:41

Breaking up hurts x

WallyBantersJunkBox Wed 27-Mar-13 11:41:26

i think you are better off posting in the relationships thread for personal support. This thread is more related to the procedure of separation and divorce.

I hope you manage to find some help and answers.

AuntieStella Wed 27-Mar-13 11:49:05

I grew that you might want to get this moved to the Relationships forum.

The thing that leapt out to me from your post is how there is a major communication problem between the two of you.

You might be happy, but she wasn't and repeatedly tried to tell to that. Instead of examining why she felt like that and working out what changes in the marriage were necessary so both partners felt happy, you decided to brush off her concerns. If someone feels their needs are unmet in a marriage and that they are barely listened to, let alone considered; it's not surprising there comes a time when the unhappy party believes the situation intractable and calls a halt.

Is there hope? Possibly, but you have a lot of ground to make up. You need to start by really listening, and realising her feelings are as valid as yours. She is unlikely to believe you will change (she's been trying for some time, and you've put her feelings below yours); you have to show her that you have.

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