I don't know where to begin. I have been married to my wife for 2 years. We have been friends and dated on and off for 15 years before we became a serious couple 3 years ago. But 2 months ago we separated. My wife has had a very tough upbringing, her dad was very abusive physically and mentally to her, her brothers and sisters and her mum their whole lives. He had a long term affair which was only discovered 14 months ago. My wife's mum kicked him out and so did the other woman. In the end he took his own life.
My wife, understandably, had a very hard time dealing with everything that happened. Over the next 12 months her anger began to grow and grow. I tried to help her, I suggested counselling, I said I would go with her, I said I would do anything she wanted me to do to help and support her, but she did not want to anything. So I didn't pressure her I just gave her time. But then her anger started to be directed at me, she would lose her temper at the smallest thing. If she lost a book mark or a pen she would explode and tell me I was a bad husband, that I was a d**k, and I obviously didn't love her. Then she would find item, say she was sorry and that she knew I had nothing to do with the lost item but when she feels bad she needs the person around her to feel just as bad. I understood that she was hurting with everything that she had been through she needed to release the pressure building up inside her so I did nothing.
Incidents like this began to happen more and more then after 6 months her anger became physical. I wanted to watch a TV show she did not and she got angry and slapped me across the face. There were another two physical incidences over the following 5 months and her anger became out of control. I felt like I had no choice but to leave. Moving out was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I felt like I let her down. She was emotionally in a bad place and I had tried to help as much as I could but I never knew what mood she would be in when I got home every day. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was in such a depressed place couldn't handle the pressure any more. So I left.
Its been 2 months since I left and I've missed her so much. We've met up a few times and talked on the phone over that time. Two weeks ago she said she is moving into a new place and wanted to sell her wedding dress. I broke down I didn't want us to end I just wanted my happy wife back. I know it was me that left and I have no right to be upset when she wants to sell what belongs to her. I still love her more than anything else in the world.
I told her how I felt and she said she will not sell her dress. I told her I still love her and I want us to work. She suggested we start dating and start our relationship from scratch and see where it goes.
The problem I now have is her family and friends hate me because I left. My family are angry with her for the way she has treated me, but they don't know what it was like for her, they've heard how hard her life was because of what her dad did to her but they don't truly understand what it was like for her. I know there is no excuse for hitting someone but I forgive her and just want her to be happy again, like the old her when we started our relationship 3 years ago weather we are together or not everything she has been through she deserves happiness. I hope that happiness can be with us together.
I don't know what to do. I want my wife back but now everything feels like a mess. I don't want to go back to that dark and anger filled place we were in. I love her. What do I do?
In the beginning there was only the 2 of you in this marriage. As soon as you left the family home you wanted to be justified for doing so and you decided to involve the family and friends for support. Now, you have more than 2 people in this marriage giving all their opinions and not wanting to hear your options such as couples counselling and then anger management therapy or even change of residence or going on a long vacation away. As only you know how much she has suffered but instead of understanding that and seeing her through for help you decided to wash your dirty laundry with your family and friends. Now, even when you two want this to work you will have "the lot" telling you otherwise. How selfish is she and what an imbecile you are to give her a second chance.
I wished for one moment any man going to divorce his life partner would think it through or discuss it with any counsellors in private just to get a perspective and see if you really want to be away from the "woman" that shared every inch of her with you! You may have the answer. Is it too late to save, i don't know............
Wished my husband would say the same to me ( I don't know what to do. I want my wife back but now everything feels like a mess. I don't want to go back to that dark and anger filled place we were in. I love her. What do I do?)
She is abusive and violent towarads you.....if this was the other way around, no way would anyone on here tell you to stay or to try to get back together - the advice would be run for the hills and don;t look back.
However, in many ways it is quite honourable that you want to make it work and you can see the reasons she has become like this. However, HAS SHE? Is she prepared to be honest with herself and seek help because she wants to (not because you tell her she should)? It sounds like she has a whole liftetime of unresolved issues and i think it will take more than a couple of months to resolve. Only she can work through her issues and i think she needs to do that before you consider going back (even if she lets you or wants you). I would suggest that she does this and you can support from the outside as a friend and see how things go with no pressure.
I dont see the point in dating/being in a relationship with her if she cannot accept she has issues and seeks to resolve them otherwise you will very soon end up back to square one.
You may have to accept that the wife you had is not the woman she is or will ever be
DV is still DV - it is not less serious simply when the woman is the perpetrator.